Exploitation Films -- Hard to Find

READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXPLOITATION BLOG MORPHS INTO "THE NATIONAL SPATULA"

2009-03-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

THIS MESSAGE IS OF VITAL IMPORTANCE TO VIEWERS OF THIS SITE!

MARCH 23, 2009

Lang Jeffries Jr., CEO of vast entertainment empire Langfilms, announced today that news updates from this day forward would be posted in the sensational Internet newspaper:

THE NATIONAL SPATULA

The National Spatula, called "the hottest online newspaper on the Internet" by Langfilms Reviews was launched as a "no-expense spared" effort by the vast Langfilms empire. CEO Lang Jeffries Jr. told reporters that millions had been spent for the deployment. In a statement made only hours ago, Jeffries told the media:

"What the hell are you waiting for? SET YOUR BOOK MARKS TO THE NATIONAL SPATULA! NOW!

Obscure College Makes NCAA Playoffs

2009-03-19T06:05:00.001-07:00

After ninety-three years of obscurity, proud alumni of little known Play-In-Winner College are thrilled that their basketball team is bringing much-needed exposure to the school. The Fightin’ Obscurians won the Hilltop Basketball League championship last Sunday, beating the Dick York School of Optometry 36 to 18, in a game fans called “a bit more exciting than breakfast”.

Last year, Play-In-Winner College raised almost enough cash to buy matching uniforms, but the players, most of whom hale from college home town Oatmeal, Nebraska, decided to blow the funds on an Air Supply concert in Omaha. 5’ 10” center Marvin Mooch called the show the most important event of his life, but that was before the championship. “I wasn’t sure anything could beat hearing ‘Lost in Love’ in concert. But this is way better!” said Mooch.

Play-In-Winner College has been hampered by its remoteness until the recent NCAA berth. Dean Robert Bradenton stated that applications to the school have increased “to over 19”.
Although few people have heard of Play-In-Winner College, the school has produced many famous alumni, including George Lindsay (Goober from ‘The Andy Griffith Show’), noted blogger and Langfilms CEO Lang Jeffries Jr., and Carl Wentslap who owns a used car dealership in Florida.

Although most experts predict that the Fightin’ Obscurians will be out of the game before tip-off, the player’s excitement can’t be contained. “I’m wearing a diaper, just in case,” admits point guard Milton Shenk.

Help the Homeless Help Themselves: Maximize Your Begging Revenue

2009-03-18T05:34:00.000-07:00

In his new book, “The Prosperous Panhandler”, author Johnny “Hobo” Harris guarantees a 20 to 30% increase in begging revenue just by employing a few simple techniques. A professional bum for over twenty years, Harris offers straightforward advice on how to maximize panhandling profits. “I average over three dollars and five cigarettes more per day than the average tramp,” boasts Harris. Below is a short summary of his system.
Fake Blindness: Using his “Slumdog” technique, the average derelict can squint his way to extra cash. “A sightless beggar usually makes twice the income,” advises Harris. “But keep an eye out for other tramps – they’ll steal you blind.”
Drool: A constantly flowing river of saliva maximizes “pathetic potential” and will keep business brisk. Too dry? You can purchase (at a discount) Harris’s “Drool Tool” to keep the juices flowing.
Signage: “The message needs to be short and to the point,” says Harris. “'Help Homeless, God Bless' works well.” But don’t forget, misspell as many words as possible. “You don’t want your customers thinking you’re educated.”
Street Corner Selection: “Location, location, location!” says Harris. Picking the right street corner is critical. And forget the urine puddle -- your customers can’t see it driving by at 30 mph. “Make it easy for them to toss things at you. Wave a bucket if you have access to one,” Harris states. “But make sure you haven’t sh*t in it recently.”

Heaven Insurance Now Available

2009-03-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

Think you've screwed your chance to get to Heaven? Think again, says agent Bill Hawthorne of Old Mutual Insurance Company. "Our policy guarantees your admittance to the the Garden of Eden, no questions asked," claims Bill.

Old Mutual has worked out a deal through the Vatican that ensures your passageway through the pearly gates regardless of the number or gravity of your transgressions. Of course, those at greater risk -- murderers, rapists, and other felons-- will pay significantly higher premiums.

A typical family of four will pay roughly $360 a month. "It seemed a bit high, initially. But when you think you've secured a final resting place in the hereafter with the Lord Almighty, it's really quite a bargain," says new customer Dawn Harris.

The monthly premium covers sins like basic lying and tax cheating. An additional $10 monthly rider will take care of shoplifting, extra-marital affairs, and insurance fraud (unless perpetrated against Old Mutual, which ensures full policy eradication along with a one way ticket to Hell).

"Of course, if Armageddon should happen over the next year or two, we're screwed," said Mrs. Harris. "But I think it's worth taking that chance."

Man Claims His Ponzi Scheme Will Really Work

2009-02-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

Despite recent bad press regarding phony hedge funds and fake real estate scams, Mike Churnley says his Islands Investment Fund is the "real ponzi scheme deal."

"Ponzi schemes have been under attack lately because of negative news articles about Bernie Madoff and other crooks," state Churnley. "But my ponzi scheme is purely above board and openly illegal."

Churnley based his operation loosely on the Amway business model, where people can make more money by integrating friends and relatives into the scam than by selling real estate. "I've got over 300 people in the organization, each investing $5,000 to get in on the action, and I haven't sold a doghouse!" Churnley encourages his "associates" to recruit new investors -- each new investor results in a $500 commission for the associate. The rest of the dough is rolled up to Churnley. "I've made a ton of easy money, and you can too!" he brags.

"This is real gravy compared to the sh*tty old fashioned way of making money -- by working for it," Churnley chuckles. "Just keep your g*ddam traps shut before somebody rats on us!"

Sales Hit by Errant Pie

2009-02-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

It was no laughing matter when ailing comedian Soupy Sales was recently hit in the face by a pie. The custard cream special was thrust into the air when a waitress tripped on a rug at Del’s Restaurant in Tampa. The pie landed square on Soupy’s kisser, clogging his nostrils, and sending the octogenarian into a seizure. Nearby patrons laughed heartily at the antics, oblivious to his struggle for life. Paramedics arrived shortly on the scene and found Sales in near comatose state. They rushed Soupy into critical at the hospital where he remained on life support for two days.

Close relatives who were asked whether to continue mechanical support of the comedian’s life were spared a decision when Soupy began breathing on his own late last week. “Please don’t tell Uncle Soupy I said it was OK to pull the plug,” said fifty-four year-old nephew Warren Hines.

Republican Stimulus Package Will Save $900 billion

2009-02-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

A counter stimulus package proposed by House republicans would result in a savings of $900 Billion dollars, according to sources. The package -- called "G*ddam it, get out there and Spend" -- features a half dozen public service announcements that will be run during prime time television. The spots will un-subtly suggest that consumers "get off their *ss and buy something!"

Representative Marv Wankler (R-Tennessee) pointed out that the current Obama plan requires further government spending at a time when budget woes are already threatening the viability of the U.S. Economy. "We give people a thousand bucks and we think they'll go and spend it. These days, people are more likely to tuck it into their mattress until things get rosy. So what's the point?"

The public service spots cost less than a million to make and the message is loud and clear. "Spend some loot or I'll come and eat your children!" threatens one of the ads. Focus group studies have shown that people are more willing to open up their pocket books when their lives are threatened.

Wankler says House republicans will present the plan early at the next session. "When someone threatens to blow your face off with a double-barrel shotgun, that's stimulus!" says Wankler.

Kiddie Kasino WIll Augment Greektown Revenues

2009-02-03T18:03:00.000-08:00

Teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, the executive team at Greektown Casino has come up with a guaranteed moneymaker to bring in much needed revenue. Beginning this weekend, Greektown will open its "Kiddie Kasino," a 4,000 square foot facility that will cater to the elementary school crowd. The kids pile into the car with their parents and their allowance and drive downtown to the action. While Mom and Dad are gambling their mortgage away at the Hold 'em table, sis and little brother will be dumping their coin in the Fisher Price one-armed bandits designed especially for them. While gambling, the tots can sip free kool-aid and munch on cookies while watching SpongeBob on a 72" Plasma HDTV screen. Even the little ones are welcome, with a special "craps" table to help with toilet training.

Although the idea has come under some criticism, the Casino is quick to point out the math advantage these kiddie kardsharps gain. According to Pit Manager Bill Yardley, most of these high-chair high rollers can count to 21 before they reach kindergarten.

On opening weekend, Greektown will be passing out free bumper stickers that say, "I've been a good kid this week, so HIT ME!"

Nazi Clowns Forced Kids to Laugh

2009-01-31T10:26:00.001-08:00

As the notorious legacy of the Nazi party continues to unfold, new evidence has been uncovered that exposes yet another atrocity -- the ruthless treatment of children at the hands of Nazi clowns.

In a new book published posthumously by a former Nazi clown, Henrik VonGaber recounts a chilling tale of humor forced upon the innocent. VonGaber was part of Hitler's Schitzengiggles Korps, or SGK, an elite team of circus clowns assembled for the purpose of providing levity in a wartime environment. "Our goal was to lift the spirits of families and children throughout Germany. When they weren't entertained, we went into action," confesses VonGaber.

According to the author, the SKG would march into town, usually univited, and begin attacking hassidic citizens with a live-action "Punch and Jüden" show. One of their specialties was to have twenty seven clowns file out of a Panzer tank. If the reaction wasn't uproarious laughter, the tank would fire live rounds into the audience. "The camera was on," said VonGaber. "We could not afford to be unfunny."

NASCAR Shocker: "In 2009, we race clockwise"

2009-01-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to give the stock car racing circuit a much-needed boost, NASCAR officials stated yesterday that beginning in 2009, the cars will run in a clockwise direction.

Starting with the Budweiser Shoot-out in early February, the cars will begin crossing the finish line from right to left, as opposed to left to right. With the move, NASCAR CEO Brian France stated that, "We will be moving in a bold new direction. Clockwise." France pointed out that the unusual wear on tires would now be evened out, saving racing teams millions in rubber every year.

The move has stunned racing purists who view the change as a stunt. "Jeesus Kee-rist!" hollered fan Lee Harvey Kershaw. "My neck ain't used to moving in that deerection!" The school janitor recently installed a 42-inch plasma HDTV in his double-wide but is now considering returning it. "Or mebbe I just installs it upside down."

Man Wonders: Should I Race Home Like A Madman, or Just Sh*t Myself Now?

2009-01-27T18:08:00.001-08:00

Fred Cameron is usually more decisive, but last night's attack of slider-inspired diarrhea pushed him to the brink: Should I risk a ticket by flying through traffic like some NASCAR speed freak, or should I just let loose in my pants?

"I should know better," Cameron admitted later. "I always do this to myself. Most of the time the urge to purge happens at home, but this time I didn't play it safe."

The decision? Let's put it this way: he crapped in his Corolla.

Balloon Animal Zoo Closes

2009-01-23T14:05:00.001-08:00

Owners of the Decatur Balloon Animal Zoo posted a "closed" sign on their front door last Thursday. CEO Fred Kinglsey said that the concept never quite caught on, as the projected target of 50,000 annual zoo-goers fell short by 49,989. Kingsley recalls the short history of the project: "My wife and I were in Vegas, watching this magician create these balloon animals: giraffes and such. And he says, 'I bet you never seen animals like this in a zoo!'. Well, my wife thought that that would be a cute idea, to have a balloon animal zoo. So I just decided, what the heck, let's go for it!"

Kingsley, a school janitor for thirty-five years, dumped his life savings into the project. He leased a 2000 square foot store front, built custom-made cages and paid a professional $500 to blow up his first set of zoo animals -- almost two hundred of them. "But after a few weeks," Kinglsey laments ,"the damn things started to wilt. We had to create a new set of animals every month." After eight months of dismal attendance, the Kingsleys couldn't afford the magician anymore, so they left the animals in their limp state. By the end of the year, they just looked like empty balloons with a few knots in them. "What the hell," says Kingsley. "Nobody came anyways."

Ukrainian Homosexuals Chafe at the idea of a Petroleum Shortage

2009-01-20T17:56:00.001-08:00

KIEV, UKRAINE -- It was a mass hissy-fit in Kiev's Pink Square this morning, after Moscow announced that oil shipments to Eastern Europe will not resume for several weeks yet. Even though the embargo is impacting hundreds of thousands who depend on heating oil, and millions who can't get access to gasoline for their cars, Baltic boy-toys are now complaining that the lack of petroleum jelly has impacted their love lives as well. Limp-wristed rooskies pranced around Pink Square -- many in high-heels -- to create an awareness that the lack of petroleum jelly is leaving hundreds "bone dry".

Spokesperson Ivan Tukissue who represents the light-in-the-loafer contingent called "Soviet Union", sums it up: "We have trouble because Medved thinks he is big oil cowboy. He knows you can't launch Russian missile in desert." The problem is so severe that Ukrainian dairy farms are working three shifts to produce enough butter to accommodate the shortage.

Graffiti Spelling Improves

2009-01-15T08:32:00.000-08:00

In December, Johns Hopkins University completed a comprehensive four year study that demonstrates that toilet stall graffiti writers (aka “those who write on sh*t-house walls”) are improving their spelling skills.

As part of his doctoral thesis, Associate Professor James Bernard has been tracking graffiti on walls in fourteen different restrooms in the Baltimore area. His hypothesis -- that stall squatters are improving their English skills -- seems to be proving correct. Prior studies have blamed poor spelling on complications caused by the simultaneous action of writing and performing a bowel movement, an action known in the academic world as “sh*t ‘n scribe”. But Bernard postulates that, “as part of the gradual rise in high school graduation rates, we expect better graffiti spelling, and we are seeing it in action in the real world.”

Bernard cites the following two examples of past common misspellings that are now being written correctly (bold type shows the words that are now being spelled correctly):
“Here I sit, broken hearted…”
“Words on Epileptic’s Medical Alert Tag: I’m not Break-dancing now.”

