Nazi Clowns Forced Kids to Laugh

As the notorious legacy of the Nazi party continues to unfold, new evidence has been uncovered that exposes yet another atrocity -- the ruthless treatment of children at the hands of Nazi clowns.

In a new book published posthumously by a former Nazi clown, Henrik VonGaber recounts a chilling tale of humor forced upon the innocent. VonGaber was part of Hitler's Schitzengiggles Korps, or SGK, an elite team of circus clowns assembled for the purpose of providing levity in a wartime environment. "Our goal was to lift the spirits of families and children throughout Germany. When they weren't entertained, we went into action," confesses VonGaber.

According to the author, the SKG would march into town, usually univited, and begin attacking hassidic citizens with a live-action "Punch and Jüden" show. One of their specialties was to have twenty seven clowns file out of a Panzer tank. If the reaction wasn't uproarious laughter, the tank would fire live rounds into the audience. "The camera was on," said VonGaber. "We could not afford to be unfunny."

NASCAR Shocker: "In 2009, we race clockwise"

In an attempt to give the stock car racing circuit a much-needed boost, NASCAR officials stated yesterday that beginning in 2009, the cars will run in a clockwise direction.

Starting with the Budweiser Shoot-out in early February, the cars will begin crossing the finish line from right to left, as opposed to left to right. With the move, NASCAR CEO Brian France stated that, "We will be moving in a bold new direction. Clockwise." France pointed out that the unusual wear on tires would now be evened out, saving racing teams millions in rubber every year.

The move has stunned racing purists who view the change as a stunt. "Jeesus Kee-rist!" hollered fan Lee Harvey Kershaw. "My neck ain't used to moving in that deerection!" The school janitor recently installed a 42-inch plasma HDTV in his double-wide but is now considering returning it. "Or mebbe I just installs it upside down."

Man Wonders: Should I Race Home Like A Madman, or Just Sh*t Myself Now?

Fred Cameron is usually more decisive, but last night's attack of slider-inspired diarrhea pushed him to the brink: Should I risk a ticket by flying through traffic like some NASCAR speed freak, or should I just let loose in my pants?

"I should know better," Cameron admitted later. "I always do this to myself. Most of the time the urge to purge happens at home, but this time I didn't play it safe."

The decision? Let's put it this way: he crapped in his Corolla.

Balloon Animal Zoo Closes

Owners of the Decatur Balloon Animal Zoo posted a "closed" sign on their front door last Thursday. CEO Fred Kinglsey said that the concept never quite caught on, as the projected target of 50,000 annual zoo-goers fell short by 49,989. Kingsley recalls the short history of the project: "My wife and I were in Vegas, watching this magician create these balloon animals: giraffes and such. And he says, 'I bet you never seen animals like this in a zoo!'. Well, my wife thought that that would be a cute idea, to have a balloon animal zoo. So I just decided, what the heck, let's go for it!"

Kingsley, a school janitor for thirty-five years, dumped his life savings into the project. He leased a 2000 square foot store front, built custom-made cages and paid a professional $500 to blow up his first set of zoo animals -- almost two hundred of them. "But after a few weeks," Kinglsey laments ,"the damn things started to wilt. We had to create a new set of animals every month." After eight months of dismal attendance, the Kingsleys couldn't afford the magician anymore, so they left the animals in their limp state. By the end of the year, they just looked like empty balloons with a few knots in them. "What the hell," says Kingsley. "Nobody came anyways."

Ukrainian Homosexuals Chafe at the idea of a Petroleum Shortage

KIEV, UKRAINE -- It was a mass hissy-fit in Kiev's Pink Square this morning, after Moscow announced that oil shipments