Bernard also noted that “the standard four-letter words have been spelled correctly from the beginning. But in the last two years, we have noted improvements when these words are accompanied with donkey or doughnut, particularly in reference to ex-girlfriends, bosses, and “Roger”.

Ray Dennis Steckler is Dead

2009-01-10T14:45:00.001-08:00

Ray Dennis Steckler passed away on Wednesday, January 7th in his sleep. He was 70 years old.

Coincidentally, I was recently gifted on Christmas Eve with an autographed copy of "One More Time", Ray's follow-up to "Incredibly Strange Creatures..." (three cheers to Tea Lady a Boo Boo!)

On the back of the DVD case, he had asked that I send him an email with a review of the "2 pix" (also included was Reading Pennsylvania). I was tempted, but felt a little guilty, nagged by my "high-brow" attitude toward his work. I was impressed, however, by the note, and will treasure it always. I haven't viewed the DVD's yet -- he had actually autographed those as well.

To ensure I was getting the latest news on RDS, I had created a Google alert with "Ray Dennis Steckler" as the search criteria. Believe it or not, I set it up on Monday. I about soiled my diaper when I read the search results this morning. Stunned.

This blog didn't review his oeuvre favorably, but after taking in a few hours worth of Steckler interviews, I can say with honesty that Ray took his career and his films seriously, and seemed to be pretty good guy.

Cash, we are expecting footage of your final trip soon, with Saint Peter wearing a bedsheet from Wal Mart, being chased through the Pearly Gates by Torgo. Although your budgets you small, you were anything but an "amatuer" (spelling taken from end sequence of a The Lemon Grove Kids short).

2008 CAHTF Year In Review

2009-01-01T17:13:00.000-08:00

Everyone else seems to be doing it, might as well throw my two cents in.

2008 Headlines:

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick gets jail time for perjury. Even though he’s out of office, Ben n’ Jerry names an ice cream flavor after him: Great Big A**hole.

Automobile companies ask for bail-out, but get two-hour Air Supply concert instead.

Economy goes down the sh*thole after Bernanke says he “forgot to carry the one.”

John McCain and Sarah Palin not only lose the election, but are also kicked off “Dancing with the Stars”.

Man can recite plots of 96% of Seinfeld re-runs.

Russians invade Georgia, then leave after big keg party.

People Who Did Not Die in 2008

Nancy Reagan: The ripest of the grim reaper’s crop, Nancy managed to hang on for another year after being mistaken for a medical school cadaver.

Carole Burnett: Burnett’s 2008 plastic surgery makes her look like Wayne Newton.

Dustin Diamond: TV’s “Screech” made some desperate attempts to get back in the limelight. Despite being given sage advice to commit suicide, Diamond made a porn movie instead.

Carol Channing: When will we say, “Goodbye, Dolly?”

Keith Richards: This Rolling Stone seems to be gathering moss, black mold, and other forms of bacteria. Fortunately, the high level of formaldehyde in his bloodstream keeps him from bursting into spontaneous rigor mortis.

Israeli Commander Claims: "I Was Just Getting My Ball"

2008-12-29T12:02:00.000-08:00

Israeli raids that have left hundreds dead in the Gaza Strip seem to have stemmed from a small misunderstanding. Israeli Colonel Yahim Broda explained to the press this morning that the incessant tank shelling and torpedo attacks were ordered simply to get his ball back.

"I threw my ball over the fence," explained Broda. "I'm just trying to get it back."

Palestian Hammas leader Yemas Chadury called the action "a little overzealous". "If he had called," Chadury stated, "we would have just kicked it back."

"Too late now, I guess," sighed Colonel Broda.

What’s a seven-letter word that means ‘Big Jerk’? It starts with ‘A’ and ends with ‘h-o-l-e’?

2008-12-23T06:05:00.001-08:00

My wife is filling out a crossword puzzle and just asked for my help. “What’s a seven-letter word that means ‘Big Jerk’? It starts with ‘A’ and ends with ‘h-o-l-e’”, she said. She said if anyone knows, I should know. Well, I don’t know, so I’m asking for help.

Last week she asked for a four-letter word that means ‘complete raving dipsh*t’. It starts with a ‘G’ and ends in ‘a-r-y’. The only word I could think of was Gary, which is my name. But I couldn’t think of any other words. Maybe someone could help me with that one as well.

Existence of Regis Philbin Casts Intelligent Design Theory in Doubt

2008-12-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

Hundreds of religious leaders from around the globe are converging in Geneva this week to address recent attacks on the Intelligent Design (ID) theory, fueled by new evidence of the existence of Regis Philbin. The jolting discovery could jeopardize the popular ID movement. The ID theory has gained momentum in recent years as the counter-argument to the generally accepted Theory of Evolution. Religious leaders supporting Intelligent Design claim that the creation and order of all things could not have happened by accident; some “intelligent” or “divine” being had purposefully designed the universe and its inhabitants.

But in a recent Scientific American article, Dr. Ronald Derek of Johns Hopkins University debunks the theory by proving the existence of talk show host Philbin. “The religious community cannot deny the existence of Regis Philbin.”

Reverend D. Thomas Fitzgerald, considered an expert in ID theory, agreed that the Philbin argument was difficult to resolve. “It certainly shoots down the whole ‘intelligent’ part of the theory,” admitted Fitzgerald. “We’ll need to come up with a new line of bullsh*t.”

But not all religious leaders are giving up so easily. Monsignor Edward Cotton of St. James Parish in Joplin, Missouri claims that the Philbin discovery actually invalidates the Theory of Evolution. “Archeologists are obsessed about finding the famous missing link; the cornerstone of the Theory of Evolution. Well, gentlemen, here he is, and it’s 2008. Explain that,” counters Monsignor Cotton.

My Rotten Boss Gives Me Too Much Work and Keeps Me from Blogging

2008-12-18T09:42:00.001-08:00

My boss Stan sure has his nerve. Right when I’m hitting my stride, providing my loyal and intelligent readers with the most up-to-date, hard-hitting news reporting on the web, Stan starts dumping the work on my plate. Do this, do that. What the hell, Stan – am I your g*ddam slave? Stan has loaded so much work on my shoulders that I feel like Dominic the Christmas donkey. I’m so piled up, that my two hour lunch is down to a mere ninety minutes -- I practically have to gulp the third martini down. If I choke on an olive, Stan, it’s your fault! And if that’s not bad enough, the jerk has left me no time for blogging.

Apparently he has no desire to improve the general literacy of the nation. If Stan ruled the world, he would keep us all in darkness. The dumbbell thinks it’s more important for me to inventory the tool crib for nth time versus saving soldiers by forwarding critical chain-emails to seven of my friends. His priorities are all screwed up.

Well now I’m fighting back. This morning I hid in the john (stall 3) for over two hours. Sure my buns were aching, but it’s worth it because I’m teaching Stan a lesson. I didn’t see him this morning anyways; the taskmaster is probably in slave training school.

So Stan, if you’re out there listening, take this blog entry and shove it!

I guess I told him.

PLINKO Saves Auto Industry

2008-12-11T13:42:00.000-08:00

Like a cliche in a courtroom drama, Victor Payton, Director of Purchasing at the Chevrolet division of General Motors, burst into the congressional chamber waving a folder in his upraised fist. "F*ck the loan," shouted Payton, "we just integrated Plinko into our supply chain!" Most of the observers stood and cheered, a few looked stunned, and one guy sh*t his pants. For years, the domestic automakers have been searching for the silver bullet that would make them competitive with foreign companies who don't have to deal with health care, unions, safety and environmental regulations, and protective trade laws. Although exact details are sketchy, most analysts feel that having Plinko integrated into the business model will make the domestics competitive once again. Plinko was first introduced on the Price is Right TV game show and has since gained wordlwide fame. Congressional leaders were invited to "try their luck" (although no cars were awarded during the program). First, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) dropped the plinko puck and scored 250. Then Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), a staunch opponent to the bailout package, was given a plinko puck and scored 1000. "This is great! I stand corrected -- I didn't realize how big an *sshole I was." McConnell wrote a check to GM on the spot for a whopping $15 billion dollars. "Who's next?" asked the smiling senator, checkbook in hand.

Fantastic Voyage Crew Stuck in Man’s Anus

2008-11-29T10:22:00.001-08:00

The National Inner Human Space Agency (NIHSA) reported today that the crew of Fantastic Voyage spaceship Uranus XIII was lodged precariously in a patient’s anus. Rescue teams have been miniaturized and are currently sailing to the scene. The emergency teams have less than 24 hours to save the crew before the marooned spaceship grows to normal size, potentially enlarging the patient’s anus to a size “not yet seen in any federal prison,” according to Dr. Lionel Bentley, head of the mission.

The problem started when the crew had to be diverted from the normal location of disembarkation -- the tear duct -- because of the patient’s sinus condition. When Dr. Bentley notified Uranus XIII Captain Frank Wilson that the spaceship would have to disembark through the intestines, rectum and anus, the captain replied, “Are you shittin’ me?”

Dr. Bentley said, “Yes.”

The identity of the patient – rumored to be a famous celebrity -- is concealed from the public as required by federal HIPAA laws regarding patient privacy, although a slip-up by Dr. Bentley provided a clue to the patient’s identity. After reporting the case, the doctor reported that the spaceship, now currently the size of a pickle, should be causing the patient some discomfort. Dr, Bentley then stated that, “Mr. Aiken actually seems to be enjoying it.”

Captain Wilson reported that he didn’t think the crew of the spaceship were the first to visit the area. “Apparently, there have been people here before. From my guess, many people.”

Link's Early Retirement Over

2008-11-28T16:33:00.000-08:00

Not only is the depressed economy impacting business and consumer spending, now the branches of the U.S. Military and the CIA are seeing their budgets slashed in response to dramatic reductions in defense spending. The cuts have gone so deep that virtually all CIA ground operations have been terminated, including operations in political hotbeds all over the Mideast. Over the past two months, the number of agents deployed in Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan has shrunk from over three hundred to less than twenty, leaving only the minimal number of agents required to enforce treaties.

To stay in the spy game, the CIA has been forced to be creative in recruiting top talent. Last week, the CIA coerced former star agent Lancelot Link back into service. The sixty-three year old chimp, already setting world records for longevity, agreed to patrol unstable Afghanistan and assist where he can.

“I owe a lot to this country,” Lance appeared to say, although his lips were obviously being manipulated by a banana being held out of camera range. As a bonus, the CIA gets a two-for-one deal, as long time helpmate Mata Hairy was thrown in with the deal.

“Hey, Lance! These overzealous Muslim extremists are crazier than a barrel full of monkeys!” chuckled Mata.

Although the CIA could not state exactly how the pair of primates would be dispatched, rumors in Washington have the two involved in the extermination of Bin Laden. Since 9/11, the elusive Al Qaeda leader has avoided justice by hiding out in several of the thousands of caves that lie in the rocky hills of western Afghanistan. The area is ideal for monkey infiltration, although one famous ape casualty has already been reported. Clyde – of “Every Which Way But Loose” fame -- bought the farm when the “gun” pointing at him was a loaded 45 magnum pistol, and not some hillbilly’s index finger.

It's Official: Mustard Bottle Funnier Than Dick Van Dyke

2008-11-21T12:42:00.000-08:00

After an intensive three-month study, scientists at the University of Maryland concluded that an empty mustard bottle was marginally funnier than Dick Van Dyke. Researchers at the university confirmed that the mustard bottle performed slightly better than the Fitzwilly star in five out of the seven comprehensive tests. Of the two remaining tests, one was a tie, and the other– who could act more like a funny drunk – went to Van Dyke.

Dr. Richard Lesnar who led the study said that Van Dyke’s role as “Bert” in Mary Poppins caused irreparable damage. “Van Dyke’s affected cockney accent sent an embarrassing shiver down our collective spines. At that point, it was all mustard bottle.”

Guttenberg Hasn’t Left ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Set Yet.

2008-11-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

“It’s OK,” Steve “the Goot” Guttenberg told the “Dancing with the Stars” audience after getting the hook in October 2007. “I’ve made so many good friends, I really hate to leave.”

And he wasn’t kidding. The Goot has been sleeping in vacated dressing rooms and munching on rehearsal buffets at ABC studios for the last fourteen months. Last Friday the producers took action and called in security guards to physically remove him from the premises.

Guttenberg, who starred in such pictures as Police Academy, Police Academy 2, Police Academy 3, and Police Academy 4 was elated to be asked on the show in 2007. However, by the fourth week, he was voted off.

Prior to receiving an invitation to compete on the show, the Goot was fighting a year-long battle with depression, realizing that neither Single Santa Meets Mrs. Claus (2004) or Meet the Santas (2005) -- he played the role of “Nick” in both films – would have the holiday impact of “The Grinch” or “A Christmas Carol”. So after joining “Dancing”, the Goot immersed himself into learning the Tango and Paso Doblé moves that could launch a potential second career in the world of dance. Unfortunately, an abject lack of talent led to an early exit on the program.

However, the Goot expressed no sorrow in losing; in fact, his demeanor remained so rosy that the judges apologized for their negative, but fully justified, criticism.

“E’s a great bloke!” said Len Goodman, one of the judges. “Bit of a shame ‘e couldn’t cut the bangers and mash, eh Guvner?”

But the Goot is not washed up, like everybody thinks. He has come to terms with his Santa trauma, and has even volunteered to star as Nick again, if anyone wants to make another Christmas special.

No replies as yet.

Rob Gulley's "The Cemetery Precincts" Debuts in Royal Oak

2008-11-08T17:40:00.001-08:00

SHOCKING!

FRIGHTENING!

BONE-CHILLING!

Yes, these are words used to describe former Match Game 74 "celebrity" Marcia Wallace.

However, if you've got the nerve for something ALMOST as horrific, I urge you to double park your hearse in front of the Main Theater in Royal Oak this Tuesday (11/11) to witness the ZOMBIE show, sponsored by the Mitten Movie project. This post-Halloween collection of over 13 local shockshorts is guaranteed to soil your diaper!

Rob Gulley, who directed arguably the best episode of the local cult sci-fi hit "InZero" teams up with Michael Einheiser to bring you the first politico / zombie horror picture ever made: The Cemetery Precincts. Find out what happens when a couple of political dirty-tricksters try to exploit the real "silent majority" for their nefarious deeds.

For further info on this fright night, click here:
http://www.absolutemichigan.com/dig/michigan/spotlight-the-mitten-movie-project-presents-zombie-night-a-night-of-independent-zombie-films/

LangFilms is currently working with the Gulley / Einheiser team to bring the Gene Rayburn Branch Chipper story to the scream screen (see below). So keep this BLOGSPOT BOOKMARKED!

LangFilms Publishes New Bush Autobiography

2008-11-07T14:34:00.001-08:00

NOVEMBER 2008 -- The multimedia conglomerate LangFilms will publish President George W. Bush's autobiography entitled "Things Like God and Such of Which I am Thankful For".

According to sources near Bush, the President was envious of the books President-elect Obama had authored, and decided he could whip one up just as good, if not better. "Mine will have much bigger letters for easier reading," boasted Bush.

The twenty-nine page work recounts Bush's childhood, his college days, his three days in the Air Force National Guard, his family life, and his utterly failed presidency.

You may not know that Bush, a deeply religious man, wrote several personal prayers, many of which are sprinkled throughout the book. Here is a sample:

"Every night I pray to you, hoping that you hear me, too. If you're not too busy and have some time, howzabout a miracle, that would be fine."

Bush hopes that nuggets like these inspire people to greater things. In fact, Bush is donating all proceeds from the book to the U. S. Treasury. At $10 a pop, he expects to sell over 70 billion, which would get us out of our current financial crisis.

On his website, the President hints that these books would make great Xmas stocking stuffers. Most agree that this book should be stuffed.

Weekend At Rayburn's

2008-11-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

Lang Jeffries Jr., noted scenarist and CEO of entertainment empire LangFilms announced today that he has completed his latest script entitled “Lemon Grove Kids Screw Around With a Branch Chipping Machine”. The short will begin production late November.

In this hilarious installment, Gene Rayburn plays Bernie McGuffin, a local candy shop owner who dies of a heart attack in his store. The twist here is that Rayburn is really dead (1999). The kids drag the Match Game corpse all around Los Angeles and place him in all sorts of crazy, outrageous situations (restaurant, hardware store, etc.). Gene accidentally ends up being shredded to pieces in a branch chipping machine when the boys forget to remove him from the front lawn.

It’s a laff riot from start to finish! Ray Dennis Steckler has been signed to star as “Old Gopher”. A special song called “Pieces of Gene” has been written especially for this Oscar-worthy picture.

Gene Facts:
Name Change: Gene Rayburn’s real name is Eugene Rubessa; his father was an immigrant from Croatia

Paging Gene! Gene was one of the first NBC TV Studio pages (as was Dave Garroway!)

Pre-Rock Era: Gene was the original announcer on the Tonight Show (with Steve Allen)

Got a light? The first version of Match Game debuted in 1962 and ran until 1969

De Plane, De Boat! Gene starred in one episode of Fantasy Island and three episodes of The Love Boat.

Let’s Get Hitched: Gene was married for 56 years. His wife died in 1992

Kids Prefer Santa over Jesus Ten to One

2008-11-01T14:35:00.000-07:00

Parents, keep those receipts! You may be surprised about what the kids want in their Christmas socks this year.

As the 2009 Holiday season approaches, retailers need to know whether they should stock more religious products or toys. June Fredley, Senior Vice President of Purchasing at Target stores states, "With the belt-tightening going on, we don't have the luxury of being wrong this year."

A recent Harris poll shows that kids prefer Santa to Jesus by a stunning 10 to one margin. Most kids aged five to twelve aren't even sure who Jesus is; 23% per cent of the respondents thought Jesus Christ was cable TV's Dog Whisperer.

In practical terms, the research means retailers will replace their shelves of crucifixes and bibles with video games and Spongebob Squarepants merchandise. "It's a shame, really," said Kmart Toy Department Manager Sid Beltman. "We thought the manger scenes were going to sell like hotcakes this year."

Experts explain that the recent trend from religious products to secular goods is due to several factors:

Religious shows on TV have been replaced with secular programs like CSI, America's Next Top Model, and Deal or No Deal

Parents prefer go to shopping malls instead of church during the holiday season

Scientific evidence shows that Christmas should take place in May instead of late December

"I think when a kid prefers a Bratz doll to a ceramic statue of the Virgin Mary, we have to ask ourselves if the spirit of Christmas has taken the wrong direction," lamented Father John Renzi of Saint James Church in Pittsburgh.

"Deal or No Deal" Banker Implicated in Market Collapse

2008-10-28T16:01:00.001-07:00

He lurks on the second floor of an NBC sound stage. No one has seen him; no one knows his name. He communicates only by telephone. A shadowy stranger whose secret identity is maintained by those who profit from his activity.

But now the House subcommittee on Financial oversight would like to have a few words with the mystery financier. Allegations have placed the man known only as "the Banker", co-star of the hit TV game show "Deal or No Deal", at the heart of the financial mess that has caused the stock market to drop to levels not seen since the depression.

A letter sent from Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) to House Finance Committee Chairman Henry Waxman (D-District of Columbia), urged that the probe should focus on the banker's irresponsible spending. According to the letter, NBC claims that the Banker has given away over $20 million dollars to perfect strangers -- without checking collateral. When this website asked NBC how much of the $20 million they expect to get back, the spokesman, plainly embarrassed, said "Nothing. Not a dime."

Experts blame the market collapse on three critical factors:

Large financial companies holding a significant amount of securities backed by sub-prime mortgages
Lack of administrative oversight over both the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae agencies
The urge to hang with Howie Mandel

Treasury Secretary Pauslon has taken steps to ensure that the billions earmarked for the bail-out don't wind up on the show. "We don't want to put taxpayer's money in some poor shlep's case," stated Paulson.

2008-10-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

In Memoriam:

Dolemite star Rudy Ray Moore received the Lord’s final kung-fu chop and passed away from complications due to diabetes on October 19. He was 81 years old.

Although already a star on the adult comedy LP circuit, Rudy struck black gold with his 1975 epic “Dolemite”, a film based on a character he created in his comedy routine.

The title character Dolemite, is a pimp, released from prison to help clean-up his crime-ridden neighborhood. Dolemite wants to pick up where he left off, but gangsta Willie Green, played by director D’urville Martin, is muscling in on his territory. The struggle becomes an ordeal, as corrupt white cops try to frame him back into the pen.

In the middle of the film, Moore performs one of his old comedy bits called “Shine and the Titanic”. This is classic Moore: almost unintelligible and wholly unfunny in a jaw-dropping way.

Based on the success of the Dolemite, Moore completed several other pictures in the 70’s including “Disco Godfather”, and “Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil’s Son-in-law”. All of Moore’s films feature cheap production, monumentally bad acting (particularly Moore’s), dialog sprinkled heavily with four-letter words, and kung-fu.

Prior to movie stardom, Moore made his mark with the adult comedy LP, wih such classics as: “This Ain’t No White Christmas”, and “Sweet Peter Jeeter”. Noted rappers such as Snoop Dogg and Big Daddy Kane cite Moore as the inspiration for their careers.

Memories of Rudy Ray Moore:
Lang Jr.:
“Dolemite played a prominent role during one of our golf trips, as the charming chant “G*ddam Willie Green!” could be heard over four fairways away. He will be missed!”

Glenn E. recollects:
“…if I hear anyone criticizing Rudy's acting, that motherf***** will receive a karate blow right between the crotch of their leisure suit.”

Jim Z. notes:
“[Moore] was an historic figure in our lives…”

Please use this blog to post any additional personal memories of this unheralded legend.

Elvis: What Happened?

2008-10-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

I just finished this tell-all book based on stories from three of Elvis’s personal friends and bodyguards, Red West, his brother Sonny West, and Dave Hebler. This insider’s view of the very eccentric Elvis is fascinating. (The photo shows Red West watching while Elvis signs an autograph).

In the book, we learn:
· After his stint in the Army, Elvis got hooked on uppers. Later in the sixties, he started taking downers to get to sleep. At the time he died, he was a veritable mixing bowl of prescription drugs.
· Once, when he was high, Elvis ordered a “hit” on Mike Stone, the man Priscilla Presley left Elvis for.
· Elvis often went on car buying sprees giving new Cadillacs away to total strangers.
· Elvis was a certifiable gun nut.

Red West wrote several songs for Elvis. Who can forget:
· That’s Someone You Never Forget
· You’ll Be Gone
· Seeing is Believing
And these seasonal favorites:
· Holly Leaves and Christmas Trees
· If Every Day Was Like Christmas
You can listen to samples of both songs at:
http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Peace/dp/B00138F2V0/ref=pd_sim_dmt_dmusic_1

You can get the full Red West songwriting story from:
http://www.elvis.com.au/presley/red_west_writing_for_the_king.shtml

Believe it or not, this book is difficult to obtain -- it was released about week before the King passed away! If you want to read it, please let me know!

Surprisingly, Red (still with us!) wrote no songs for the Turkish Wizard of Oz. But if you want to see how awful that film is, I recommend you follow this link. The Wizard’s lair is not to be believed!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7a5DCuxJP4

ALVIN SUES THIS BLOGSITE!

2008-10-22T13:25:00.001-07:00

On October 20, Alvin Seville filed a libel suit against this blog site http://crummyandhardtofind.blogspot.com . Seville, former lead singer of the group “Alvin and the Chipmunks” is seeking damages of $300,000, claiming the website has been publishing false statements that have impacted his solo nightclub act. Alvin also accuses site owner Lang Jeffries Jr. of ruining his dry cleaning business. According to Jeffries, the site does not carry adequate blogging insurance

Word on the street is that Langfilms, the motion picture distribution company owned by Lang Jeffries Jr., refused to buy Alvin’s self-serving autobiographical screen treatment titled “Alvin:That’s the Way it is”. Per the screen play, Alvin himself had masterminded the trio’s success but was eventually “pushed out” by bad decisions made by others, including gay brother Simon.

However, Alvin’s former bodyguard Red “Nutty” East confirms the statements made in Lang’s blog with his own recent tell-all book, “Alvin: What Happened”. Nutty paints a picture of a spoiled superstar who had the spotlight way too early in life. As the trio’s popularity waned in the mid-seventies, Alvin went deep into booze and drugs, and was ultimately arrested for beating his wife while intoxicated. Nutty also claims to possess videos of Alvin hibernating with married Chippettes. The book further accuses Seville of digging up other rodent’s nuts.

Singing Chipmunk Dead at 58

2008-10-10T17:54:00.001-07:00

After a five-year battle with AIDS, Simon Seville passed away on October 9th. He was fifty-eight (in human years).

Seville was one third of the famous "Alvin and the Chipmunks" singing trio, the most widely known cartoon act in the entertainment business. In Spring 1958, the group scored a major hit with "The Witch Doctor", followed by "The Chipmunk Song (or "Christmas Don't Be Late") that fall.

Alvin and the Chipmunks became megastars with their own hit TV show in 1961. Their success was compounded with several follow-up TV series, recordings and personal appearances. Licensing deals, negotiated by their human father, netted the group millions of dollars in the early sixties. It seemed everything they touched turned to Chipmunk gold.

However, in the 1970's, their popularity began to sink, and things began to unravel. In 1972, Theodore was busted for smuggling dope from Mexico and served six months in federal prison. Alvin, unaccustomed to being out of the limelight, took to boozing heavily and in 1974, was arrested for DUI. A few months later, the former leader of the trio was charged with domestic abuse. Then in Fall 1976, the three chipmunks sued former manager and "Dad" David Seville for misuse of funds and embezzlement. The case was settled out of court, but Dad was out.

With this bedlam taking place, Simon, the "thoughtful" chipmunk, came out of the closet. He held a press conference in June 1977, informing his fans that he was gay.

Friends and family reacted to the news sympathetically with the exception of Alvin who accused Simon of being a "fruit" and a "nut gatherer". Friends close to Simon said he was hurt deeply by Alvin's cruelty. The brothers became estranged, with Theodore acting as the go-between on several occasions. They grudgingly reconciled to eke out a meager living on the nightclub circuit.

The trio that had once been coined the "Cartoon Kings of America", were now working lounges to make ends meet. Occasionally, they were booked as a novelty act in Vegas. Still, Alvin refused to sleep in the same room as Simon, complaining he could not sleep with his butt down all night, "for his protection".

Then in 2003, Simon was diagnosed with the HIV virus and began taking medication to stave off the inevitable. Alvin went on record to say that this was a sign from God punishing Simon for his deviate behavior. Without the support of his brother, insiders say Simon was giving up.

However in 2005, the Chipmunks were offered a movie deal. Alvin, now desperate for cash, jumped at the offer. But Simon, barely able to keep his head upright, refused to participate if Alvin was involved. Alvin quickly apologized to Simon for his former actions, claiming he was under the influence of alcohol when he made the remarks. Friends of Simon claim Alvin was acting insincerely and made the apology just to get the gig. But Simon forgave his brother wholeheartedly, and the movie, which grossed over eighty million dollars, nearly brought the trio back to their former status.

But it was too late for Simon to enjoy the resurgence. Friends say that the movie took a lot out of him, and he collapsed two months after the film was released. His closest pals, Snagglepuss and Leonardo (of "Clyde Crashcup" fame), were at his deathbed, and wept as their friend passed gently to the next world.

"He was one hell of a rodent," whimpered Snagglepuss. "He held on to the end. That Alvin business took a lot out of him and I think in the end, he just gave up. Exit, stage north!"

“Santa Lang” to the rescue: Early Xmas for Sudanese Orphans!

2008-10-01T08:36:00.001-07:00

Responding to a United Nations plea to support Sudanese orphans displaced by the country’s devastating civil war, Lang Jeffries Jr., chairman of the vast entertainment conglomerate Langfilms, is doing his part. “Never too busy to pitch in,” claims the modest multimedia mogul.

Exploiting his network of famous celebrities, Lang Jr, discovered that Bob Denver’s web site was running a surplus of “Skipper” Christmas Ornaments in its inventory. Round-the-clock negotiations were fruitful; Lang was able to obtain several million of the ornaments for pennies on the dollar. In early December, he will begin airlifting crates chock-full of these Xmas goodies into the country, distributing to any and all children who escape the potential crippling effects caused by the Xmas goody crate-dropping.

The Sudanese government, oblivious to this show of magnanimity, has requested much-needed food instead of xmas tree decorations. But leave it to Lang to defend his action. “How can you decorate your Tannenbaum with a few cups of dried rice?”

Lang, you've stumped us there!

Free Beer, Free Alcohol

2008-09-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

Lang Jr. Here -- I'm intrigued by the way Google AdSense scours my blog for keywords which in turn trigger related ads to appear on the blog. When I wrote about Tea Cozies, I got Tea ads, when I wrote about Jesus, I got religious ads. When I wrote about TCM, I got TCM ads.

So now I'm performing a little test to see if there are any ads for free beer or free alcohol. Free Beer. Free Booze. Free alcohol. I'm pasting it all over the site. Free Free Free. Booze Booze Booze. My graphic sez it all: Free Beer!

Advertise here! Free Beer. Free booze -- let's see what happens!

New Puzzle Sensation: Ed-Oku!

2008-09-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

A Puzzlement. When you run a vast entertainment conglomerate, you can’t waste precious time on newspaper puzzles that take hours to complete. Such was the issue faced by Lang Jeffries, Jr., Board Chairman of Langfilms, Inc. “I love Sudoku,” admitted Lang. “But I can’t waste hours solving puzzles when I have a vast entertainment conglomerate to run.” So Lang did what any board chairman of a vast entertainment conglomerate would do: he hired a mathematical and linguistic über-genius to create a brand new puzzle that would fit his busy lifestyle.

Enter Ed-oku. So the über-genius went to work. After thousands of hours of laborious research, mathematical and linguistic über-genius Ed Engman created a new spin on the Sudoku puzzle. By eliminating eight of the nine 9 X 9 cell squares, and then placing subtle hints in the remaining cells, a Sudoku puzzle that used to take an hour to complete now takes about ten minutes. Lang was so taken with the new puzzle, he christened it “Ed-oku” in honor of the inventor. “I’m flattered, said über-genius Engman.

Instructions: Like Sudoku, the object is to fill the empty cells with numbers, one through nine, and each number can only be used once. With subtle hints (usually three of four numbers, depending on the complexity of the puzzle), the user tries to determine how to fill in the other squares. According to Lang, “It only took minutes to learn”.

The Next Rubik’s Cube. Like its ancestor, Sudoku, Ed-oku is poised to be the next big thing. Puzzle experts say it has the potential of becoming the next Rubik’s cube. Regardless of the runaway success of the puzzle, inventor Engman remains modest. “I’m just like any other über-genius,” says Ed, modestly.

For Those Who Think Dumb

2008-09-16T17:56:00.001-07:00

I caught the last hour of the 1964 classic "For Those Who Think Young" tonight on TCM. Generously awarded one star, this teenage drive-in pic features fey fussbudget Paul Lynde, a young Ellen Burstyn (using the name Ellen McRae), the spectacularly unfunny Woody Woodbury ("It's Woody's Weedin' Time") and an unbilled combo whose 30 second number sets a record for forgetability. Not enough? How about a brunette Nancy Sinatra, a hot Tina Louise, and Bob Denver as "Kelp"?

And like seaweed, this film belongs at the bottom of the ocean floor. Highlight is Denver's face-painted "singing" chin filmed upside down (inspiration for Sir Ghastly's "The Blob"?). According to Denver, his head was wrapped in so many towels, he had trouble lip-syncing because he couldn't hear the music. What price Hollywood?

I urge you to get pencil and paper and record this important information: You can purchase a Christmas ornament with the Skipper's caricature on it from Bob's website (in the Gilligan's Gift Gallery, of course!)! Here's where to order:

http://www.bobdenver.com/Gilligan_s_Gift_Gallery/Gilligan_Goodies/castawaygilligan_goodies.html

POLISH ASTRONAUTS CAN'T FIND MOON

2008-09-14T17:36:00.001-07:00

HOUSTON (API) -- NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that Poland’s first lunar mission was terminated after the astronauts got lost on their way to the moon.

“When we left, it was crescent shaped,” said a bewildered Stosh Jaworski, captain of the wayward Polish Spaceship Jablonski III. The U.S. Air Force fished Jaworski and co-pilot Lech Wisznewski out of Lake Erie after the duo failed to navigate back to their home base in Warsaw. “We couldn't find dat, eeder,” said Wisznewski.

U.S. Air Force Captain A. Stephen McNeil tracked the entire mission from NASA Space Control in Houston. “First, they had to scrub the original launch last Monday because Kowalski forgot his helmet. Then on Tuesday there was a two-hour delay because they got stuck at seventeen during the countdown,” said McNeil. “It’s like watching 2001: A Space Odyssey. Not the space part, the part when the chimps see the big black door.”

Poland’s space program has had its fits and starts since 1972 when they first attempted the launch of a spy satellite. “They had invented a camera that could focus on the end of a pin from 100 miles into space,” claims McNeil. “They launched the satellite, and then realized they forgot to load film into the camera.”

Poland has planned a re-launch for next fall. “We got new maps,” said Dr. Josef Javorsky, Chief Rocket Scientist at Krakow University.

Turkish Wizard of Oz

2008-09-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

Gang: I came across this rare lobby card of "The Turkish WIzard of Oz".

Enjoy!

Exploitation Film Treasure Chest!

2008-09-07T06:50:00.001-07:00

Occasionally, I pop by one of my sponsors to check out the goods. Recently, I've been getting ads from "Lago Video Entertainment", so I thought I'd make a visit.

This online alternative vid store features about forty of the goofiest titles I've ever seen. I'm familiar with a few of them (for example, The Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfield), but most of them I'd never seen or heard of.

How about the Turkish Wizard of Oz, or The Green Slime? They specialize in hard to find, made-for-TV movies (maybe a non-home-recorded version of Condominium? Alas, no). But if you are trying to track down Killdozer, Manbeast or The Arousers (with Tab Hunter!), you've found your source!

At any rate, there are enough great obscure titles to satiate the taste of any jaundiced exploitation fan. Check them out at: http://www.lagovideodvd.com/

FIRST DOCUMENTARY RELEASE BY LANGFILMS!

2008-09-04T12:17:00.001-07:00

Langfilms, a division of the incredibly vast entertainment conglomerate owned and operated by Lang Jeffries, Jr., proudly announces their first foray into documentary filmmaking with the inaugural release, “Sam Sphincter: Man of Vision”.

The fantastic story follows the life of Samuel P. Sphincter, the famous prognosticator whose predictions came true with an incredible accuracy rate of 98%! This modern-day Nostradamus had a twist: he predicted things that would happen in the PAST.

The adventure begins after Sam was struck on the head with a rock – thrown by his mother. “I was aiming at his a*shole father,” claims Mom. After the accident, Sam began seeing visions (mainly from his television set). Shortly thereafter, he began astounding friends with his uncanny ability to predict past events with pinpoint precision. Among his many incredible visages:

· The United States will engage in a War Between the States which will end in 1865 with many lives lost.

· The Japanese will bomb Pearl Harbor in or around December, 1941.

· There will be a fast food restaurant called McDonalds. One day they will serve Chicken NcNuggets – all white meat.

Despite his unusual ability, he did mess up on a few facts. He stated that the huge ocean liner that would sink in 1912 would be called the “Atlantic” (actually, it was the “Titanic” -- it did however sink in the Atlantic Ocean!)

According to the film, which is currently being edited, Sphincter parlayed his prognostications into a successful career with the circus. His famous “Abe Lincoln will be assassinated” proclamation in 1965 stunned many, as it occurred exactly 100 years after the event took place!

‘It was a chilling moment,” recalled former ringmaster Johnny Tremayne.

Langfilms has already shot several hundred minutes of documentary footage, including interviews with close friends and associates. Per Lang, the documentary will shed new light on the mysterious career of this amazing oracle. Worldwide excitement is mounting, and producer Jeffries is being flooded daily with phone calls and emails regarding the film’s release.

“We’re trying hard to squeeze as much through this Sphincter thing that we can,” said the famous filmmaker.

NEW BIBLE BOOK TELLS ALL!

2008-08-31T09:40:00.001-07:00

It's no secret that the chroniclers of the New Testament -- Matthew, Mark, Luck, and John -- have focused on "the juicy parts" of the story of Jesus; there are places all over the bible where we witness their lack of interest in the more mundane aspects of Jesus's life. Take for example this excerpt from John 11:44-45:

"And Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, etc., etc."

As the world knows, there are entire years of his life that go undocumented in the good book, particularly that segment when he wanders into the desert.

But recently, rigorous research into these missing years have been unearthed in the Dead Sea Scrolls. And a new book documenting that research, "Forgotten Miracles of Jesus" gives us the whole story!

After his failed apprenticeship in carpentry (he constantly complained about removing slivers), Jesus went into the desert to refine his God-given talents. Not satisfied with bending spoons and guessing people's weight, Jesus worked diligently on perfecting increasingly more difficult miracles. Among those newly revealed miracles, we discover that Jesus:

Received a radio signal through a kid's tooth filling
Made a circus elephant take a bow
Created Tide with Super-stain Fighting Bleach Particles

Although not as complex as feeding 5,000 followers with a single fish and a loaf of bread, Christ's early works clearly indicate he was on the path to greater things.

The book contains over twenty-seven action packed miracles and features a "Christ Challenges" Sudoku puzzle. Makes a great stocking-stuffer!

CONTEST OVER: NO WINNER THIS TIME!

2008-08-28T09:33:00.000-07:00

Nobody guessed the correct answer to the Kissin’ Cousins Song Contest, so the $1,000 prize will be awarded at a contest some time in the future.

The correct answer was “Let’s Get Hitched”, which is an Elvis-movie like song penned by yours truly. All the other songs (including the awful ‘Pappy, Won’t You Please Come Home’) were featured in the movie.

Now, I’m no Red West, but I think this song is real ear-candy; it’s also generic enough to have been included (and immediately forgotten) in any Elvis film.

Lyrics from the song "Let's Get Hitched"

by Lang Jeffries, Jr.

You and me, we should get married
Better do it before we’re buried
Two lovebirds, that’s me and you
Let’s get hitched, it’s what lovebirds do
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched

You be the goat, I’ll be the goat herder-er
Don’t worry, babe, I’m no ax murderer
I did kill a guy once, his name was Fred Maxident
Let’s get hitched, cuz that was an accident
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched

Let’s get hitched, it’s really cool
Let’s get hitched, don’t be a fool
Let’s get hitched,
Does that look like blood in my stool?

Fred’s wife just called, I’m getting sued
So don’t give me any sh*t about not being in the mood,
Unless you’d like your head split with an ax,
Let’s get hitched, cuz I’m hearing voices now
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched
Baby, baby, let’s get hitched!

Copyright 2008 Jenius-at-work Music

Go West, young man! Red West, that is!

2008-08-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

If you've seen as many Elvis films as I have, certain patterns begin to expose themselves. One of these patterns is Elvis's pal and bodyguard, Red West.

Robert "Red" West appeared in sixteen of Elvis' 33 feature films, all in some minor role. In "Harum Scarum", Red played one of the assassins (he would eventually be karate-chopped into submission by the King). In "Tickle Me" he plays a jealous boyfriend who starts a bar fight. (Ambivalence about a "Deliverance" type of role must have kept him out of "Kissin' Cousins.") West also wrote songs for Elvis, Pat Boone, Ricky Nelson and Johnny Rivers! (credit to IMDB).

Red was unforgettable in Clambake. During the worst Elvis musical number ever recorded -- Confidence -- he played a Good Humor man who takes a rubber-tipped arrow in the forehead (maybe it was headed for Elvis). That's what I call a pal.

Pal or not, Elvis's dad eventually canned West and two of his bodyguard buddies as being a little too aggressive in beating Presley's crazed fans back. You can read about it in Red's book: "Elvis: What Happened" (seriously!). Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Elvis-What-Happened-Sonny-Hebler/dp/B000I17ZIQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219624457&sr=8-2

Red has an entry in Wikipedia, in which we learn he is also good friends with Robert Conrad. Quite a coincidence, as I've been told I look like William Conrad (with glasses).

Why You Gotta Love Sam Katzman!

2008-08-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

More to come on the Elvis / Sam Katzman collaborations, but here's a sample of producer Katzman's notorious frugality.

In "Kissin' Cousins" Elvis played Lieutenant Josh Morgan AND his country cousin Jody (in his fey Charles Nelson Reilly-inspired look from the film, below right).

In order to make the effect believable, doubles had to be used. But in the musical finale, they weren't trying very hard. Notice "Jody" in the red circle. Christ, they didn't even try to match hairstyles! (Click to enlarge photo).

Steckler SeQUAL

2008-08-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of recent posts; on vacation and whatnot. I'm also working on a dynamite piece featuring BOTH Elvis and Sam Katzman -- NOT TO BE MISSED!

Exciting news to report on, however! Even though no one entered the contest for the free T-shirt, Lang scored his own personal t-shirt ("The Master Would Not Be Pleased"), a birthday gift from the Tea Lady herself...therefore a plug is in order! Visit her at: http://barbsteashop.blogspot.com/

The T-shirt enhances my svelte figure, particularly the beer gut, which expands this website's URL (very handy!)

TCM note: Though TCM has dumped their usual Friday night goodies in August, they pick up again in September. Set the DVR for 2:00 a.m. on Friday September 5, and record the DOUBLE STECKLER BILL of Incredibly Strange Creatures, followed immediately by Rat Pfink a Boo Boo.

ALSO, the picture above is taken from Steckler's latest Opus, "One More Time", a non-sequal sequal [the Steckler spelling of "sequel"] to Incredibly Strange (that's Steckeler himself in the blue hoodie). The non-autographed version is $20.00 plus $3.00 shipping, while the autographed version is...oh, $20.00, plus $3.00 shipping. Go directly to http://www.raydennissteckler.com/ , if you dare!

Shocking NBC Study Exposed! The Truth Behind the Leno Departure!

2008-07-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

"A Slap in the face of every corpse in America!"

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Crummyandhardtofind has uncovered shocking evidence behind next summer’s sacking of Tonight Show host Jay Leno. According to a confidential study obtained by CAHTF, NBC is dumping the lantern-jawed host because demographics show his viewership is dying off at an alarming rate. The network predicts that by March 2009, only 1,840 Leno fans are expected to be alive, and by the July transition, only 57 senior stragglers will still be drawing breath.

Leno was Johnny Carson’s hand-picked successor for the popular Tonight Show when Carson retired in 1992. It was a controversial choice, as Carson bypassed the funnier, edgier Dave Letterman, who would have brought with him a younger demographic. According to the study, the few people who found Leno funny in 1992 were already in their seventies and most didn’t get Letterman’s jokes.

But NBC seems to be neglecting Leno’s potential larger audience – dead people. Former Love Boat star Bernie Kopell is the spokesman for Silent Majority, a Political Action Group based in Washington, D.C. which champions the rights of dead people. (Kopell was selected because of his death-like appearance).

“It’s all about the money,” stated Kopell. “The big networks are unashamedly pandering to living viewers in response to recent consumer studies that show that living viewers outspend their dead counterparts by a ratio of 100 to 0. If you ask me, this is a slap in the face to every corpse in America.”

NBC Vice-president of Programming Bill Fredly responded to the accusation. “Dead people still have The Price is Right and Jimmy Kimmel. As such, we don’t feel we need to compete for that market at this time.”

Silent Majority is considering litigation against NBC to test recent legislation that prohibits discrimination against the dead.

CAHTF will stay on top of this burning controversy and bring you the latest news at it happens.

Lang Accepts Honor

2008-07-24T19:28:00.001-07:00

HOLLYWOOD (AP) -- If you're driving through Tinseltown, looking for Hollywood and Vine, then reload your GPS -- you won't find it. To honor the world famous scenarist, the Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, has decreed that "henceforth from this day forward, we are changing Vine Street to Lang Jeffries Jr. Avenue."

According to Grant, the honor recognizes Lang's contribution to the motion picture industry. "His legacy, particularly the Lemon Grove Kids's scripts, will live on in perpetuity," said Grant at a press conference today.

After the announcement, several Japanese tourists took photos of the newly minted street sign. "Langee Junior big genius boss!" exclaimed one of the happy orientals.

After the parade, a humble Lang Jr. thanked the Mayor and the several thousand that came to cheer. "It's quite a thrill," stated Lang, who had earlier that month recommended that they change the city name from Jeffrieswood back to Hollywood.

Steak -- Rare!

2008-07-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

How many times has Ray Dennis Steckler lost a leading man? We learned in "Wild Guitar" that the actor signed to play tough guy "Steak" walked out at the last minute; Steckler had to step in. Now we find out in Steckler's 1969 abomination "Body Fever", that again his leading man walked off the set. Fortunately, Steckler was there again to save the day. Was it coincidence that the lead character, Private Eye Charlie Smith, made love to three separate women in the film (including wife Carolyn Brandt?)

"Body Fever" -- which for some reason is titled "Super Cool" in the film -- is, like the recent "No Country for Old Men", a story about a drug deal gone wrong. The lead baddie is named "Big Mack" (Steckler apparently was eating at McDonalds while writing the script). Like Coleman Francis's "Red Zone Cuba", the film is pretty much a mess, but about two thirds of the way through, Steckler voices over an explanation of what's been going on (Coleman, incidentally, plays "Coley", Smith's friend, who used to own a laundromat. The business is closed and the washers and dryers are gone, but Coley, nostalgic for clean underwear and the smell of bleach, can't seem to leave the place).

There's much to send an embarrassing chill down your spine. At one point, Steckler/Smith walks past a movie theater with pictures of Humphrey Bogart on display. Charlie Smith asks himself, "What would Bogie do?" Well, first, Bogie would file suit against Stecker for un-authorized use of his image.

I rented the film from Netflix because it contained the rare Steckler's short entitled "Goof on the Loose" (not to be confused with the Three Stooges's short "Goofs on the Loose"). This is an eight minute film made by Steckler in 1964, dedicated to the silent film comedians of yesteryear. The short starts out with "goof" (Bert Van Leu) looking over the fence of "Mrs. Bait's [sic] Home for the Fruity". It's supposed to be a take-off on "Psycho", but "Psycho" was funnier. The film then becomes an idiotic home-movie with all the Steckler Lemon Grove regulars making an appearance, including Carolyn Brandt. (Based on Stecker's commentary, the "Cee Bee" in her Cee Bee Beaumont character stands for Brandt's initials).

In other news, the seventy year-old Steckler has completed an "extension" to his 1964 Classic "Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living". According to his website, Stecker "has made this movie for his fans, friends and family. Steckler never wanted to make a sequal [sic] to "Incredibly Strange Creatures"...would Orsen [sic] Wells [sic] want to make a sequal [sic] to "Citizen Kane"?”Of course not!!! Originals should be left alone. This movie is just an extension of Steckler's life and work 45 years later." Whatever.

Contest Winner!!!

2008-07-11T14:35:00.001-07:00

OK, folks -- Manos won "Hands-down" in our crummyandhardtofind T-shirt contest. Unfortunately, the only suggestion I received was for a New Year's Hat. I also received a comment from "Sackmouth", but apparently he was only making "comments". (Oh, Ya!)

But for those who have collected enough Kroger Bux, now is the time to cash them in! This beautiful shirt featuring everyone's favorite Satyr "Torgo" is available to the first blogger who has collected 5,000 Kroger Bux.

The shirt is made of 100% cotton with the crummyandhardtofind URL prominently displayed. Makes a great Christmas gift!

HOMICIDAL on TCM this month

2008-07-11T14:00:00.001-07:00

Gimmick-meister William Castle produced and directed the Psycho rip-off Homicidal in 1961. In this picture, Castle inserted a 45-second "fright break" prior to the climactic scene in the picture. For those who couldn't stand the shock, yellow arrows were painted on the theater floor showing wimpy patrons the way to the "coward's corner" where they could get a refund.

The film is actually not bad, and the tension does mount prior to the "fright break". However, Castle missed the real opportunity; had he combined his efforts with the producers of the previously posted picture (see below), he would have created "Everything's Homicidal", the first film about a deranged duck named Scuttlebutt who murders people that make fun of his quack.

Everything's Fowl

2008-07-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

I was lucky(?) to get home last night to catch the 1961 ham-a-thon Everything’s Ducky. This low-budget comedy features Buddy Hackett and Mickey Rooney as sailors who befriend a talking duck named “Scuttlebutt”. The duck has memorized the formula for a special rocket fuel, and the Navy brass want to extract it from Scuttlebutt’s brain.

Predictably, Hackett and Rooney do their best to save the duck. They hide from their superior officers, lie to them, and fool them; but instead of waterboarding the two tars, their commanders allow them to wander around the base, at one point even recruiting their secretary to “spy” on the pair.

There are funny parts: when Hackett and Rooney try to teach the duck to swim, someone is obviously pulling the duck’s head in the water with a string. But mostly there are unfunny parts. Particularly dull is when the boys try to teach Scuttlebutt to quack.

Richard Deacon (Lumpy’s dad) finally decodes the formula, saving Scuttlebutt’s life, but too late -- the duck has been selected as a test animal for a space mission. Still intent on saving the bird, Hackett and Rooney slip past NASA security (please don’t show the Al-Qaeda how this is done!) and end up in the space capsule with Scuttlebutt. The movie abruptly ends as Rooney, Hackett and Scuttlebutt float around weightless. They apparently survive, as they team up two years later in Mad Mad World (except for Scuttlebutt).

Contest and Book Review

2008-07-06T10:47:00.001-07:00

Well, folks -- the contest is going along SWIMMINGLY although we have yet to receive any comments or recommendations about other lines that would fit this site. Voting is strong; the only featured line from "Manos" is leading the voting right now.

BOOK REVIEW: For those who can't get enough Ed Wood, I recommend Ed's sin city primer "Hollywood Rat Race". Written circa 1965, this is a slim volume of advice for those who are considering moving to Hollywood to make it big as a movie star. To save you the reading, Ed's advice is: Don't.

I had my suspicions about whether or not Wood had actually written the book. It was published in 1998, four years after the release of the Tim Burton movie -- the "peak" of the Wood resurgence. There is a line in the book that predicts the moon landing "in a few years" (maybe Criswell helped). And there are several odd references to Angora sweaters, which seems to be overdoing it a bit.

But the book is goofy in the right places: Regardless of the subject of the chapter, Wood will interject some story of one of his actor pals that may or may not be relevant. In the chapter called "Hate" (the theme of the chapter is about those snobby "stage" actors who "condescend" to play in pictures) Wood describes a public appearance of Bela Lugosi that he managed late in the actor's career. In the chapter called "How to live without Money in Hollywood", we hear the story of "famous" actor Tom Keene who supplemented his acting earnings by running an insurance agency. Playing roles like Colonel Tom Edwards in "Plan 9", I am not surprised he needed to moonlight.

Wood is also not afraid to plug his work (who can forget "Final Curtain?"), and he refers to himself several times as a "writer". Well, writer he is -- quality aside. If you would like a glance inside Wood's mind, I'll be happy to lend you the book.

Crummyandhardtofind T-Shirt Contest!

2008-07-03T05:18:00.000-07:00

Here’s your chance to WIN BIG in the first annual crummyandhardtofind T-shirt contest!

I am soliciting your input in selecting a theme for the first crummyandhardtofind T-shirt, and would like you to vote for the line that best fits this website!

If you don’t like any of these great lines, submit one of your own!!! Every entry is worth 100 Kroger Bux, and the GRAND PRIZE is…well, it’s a secret!!!

Celebrity Lang Jeffries Jr. will select the winner on FRIDAY JULY 11, and will post the winning entry on this site!

For those of you who are creative, Lang Jr. would also like to see YOUR ideas for a crummyandhardtofind logo for the T-Shirt. All artistic submissions will be posted as part of this exciting contest!!!

"Bay of Pigs" Saga Revolting

2008-06-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

OK, I have to admit Red Zone Cuba (aka Night Train to Mundo Fine) was so staggeringly bad, I had to consult IMDB and Wikipedia to help me sort things out. Let’s just say convict Coleman Francis (yes, the same fellow featured in two of the three Lemon Grove Kids films) goes to Cuba with his two pals, then returns. Occasionally they are on or in a train, but not always. In the interim, we witness several crimes (mostly by Coleman) and firing squad executions (mostly by Cubans). Fidel Castro looks like a shaved Gabe Kaplan with a fake beard glued back on. At least John Carradine is not a doctor in this picture.

“The Skydivers” will complete my Coleman Francis education (Yucca Flats was Coleman’s masterpiece). Perhaps I can use my fear of heights as an excuse to avoid it?

ALSO, if anyone has The Last of the American Hoboes, PLEASE CONTACT ME! I referred to this film in an earlier Coleman Francis entry. Hoboes was directed by none other than Titus Moede who played Boo Boo in Rat Pfink A Boo Boo.

A Pair of Paracinema Definitions

2008-06-25T11:24:00.001-07:00

I accidentally DVR’d Haxan from IFC (Independent Film Channel) not TCM. I visited the IFC Web site later, I noticed that the network is celebrating “Grindhouse” month; three horror films every Thursday in June. Although this isn’t Lang’s cup of tea (rather slickly done slasher fare, or “para-paracinema” -- more on that later), I thought it appropriate to advertise, should anyone have an interest. And though several of the films are not technically “Grindhouse” (Scream 3 and a few others on the bill were made after the Slasher Sweetspot of the 1970’s and 80’s), I might advise you to at least watch “The Evil Dead”, co-starring Berkley neighbor Ellen Sandweiss.

Film scholars have coined the term “Paracinema” to describe cult films or films that live “outside of the mainstream”. Exploitation films (like Mom and Dad) made between 1918 and 1960 fall into the Paracinema category. Early Drive-in horror films like “Blood Feast” (1963), too gory at the time of release to be considered mainstream, fall into the category of Paracinema. But as tastes changed in the late 60’s, audiences adjusted to graphic violence (as they adjusted to pornography), and the border between cult and mainstream became blurred. Films like “Friday the 13th”, because of their professional production qualities, were considered mainstream by Paracinemasts, and hence, did not qualify as Paracinema. Debate about the classification of these films continues, and film scholars have recently rebranded the genre as “Para-paracinema”. (Really!)

At any rate, information on Paracinema on the Internet aligns more to the IFC Grindhouse era versus the Exploitation era (1918 to 1960), which means the IFC films are really more Para-paracinema than Paracinema. I also subscribe to Paracinema Magazine which recently contained features on “A Clockwork Orange” (Mainstream), Divine (Paracinema), and Herschel Gordon Lewis (Paracinema)

"Time for Go To Bed!"

2008-06-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

So commanded Tor Johnson in the classic "The Unearthly" (Hats off to Mace Bacon who recommended this 1957 stinker). The line is emotionally delivered by "Lobo" (Tor) after Dr. Conway (John Carradine -- who always plays a crummy scientist) asks him to direct the patients to their rooms for the evening. Doc just polished off a sweet Toccata and Fugue to divert attention while Lobo was hiding the Shredded Wheat lady.

Of John Carradine's 339 appearances in movies in television, he was a doctor in 23 of those appearances (including Dr. DeMarco in The Astro Zombies!). I have to believe this film was the inspiration for Carradine's character Dr. Bernardo in Woody Allen's 1972 "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex..." -- ("They called me mad at Masters and Johnson"). At any rate, we get to see Tor's full spectrum as an actor as he sets a personal record for dialogue in a film.

Would y'all mind passin' the ammo, baby?

2008-06-19T13:30:00.001-07:00

A book documenting the story of Dr. Gatling’s 1861 sinister invention, the Gatling Gun, has recently been published. Foreshadowing the rapid technical advance in weapons of warfare, this device, first used in the Civil War, fired continuous rounds of bullets using a manual crank, and is considered the first “machine gun”. An unfortunate side effect of the weapon’s dark legacy was the tepid 1973 western “The Gatling Gun”, which, among other failings, featured a dreadfully miscast Phil Harris.

Phil was a burly, boozing bandleader/singer from the Bing Crosby generation who spoke in a hepcat, jazzy slang. He did not bother to alter this style for the film. As I remember it, Phil had the Gatling crank in one hand and a tumbler of scotch in the other, mowing down hordes of confederate soldiers while yelling “Come and get it, baby!”

Reason enough to rent the film. And if this performance touches you, may I suggest viewing the “Lucy Show” episode (please note, not “I Love Lucy”, but its shark-jumped successor) featuring Phil. He sings a love song to Lucy -- something to the effect of : “You were the moon, I was out of tune, You were the stars, I was drivin’ cars”. The song is so desiccated, it dries the tomato soup right off Lucy’s lips. Phil is so taken by his own drivel that he actually starts crying. My God, this is great stuff!

2008 EDFEST SOLD TO CONGLOMERATE; SHAREHOLDERS MEETING TO TAKE PLACE THURSDAY JUNE 19, IN BERKLEY MI.

2008-06-09T09:44:00.001-07:00

BERKLEY (AP): On June 19, World-renowned EdFest® is morphing into LANG FEST! The oldest continuous EdFest in the United States (source: Encyclopaedia Brittanica) is transitioning ownership to Lang Jeffries, Jr. owner and administrator of crummyandhardtofind.blogspot.com, (this excellent website!) Rest assured, Ed didn’t do this for the money. “I’m looking to raise general awareness of the festival, and I don’t have the deep pockets or distribution capability of crummyandhardtofind,” stated Ed. EdFesters will have lots of questions about the transition, so Ed has put together this FAQ. If you have any further questions, please leave a comment!

What happened to EdFest?
Nothing! It’s still the best après-work event in the country. All that’s changed is the name! In the future, you will just enjoy it as “LangFest”. In return for his investment, all Lang Jeffries is asking is that we rechristen the event. This is similar to Comerica buying the naming rights to the Tigers’ baseball stadium.

Where is it?
The Blarney Stone Pub, 5:00 p.m. on Thursday, June 19th. The Blarney Stone is on the west side of Woodward, just north of 11 Mile. About a mile north of I696.

Thursday? What is that all about? I do my laundry on Thursday!
Ed and Lang agreed that summer weekends – particularly Fridays -- are difficult to coordinate what with vacations and all. The place should also be less crowded on Thursday.

So is this just a sh*tty, underhanded way of getting people to get to this friggin' blog site?
Ha Ha.

What if I can’t make it?
With the way Ed’s been coordinating things, the next LangFest won’t be until Fall 2010. So I would move h*ll and high water to get there.

Oh, Ok.

New Flick "Zero Comments" in Theaters Soon!

2008-05-30T17:52:00.000-07:00

IN THE TRADITION OF CITIZEN KANE, THE GODFATHER and GONE WITH THE WIND, world-famous scenarist Lang Jeffries Jr. announces the next ground-breaking American classic: "Zero Comments"

"Zero Comments" is a taut, edge-of-your-seat, new-age thriller about a blogger (Lang Jeffries Jr.) who mysteriously and consistently receives no comments on his blog! Why?! Is it a ghost that haunts the blog? A mysterious relative from the past prohibiting the transmission of comments via vast cyber-powers? Is a demented Colonel Sanders cruelly deploying his new chipotle-flavored crispy chicken as a strategic diversion to otherwise interested bloggers?

At any rate, SEE how intriguing and controversial posts are incredibly re-channeled to other, less interesting blogs (Care to see my used tires?, and The Official Al Lewis Web Shrine, to name but a few!).

An FBI cover-up? Bloggers still reeling from the TOO HOT Klinger/Nesor controversy?!

YOU be the judge!

SEE: "ZERO COMMENTS" -- the first picture filmed in stomach-churning 4D CYBERVISION! (Special glasses required)

Think you know these guys? Look again!

2008-05-23T11:18:00.001-07:00

No, that isn’t Martin and Lewis, it’s Mitchell and Petrillo, as in Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo. The two starred in the classic, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, which also features “Cheetah” -- the original chimp from Tarzan. Sammy Petrillo is eight years younger than Jerry Lewis, and once played his “baby” on a Colgate Comedy Hour sketch. Lewis, impressed by Petrillo’s mimicking talents, signed the young comic. Petrillo claims it was a preventive measure: Lewis was more interested in keeping Petrillo out of the public eye rather than promoting him. Petrillo’s father sued Lewis, releasing him -- Sammy was only a minor when the contract was signed.

As a “one-trick” showman, Petrillo’s career never took off. He had occasional TV and night club gigs, and eventually paired up with singer Duke Mitchell. Other than “Brooklyn Gorilla”, the cut-rate Wal-Martin and Lewis never repeated their earlier “success”. Petrillo claims Jerry Lewis threatened to boycott big clubs in Vegas if anyone hired the team. Eventually (and coincidentally), Petrillo starred in two Doris Wishman nudies: Shangri-la and Keyholes are for Peeping. That was about it. Duke Mitchell, is no longer among the living, but Petrillo is still with us.

Petrillo also claims having the same haircut and pointed boots that the Beatles wore years before the Fab Four made them popular. If given the forum, he may also tell us how he invented the Internet.

HOT DVD's OUT THIS WEEK! Be the first on the block to buy these beauties!

2008-05-19T18:16:00.001-07:00

The Lemon Grove Kids Meet Elliot Spitzer: The Lemon Grove Kids travel to Albany to cheer up the ex-Gov of New York. The shenanigans start when Slug tricks Gopher into taking part in a blindfolded cucumber tasting contest. What a dilly!

Press a Button, Something Happens: A Tor Johnson Retrospective. Tor appeared in over 30 films and this special set contains his most brilliant moments. Three and a half-minutes in length. Contains the famous “Walk for Your Life” scene from “Beast of Yucca Flats”.

Doris Wishman’s controversial 1990 political porn film Charlie Wilson’s Whore. Banned until 2005, the film was pulled during its original release due to the inflammatory dialogue aimed at the Soviets (Vic Tayback, as President Ronald Reagan, says “Stuff it, Gorby!”)

Lang Jr., host of this site and proud owner of Javorsky Jems Video offers these precious pix at popular prices! Kudos to Lang!

Decapitated? I said I wanted "Decaffeinated!" The Trouble with Astro Zombies

2008-05-14T18:32:00.001-07:00

Dr. DeMarco isn't having a great day! The CIA has been spying on him, suspecting his involvement in a a series of mutilation murders. DeMarco has successfully constructed an "Astro Man", but like Dr. Frankenstein, had to settle for a defective brain (probably director Ted V. Mikels's). There are two protagonists, a horny third-rate James Bond type who drives around in a hot paneled station wagon, and his pal, horny Dr. Porter who likes to pinch his girlfriend's behind. A foreign government is interested in DeMarco's achievement, and their lead agent (Faster Pussycat's Tura Satana) is a chain-smoking Geisha who shoots everything in sight. Her character's name is "Satana". DeMarco's Astro Zombies (he ends up with a pair) run amok in Hollywood, and strip their victims before killing them. DeMarco patiently imparts his theory on mute assistant Franchot, who tests the doctor's theories on one of Dean Martin's Gold diggers. The film features a topless snake-lady dance and a synthetic heart that runs on solar power.

Click on graphic for bigger view!

Klinger Kontroversy! Was Jamie Farr Stobo?!?

2008-05-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

Once again, crummyandhardtofind.blogspot.com delivers the kind of hard-hitting investigative journalism that can only be found on this site!

In an earlier posting, I had referred to reviews I had on IMDB.com. Up until a year ago (since I had last checked), my review for xmas stinker Santa Claus Conquers the Martians had appeared under the title: Jamie Farr Keeps Martian Hams at Bay. Mysteriously, the review had vanished (Don’t worry folks, the others are still there!).

I hadn’t given the disappearance much thought until recently. I happened to scan the actors on the IMDB entry for SCCTM and noticed no credit for Jamie Farr. Hmmm, could my eyes be deceiving me? I was certain he was in this crummy classic! But according to IMDB, the character Farr allegedly portrays – Stobo – is credited to a certain “Al Nesor”, a Broadway character actor whose most famous role was Fleagle Eyed Eagle in Li'l Abner. Not completely satisfied with the answer, I probed further. Googling “Santa Claus Conquers” and “Jamie Farr”, I uncovered some very interesting stuff!

The website badmovieplanet.com claims: “The Martian playing Stobo is not Jamie Farr, as some would have you think. It was Al Nesor, who also played a character in the Li'l Abner musical - who everyone also mistakes as being Farr.”

And this from the NY Times: “Farr was not in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians during this period, as has often been reported; the cast of that turkey included a Broadway actor named Al Nesor, who bore a startling resemblance to Farr and played many of the same type roles.”

Seems like the case was settled. But then I stumbled upon this nugget on: www.alamedatv.org/programs/monster_santa.html

Author Ed Schneider claims: “There has been much debate over whether Jamie Farr (from M*A*S*H) actually appeared in this film. He denies it, but the truth may be he is just ashamed.” Schneider has him credited as “Stobo”.

To support Schneider’s theory, Jamie Farr’s Wikipedia entry confirms: “He may also have played a bit part in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”

Who to believe?

Investigative work is never pretty, and investigating Jamie Farr is not prettier still. I went to http://www.jamiefarr.com/ . The site suspiciously lacks a filmography, usually an indication that there is some work better left “undiscussed“. In fact, the site contains only a few references to his early career before he charges into M*A*S*H.

A “Klinger Cover-up?“ You can’t dress this one up, Farr!

As they say the proof is in the puddin’. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is now in the public domain and available for viewing over the web from many sites for free. So I reviewed the film in detail on http://www.archive.org/.

I urge you to scan the film for yourself (you don’t have to sit through the whole debacle). Find “Stobo“ (he appears several times during the last twenty-five minutes) and tell me: is that Jamie Farr or not?

Here is another interesting fact: according to IMDB.com, Nesor was born in 1911, which would make him 54 years old when Santa was made. The sprightly Stobo was more likely played by someone much younger.

However, my mind was made up after scrutinizing stills from Li’l Abner. I have included a few vidcaps of Al Nesor from that film as well as Stobo pix from SCCTH. It was difficult to nail Stobo to Farr or Nesor vocally, as Stobo mostly giggles through Claus; the few lines he did have were delivered at a high, goofy pitch.

But although Nesor and Farr are doppelgangers, there are slight physical differences that can be detected, specifically around the lines of the mouth (Farr’s are not pronounced), and the sharpness of the nose (Farr’s is rounder). The lines and nose of Nesor match those of Stobo.
As a result, I agree with the Times assessment: Stobo is played by Al Nesor.

My next steps are to ensure the Wikipedia entry for Farr is corrected.

Once again, crummyandhardtofind.blogspot.com is on the job, and justice is served!

Om Pax Om!

2008-05-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

Was perusing the TCM Underground offerings in May and stumbled across a Danish silent film made in 1922 called "Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages". The IMDB comments were strikingly positive, and most comments assessed the film as "amazing", "innovative" and "fascinating". "Way ahead of its time" another reviewer commented, surprised by scenes of nudity and torture for a film made over 85 years ago (Doris Wishman was only 10 years old at the time!) I'm certain TCM will show the "restored" version, which apparently is the one to watch. At any rate, set your DVR's for 2:00 a.m. on May 30th.

Also, I'll put in a plug for "High as a Kite" Night on TCM this Friday (5/9). The joint is rockin' with Reefer Madness at 2:00 a.m., Marihuana at 3:15 and Cocaine Fiends at 4:30 a.m.

Not too fast, not too furious -- on TCM Underground Tonight

2008-04-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

Not technically in the “crummy” category, teen movie The Fast and the Furious is featured tonight (4/25) on Turner Classic Movies (12:30 a.m.). The Fast and the Furious was co-written by low-budget maestro Roger Corman, and is notable as the first release from American International Pictures (AIP). AIP made its fortune by exploiting the teen audience (specifically the nineteen year-old male) beginning in the mid-fifties, and continuing into the late 1970’s. A typical 60’s AIP release – Pajama Party -- is featured earlier at 7:00 p.m.

Corman went on to produce the famous “Poe” cycle of films at AIP (The Pit and the Pendulum, The Raven, Masque of the Red Death) and countless others, and he helped launch the careers of directors Martin Scorsese and Francis Ford Coppola. Corman had a cameo as a senator in the congressional investigation sequence in The Godfather 2.

Man, oh Manos! What a Picture!

2008-04-18T05:14:00.001-07:00

I would like to kindle the debate regarding “the worst film of all time”, now that “Manos: the Hands of Fate” has been submitted as a candidate. Certainly, there is plenty of evidence to support the nomination. For those unfamiliar with the film, the story starts when a small family gets lost on the outskirts of El Paso, Texas. Of course, Dad won’t stop for directions, and that’s how the whole mess begins. They end up at what looks like a deserted HoJo’s and are greeted by the local satyr, Torgo. As befits his mythological character, Torgo’s lower extremities are goat-like, and he talks like a goat as well. In the first half of the film, he shuttles the family luggage from the car to the ranch and back again and does not get tipped. He constantly rants about the “Master” whose paint-by-number portrait hangs in the living room. Then Torgo gets it in his head to take Mom as his wife, (frustrated apparently with the 0 for 28 match analysis on his eHarmony.com personality profile. Sample: “Do you like cloven feet? Y or N”). The second half of the film contains a prolonged catfight involving the Master’s six wives. Later, the Master cleverly uses Torgo’s severed hand to start a barbecue. In the end, it’s not apparent who is alive or dead or even half-dead, but that’s OK, because it’s over.

Although bad, I’m not sure I’d even place it in my top three. First, unlike Plan 9, all the actors survived the filming. (Torgo, played by the great John Reynolds, was considerate enough to commit suicide after the filming took place – and who can blame him?). Second, unlike “Clambake,” there was neither a Will Hutchins nor any crummy musical number (although it would be a gas to hear the Master sing “Confidence”!). And third, unlike Robot Monster, there were no gorillas (not even a Kogar!) And the first twenty minutes of highway scenery -- which looked eerily like the 8mm film my brother shot out of the car window while we were driving to Washington D. C. -- was more nostalgic than boring. So, like the family itself, Manos lies outside of my top three, somewhere on the outskirts of El Paso.

And like mom always says, make sure you wash your “hands of fate” before dinner. Your father may need one of them to ignite the pilot in the furnace!

Lang Jr. Finishes New Lemon Groves Kids Script!

2008-04-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone! Lang Jr. is at it again. He just finished his latest Lemon Grove Kid's treatment and is ready to share it with the world.

This edition, called "Lemon Grove Kids do an Atomic Sit-up", features all the characters you've come to know and love! Slug, Fatso, and the others teach Gopher how to do an "Atomic Sit-up!"

Thanks, again, Lang Jr.! Your talent is astounding!

http://home.comcast.net/~eengman/site/?/page/Atomic/

Lang Jeffries, Sr.

Timothy Farrell Trailer-Fest: Comcast On Demand

2008-04-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

Hey gang! I'm always promoting On Demand -- Cutting Edge -- Something Weird, and in this week's trailer trash, check out the 1950's Exploitation selection. Of the four movie previews offered in this collection, no less than 3 feature B-Movie legend Timothy Farrell!

Fun facts about Farrell:

He played the character "Umberto Scalli" in three different pictures
He appeared in four films that contained either the word "Girl" or "Girls"
He was in two movies that contain the word "Racket"
In "Test Tube Babies" he did not wear his trademark mustache
He appeared in two Ed Wood films: Glen or Glenda and Jailbait
When he wasn't starring in low-budget Adults-only films, he was a bailiff in the LA Sheriff's Department. One of his films (Paris After Midnight) was seized during a police raid, causing him a bit of professional embarrassment.
Farrell appeared in 1954 (Judy Garland) version of A Star is Born...as a bailiff!
He played a doctor in three different films
His real name is Timothy Sperl

And this in a career of only twelve films over a span of ten years!

SIN-A-RAMA - This Week, Plan 9!

2008-04-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

Folks, it's only proper that I present the grandaddy of all time and the inspiration to us all -- Plan 9 From Outer Space! What more can be said?

The screening to the left presents the full feature, the first part of the film, or the trailer, if that's all you can take in one setting.

On deck: R.D. Steckler montage!

Lang Jr. Presents: SIN-A-RAMA!

2008-04-05T07:46:00.000-07:00

View the worst in Cinema RIGHT FROM THIS BLOG! Not content to just TALK about bad cinema, I have personally taken the steps necessary to actually BRING THESE MOVIES DIRECTLY to YOU the VIEWER without ever having to leave this blog!

Playing this week: The Coleman Francis classic The Beast From Yucca Flats!

On Deck: Plan Nine from Outer Space!

Plus, other goodies from the big bad world of crummyandhardtofind!

Be my guest!

Adults Only: Indecent Doris

2008-03-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

For those of you that have access to On Demand (Comcast Channel 1), I encourage you to visit the The Cutting Edge / Something Weird / Retro Erotica channel and view Indecent Desires, a 1967 release by notorious female filmmaker Doris Wishman. I had only seen excerpts of Doris' work (Nude on the Moon) in other compilation videos, and Something Weird delivers only 30 minutes of the seventy-five minute release, but it's enough. The story concerns a nerdy guy who finds a doll in a wastebasket, and uses it to perform a kind of sexual voodoo. Although the movie is bad, calling Doris Wishman the Female Ed Wood does her a disservice. Although light in the story line, it is coherent, and even predictable.

I advise you to view it while you can; Something Weird turns their videos over every month. And take the opportunity to explore the other categories in Something Weird -- the movie trailers are not to be believed!

"Nothing bothers some people; not even flying saucers"

2008-03-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

For those of you who enjoyed the Lemon Groves Kids films, you should note that "Big Ed" was played by none other than the great B-film director, Coleman Francis. Coleman's legacy includes "Beast of Yucca Flats", "The Skydivers", and "Night Train to Mondo Fine". I have only seen the first of these cinema classics (Yucca Flats) and can attest to its awfulness. I am told (and will have no trouble believing) the others are equally as bad. The dialog (or should I say monologue, see title above) -- done entirely through voice over -- should give you an indication of the film's quality. Coleman also starred in "The Last American Hobo"; a film about hobos. Poor Coleman was eventually "caught up in the wheels of progress" and passed away in 1973.

For those interested in seeing Yucca, let me know. You can borrow my copy.

New Local Horror TV Show offers fun and life-altering traumatic experiences for Future Generations!

2008-03-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

For those local Detroiters who have been clamoring for a crummy sci-fi fim fix, a new pusher has arrived! Beginning in March, you can see Wolfman Mac and Nightmare Sinema on MyTV20 at 1:00 a.m. on Friday nights. The show features the best of the worst in sci-fi and horror, along with old commercials and music videos. The following website contains all the information you need to know:

http://www.nightmaresinema.com/index.html

I recall fondly the wonderful Sir Graves shows that used to be on Saturday afternoons. However, I have to admit I had to see a psychiatrist to help me get over my crush on Tillie. And even though I sent several crayon drawings to Sir Graves, none were ever displayed (those, too, went straight to the shrink). I truly believe we need to extend these peculiar experiences to our children.

At any rate, let's support the Wolfman and keep horror on local TV!

It All Started with VD

2008-03-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

Book Review: The last word on exploitation comes in a book by Eric Schaefer called: Bold, Daring, Shocking, True. No less a personage than David Friedman himself passed the "shibboleth" on to Mr. Schaefer, recognizing his efforts in compiling this encyclopedic evaluation of the genre. Along with a 40-page appendix of films and a fine selection of illustrations, Schaefer convincingly argues the evolution of exploitation (its roots are in silent, government sponsored sex hygiene films used for military training, circa 1919), and thoroughly analyzes and explains each sub-genre, up until 1960, when organized censorship was beginning to unravel. The discussion gets a little too analytical in the chapter regarding burlesque films, but other than that Schaefer keeps it grounded and interesting. Mandatory reading for anyone interested in this category of cinema art.

P.S. I apologize for my lack of posts this last week, but I am engaged in an investigative piece so far-reaching that certain film personalities will be stunned by the evidence! I am hoping to wrap this project up in the next week, so PLEASE continue to review this blog on a regular basis!!!

John Agar comes back from the dead to Bookmark this Blog Site

2008-03-16T09:31:00.000-07:00

B-movie Icon John Agar recently rose from the dead in order to bookmark crummyandhardtofind.blogspot.com and he encourages everyone to follow his lead.

"It's lonely 'down under' -- and I don't mean Australia! Reviewing the wisdom of Lang Jeffries Jr. has kept me 'alive', so to speak for this many years" [Agar passed away on 2002].

Normally, the authors of this site pride themselves on their modesty, but with an endorsement like this, how can we refrain from boasting!

Thanks, J.A. -- and rest in peace!

Tonight: Turner Classic Movies presents Notorious B.I.G.

2008-03-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

Bert I. Gordon (aka Mr. B.I.G.), the director responsible for King Dinosaur, The Amazing Colossal Man, War of the Colossal Beast, and Village of the Giant, (think The Royal Guardsmen and the Snoopy versus the Red Baron songs) apparently looked through the wrong end of the telescope to create “Attack of the Puppet People”. Notorious B.I.G. was leeching off the success of sci-fi predecessor The Incredible Shrinking Man. Stars John Agar, of course. Set your DVR for 4:00 a.m.

And just in time for Easter, here comes Peter Cottontail, bringing his thundering wrath of bloody carnage and half-eaten human carcass down the bunny trail. Rory Calhoun and man-eating rabbits star in Night of the Lepus. Set your DVR to 2:15 a.m.

I'm working from home as a Kroger Bucks Processor!

2008-03-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

Do you ever dream of going to work in your slippers? Having a daily commute of about twenty feet? Goldbricking on your own toilet, where people can't look underneath the stall, recognize your shoes, and say "Hey, Ed -- you can give up your seat now, the performance is over?"

Julie Weinbratz did, and now she makes thousands processing Kroger Bux from home!

Due to an overwhelming demand, the country is in urgent need of processors who can convert web activity into Kroger Bucks! After deleting your favorite porn links, you should have enough space on your computer to perform the instantaneous transmutation! And it only takes minutes to learn!

Contact Lang Jeffries Jr. now and ask for details. Start basking in the success of being a Kroger Bucks processor!

Luv those Kroger Bucks!!!

Correction! 3-way Tie for Mr. Roof Last Line

2008-03-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

Please accept Lang's apology, but there was third entry to the Last Line contest that deserves honorable mention, although it looks like the author borrowed a little from "Planet of the Kogars".

Congrats: 15 kroger bux to you and yours!

Sad to say I can't find much dirt on Romeo Barrymore -- Kogar's limp-wristed trainer. You'd think with a handle like that there oughtta be a fan club or something. Somebody should start one. I'll join.

R.D. Fest on TCM and other vital information!

2008-03-08T14:49:00.001-08:00

I'm sure most of you have already viewed the two incredible R. D. Steckler films presented last night on TCM! I was a virgin for "The Incredibly Strange Creatures.." and was well rewarded for my virtue! R. D. plays Jerry, a young bum who becomes hypnotized by a carny fortune teller and ends up slashing people while wearing a hoodie. Features several musical numbers much scarier than the storyline. The climactic sequence is a zombie style "From Here to Eternity".

And of course, Rat Pfink a Boo Boo was worth a second look. Steckler trivia: In both "Rat Pfink a Boo Boo" and "The Lemon Grove Kids go Hollywood", the plot revolves around the kidnapping of Cee Bee Beaumont, played by Carolyn Brandt. Both films. You'd think Steak would be at least clever enough to change the character name!

Trivia Contest: "Cash Flagg" -- Steckler's acting alias. No winners!

Winner of the Mr. Roof "Last Line" contest: tie! Both entries made by anonymous ("The Roof? You can't handle the roof!" and "Clam-roof" qualified as winners, and each will receive their prize via the U. S. Mail!

Book Review: In other news, just finished Forbidden Fruit; the Golden Age of Exploitation Film (Felicia Feaster and Bret Wood, 1999, Midnight Marquee Press); an O.K trip through exploitation land. The authors have a tendency to be philosophical and verbose:

"Just as the freak show moved away from a popular amusement in its heyday, to a lower class vice in the travelling carnival circuit, burlesque's fall from grace came from a "bourgeoisification" [her quotes] of the entertainment industry".

And a running feminist rant seems irrelevant. Yet, the book is chock full of exploitation stills, lobby cards, and advertisements that keep the reader captivated up until the soggy conclusion.

R. D. Steckler Contest!

2008-03-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

For 1,000 Kroger Bucks, can you figure out the relevance of this picture? Hint: R. D. Steckler.

STECKLER ALERT: Two Films on TCM this Friday Night!

2008-03-05T05:28:00.001-08:00

BULLETIN: Two classic R. D. Steckler films will be broadcast on Friday Night / Saturday Morning on Turner Classic Movies: The Incredibly Strange People Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies (at 2:15 a.m.) and Rat Pfink a Boo Boo (at 3;45)

Set your DVR's and don't miss these classics!

Is this Kismet, or what?

Mr. Roof, The Movie

2008-03-03T17:14:00.000-08:00

World-famous scenarist Lang Jeffries Jr. has just finished the treatment for a thrilling production entitled "Mr. Roof, The Movie". The film stars former Detroit Tiger shortstop Alan Trammell and voice of the Tigers, Ernie Harwell, reprising their roles from the original Mr. Roof commercial.

The action begins when Ernie and Alan start talking about the new roof. Then the pace picks up when Ernie describes the benfits of a new roof. A joke is then made, and the two of them laugh. Alan pipes in with something, but you can barely understand him. The dialog drags on. Close up of a new shingle. Then Ernie says, "When are we going to get off of this roof?"

Needless to say, the tension at this point is unbearable. Lang doesn't want to give the ending away, but you can bet Kogar is involved!

To whet your whistle, here are the last three lines of dialog:

Alan: We better get outta here! Kogar is coming!

Ernie: Yeah!

Alan: ????????????

To promote the production, Lang is giving 500 bonus Kroger Bucks away to the lucky contestant who writes the BEST final line of dialog! Lang will judge among the thousands of entries and select the winner in a few days. So HURRY! You want to be a part of film history, don't you?

Twist All Night -- and earn Kroger Bucks to Boot!

2008-02-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

Unlike children, Louis Prima should be heard and not seen. Although the homely bandleader's unique vocal stylings made their mark on soundtracks from Disney to Scorsese, his actual acting career made everyone feel uncomfortable.

In the horrific Twist All Night (aka The Continental Twist, 1961), Louis plays the role of "Louis Evans", a with-it bandleader whose twist grooves keep the cats hoppin' all night. But the owners of the building want to reclaim the nightclub to accommodate their expanding art forgery business. Thugs are hired to break-up the swingin' scene, throwing civic leaders into a panic. Can Louis save the day? Prima is supported by June "The Bust" Wilkinson, who is underpaid in the role of Louis' love interest. Coincidentally, Louis "busts" up a party with a performance of "Dance of the Seven Veils." If the number was half as funny as kiss-ass Sam Butera's spine-chilling hee-haws would suggest, Louis would be a genius in France.

To celebrate the 47th anniversary of this contortionist classic, noted scenarist Lang Jeffries Jr. is offering 15 Kroger Bucks to anyone who reads this blog while doing the twist. That's right, earn an extra 15 smackaroos just for shaking your booty!

Hats off to Lang Jr.!

Start Earning Kroger Bucks for Free Booze!

2008-02-25T10:33:00.000-08:00

Lang Jeffries Jr. has launched an exciting new program that rewards bloggers simply for visiting this site!

Starting immediately, bloggers can earn “Kroger Bucks” just for visiting, making comments, or voting in polls. Once 100 “Kroger Bucks” are accumulated, the blogger can cash in for a free 12 oz. beer, non-alcoholic beer, or hard lemonade.!*

Our gay friends can purchase glasses of white zinfandel, or whatever fruity concoction suits their fancy. Here are the details:

Choose your own Rewards Name and log it on the attached Kroger Bucks tracking sheet.
Every time you visit the site, record the number of Bucks you have accumulated based on the following:

Site Visit: 10 Bucks
Vote in a poll: 20 Bucks
Leave a Comment: 50 Bucks

(Note: comments must be more than just “I have 30 Kroger Bucks, only 70 more to go.” Or “I now have 40 Kroger Bucks, only 60 more to go.”)

Keep your total in the “Current Total” cell, next to your Rewards Name. It’s that easy!
Every week, Lang will review the Rewards Sheet and dispense rewards based on Kroger Bucks accumulated. All you need to do is sit back and enjoy your rewards!

FAQ:
Q: How does world-famous scenarist Lang Jeffries Jr. know where to send my rewards?
A: He hasn’t got all the bugs out of the system yet. Let’s just say he’s working on it.

Q: That might take years!
A: It’s all about you, isn’t it? Stop being so materialistic. Your reward comes in the next life.

Q: Can I use my Broger Bucks toward the purchase of a prostitute?
A: Yes.

Q: There’s a beautiful new Porsche I’ve had my eye on. Can I use my Kroger Bucks towards that?
A: Indirectly. After you’ve consumed enough alcohol after cashing in your Kroger Bucks, feel free to steal the luxury vehicle of your choice. The booze should embolden you to illegal activity you may not have considered before!

Q: When can I start earning Kroger Bucks?
A: We’re currently in pilot phase, which should last about three years. I think after that.

Q: I can’t find the tracking sheet!
A: The what? Your line is breaking up…What was that? I can’t hear you.

*Not really.

Jesus on the Rocks

2008-02-20T10:03:00.001-08:00

Well, Good News and Bad News...I received "The Prince of Peace" yesterday, but it did not contain the Kroger Babb additions featuring Ginger Prince. Film is just OK, otherwise, and actually looks nice in color. You know the story. No Oscar performances here, although Judas is pretty bad, and the blind guy to whom Jesus restores sight is comical. You meet several of the players in their street clothes at the beginning of the film. Highpoint of the film is when Lazarus walks out of his tomb -- I've never seen a "fresh" mummy before. Also, there are a lot of rocks. This DVD came with a "bonus" short called the "Door to Heaven".

So I'm back on my Ginger Prince of Peace search.

Did Kogar Become Fishman's Latest Snack?

2008-02-15T17:13:00.000-08:00

HOLLYWOOD (AP) -- Tom, aka the "Beautiful Fishman", may not have perished in Dr. Trent's "swimming pool" as the ending to "Curse of the Swamp Creature" suggests. In fact, the buggy-eyed missing link has been reported stalking local swamps in search of turtles.

In a seemingly unrelated story, Kogar -- famous chimp of "Rat Pfink a Boo Boo" and "Lemon Grove Kids" fame -- has been reported missing. Kogar had been on hard times after serving a prison sentence for stuffing a date rape drug in a banana. Although it is likely Kogar is sleeping it off in an East L.A. flophouse, one just can't dismiss this odd "coincidence".

In a totally unrelated story, my "Prince of Peace" is on the way! Without a description of the product on the site, I can only pray that the DVD includes the Ginger Prince scenes that flank the passion play. I'll keep you posted.

Incidentally, the votes are in, and you've chosen "The Lemon Grove Kids Meet Chris Hanson" as the treatment most likely to breathe life in the franchise. So it's back to work for Lang Jr.!

New "Lemon Grove Kids" Script!

2008-02-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

The first "Lemon Groves Kids" script written in over forty years was recently published by noted award-winning scenarist Lang Jeffries Jr.!

The story, called "The Lemon Grove Kids go to Dealy Plaza", is exciting and fun and teaches kids a bit of history to boot!

To read the exciting treatment, please click on the link below. Producers interested in the script can purchase the exclusive rights for $40.00. If I get no takers, it goes up on eBay next week.

http://home.comcast.net/~eengman/index1.html

The Reel Deal?

2008-02-09T16:50:00.001-08:00

Have I finally scored "The Lawton Story"?

I think I've found the picture at:

http://www.brutallo.com/cult1.html

Stay tuned for updates!

Sour on the Lemon Grove Kids

2008-02-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

In these three "Lemon Grove Kids" shorts, R.D. Steckler pays homage to the Bowery Boys. In the first short, R. D. bills himself as Cash Flagg and plays "Gopher", the Huntz Hall role. Steckler is predictably unfunny.

Steckler directed the first short, but for the next two features turned the chore over to Ted Roter (real name: Peter Balakoff), who apparently found a tripod. The first short tells the story of two gangs that settle their turf war by running a cross-country race. Somehow it ends up as a monster movie. In the second one, the Lemon Grove kids are visited by a female vampire and an alien grasshopper. In the third, the Lemon Grove kids -- who now number only Gopher, Don Snyder, and three (probably unpaid) kids -- perform housework for a famous star. While they do their chores (apparently child labor laws aren't enforced in California), the star is kidnapped. Her low-life producer refuses to pay the ransom, but the Kids save the day. Don Snyder sings "The Lemon Grove Kids" twice.

R.D. tried to sell these as TV pilots, without success. He laments that the Hollywood bigwigs are only in it for the dollar. If they were interested in awful, low-budget home movies, R.D. would be the king.

The Lemon Grove Kids truly are the Dead End kids.

Super Tuesday Votes are in!

2008-02-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all who voted in Arch Hall poll! I'm glad to see democracy at work!

Based on exit polls, it appears Arch would be better served as a tea-pot warmer. Not a big surprise after Hillary complained about off-shoring valuable rug jobs to Afghanistan. At any rate, we've staved off an "intantaneous transmutation" in the domestic coozy industry.

Look for more hard-hitting polls from this site!

Breathe, My Beautiful Fish Man!

2008-02-04T16:29:00.001-08:00

Breathe! Breathe! Breathe ! Breathe!

As we continue to study the respective oeuvres of Kroger Babb and Ray Dennis Steckler, let us not leave behind the work of the amazing Larry Buchanan who gave us "The Eye Creatures", "Mars Needs Women", and the incredible "Curse of the Swamp Creature".

Jeff Alexander -- playing Dr. Simond Trent (the role of a lifetime) -- is obsessed with the "oceanic theory of evolution" and turns normal people into ping-pong ball eyed swamp creatures. Ubiquitous B-movie star (and former Mr. Shirley Temple) John Agar stumbles into the fun. Features a swimming pool that has a current, alligators eating mattress sheets, and voodoo. "Tom," one of the experiments gone awry (and the "beautiful fish man" referenced above), is fed a turtle as a snack. Yum!

I Feel Pretty, thanks to Krog!

2008-02-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, "Why Men Leave Home" (aka "The Secrets of Beauty") inspired a new look for me; I have taken Ern Westmore's tips (I'm an oval face) and discovered a lovelier, more confident Lang Jr.. Ern says he can make any woman look more beautiful -- I'm here to say it does the same for men as well. Hats off to Ern!

This run-of-the-mill husband-leaves-home film invokes naps, but has its moments. The "Fat Twins" from Arkansas sing like the Andrews Sisters, but take up more space. Ginger Prince's solo -- The Big Parade -- is fortunately short and unintelligible. Kroger Babb -- the man himself -- makes an appearance as a Hollywood producer. Ern Westmore could have a field day with Krog (a round face). Best part is the introduction at the convention, where the MC announces that Ern Westmore has worked at "Paramount, 20th Century Fox and...Hallmark Films," (Krog's vast cinema empire). Look for Krog's un-subtle pitch for his boozy classic "One Too Many" in Uncle Marty's office. Also, a lady does sit-ups wearing an evening dress.

Krog had success palming off his $1.00 "sex hygiene" manuals during roadshows for "Mom and Dad", but couldn't peddle too many $10.00 make-up kits with this dud. He would never "make-up" his earlier success.

Great Photo!

2008-02-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

Discovered this fantastic photo of Arch Hall Jr. and R. D. Stekler taken (I'm assuming) in 2005.

Go here (and scroll down to about the middle):

http://bmovies.blogspot.com/2007_07_01_archive.html

Suitable for framing!

"Steak" Theory

2008-01-30T10:03:00.000-08:00

On the DVD interview that accompanies "Rat Pfink A Boo Boo", Ray Dennis Stekler claims that it was Arch Hall Sr.'s idea to cast Stekler in the role of "Steak" in "Wild Guitar". Stekler claims he had already cast the role, and that after his discussion with Hall, Stekler let the original "Steak" go.

My theory is that Stekler was "Steak" from the get-go. I am deducing this using these three points:

1. Arch Hall Sr. has passed away, so there is no way to validate Stekler's claim.
2. "Steak" sounds like it could have been Stekler's nickname as a kid. Stekler was probably called "Stek", which eventually morphed into "Steak".
3. Wasn't Stekler the director of the film, or was Hall running the show?

What do you think?

Look for Lang Jr on IMDB.com

2008-01-27T16:29:00.000-08:00

While I wait impatiently for the Lemon Grove kids DVD, I need to direct you to my five reviews on IMDB.com. I thought I had a review out there for "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", but it may have been archived or sent to the Smithsonian or something. There are 157 reviews on SCCTM already, but I think I mine was the only one to deal intelligently with Jamie Farr's performance. So be it. Look for "Lang Jr" or go to "Don't Knock the Twist" (only six comments for DKTT).

Hard to believe there are only 22 comments on Rat Pfink a Boo Boo. One comment on The Lawton Story (The Prince of Peace), made by someone -- desperate like me -- trying to find the DVD of VHS.

New Hero: R. D. Steckler

2008-01-26T07:46:00.000-08:00

O.K., so why hasn't Ray Dennis Steckler been on my radar?

I watched the amazing Rat Pfink a Boo Boo last night and was blown away! Forget the silly costumes and the gorilla, how about using a claw hammer to dial a telephone! The film lasts only sixty minutes but seems twice as long. The "chain guy" stalking Cee Bee could be the dullest ten minutes on film.

Not much more than a tinted black and white home movie, it's hard to believe people may have actually paid to see this at the drive-in.

The DVD contains an interview with the man himself. IMDB states he was born in 1939; here he says he was born in '38. The DVD trailer contains previews of the horrific Lemon Grove Kids (an homage to the Bowery Boys with R.D. in the "Satch" role), which I promoted to the top of my Netflix Queue.

See it now, and nominate R.D. for president!

"Wild Guitar" Really Swings

2008-01-21T06:16:00.000-08:00

Just finished Arch Hall Jr. classic "Wild Guitar" (Netflix, comes with Arch Hall Jr. in "The Choppers"). Pretty bad, but the songs aren't as lousy as you would think. I've heard worse from Elvis (try "Confidence" from "Clambake").

The story: Bud Eagle (Hall) swings into town looking for a gig in the music biz. At a restaurant, he meets Vickie - a dancer -- who just happens to be audtioning for the "Hal Kenton" show that day. Eagle gets a chance to play and becomes an instant sensation. Hall's dad -- Arch Hall Sr. -- plays ruthless talent agent Mike McCauley, who cons Eagle into representing him. McCauley's assistiant, "Steak" (played by the director, Ray Dennis Steckler, billing himself as "Cash Flagg"), is a dick. Eagle encourages three small time hoods to kidnap him and get him out of his contract with McCauley.

Steckler also directed "Rat Pfink a Boo Boo".

Purpose

2008-01-20T18:31:00.000-08:00

OK, folks! I've searched high and low and am trying to find a copy of "The Lawton Story" also known as "The Prince of Peace", DVD or VHS. This was a Kroger Babb (Mom and Dad) film that contained the infamous "Okie Oberammergau", spliced within a corny story of two feuding uncles. "Homely moppet" Ginger Prince eventually reconciles the uncles.

I was inspired to see the film after reading the description in David Friedman's autobiography "A Youth in Babylon". Friedman -- a protege of Babb's -- marks this film as the start of the descent of Babb's career. "Secrets of Beauty" finished it. Babb made a fortune on "sex hygiene" books that his "experts" peddled for a dollar a piece during the intermission of his road-show classic "Mom and Dad". But the $10 make-up kit offered during "Secrets of Beauty" was too much cash for the 1951 crowd. It was also his third film with Ginger Prince.

"Secrets of Beauty" is also known as "Why Men Leave Home", and can be found for about $6.00 at oldies.com, and used copies on Amazon are about $3.50. Here is the oldies.com entry:

http://www.oldies.com/product-view/5141D.html

Also, does anyone know if Friedman ever followed-up with "Kings of Babylon"? Also looking for any more info on Kroger Babb. Have read "Grindhouse", and several Internet articles on Babb -- was wondering if there were any other books documenting his life and career. I'm currently pouring through the references in Wiki. Friedman's book was great, but we need more info on this exploitation icon!

Here is Babb's wiki entry:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kroger_Babb

I'd like to help others, too, who may be looking for that hard-to-find classic. The best sites I've found are:

www.somethingweird.com

www.moviesunlimited.com

For those looking for Tim Carrey's "World's Greatest Sinner" I bought the VHS on a site that I think his son runs. Unbelievable!

I would like to know if there are any other sites that specialize in exploitation.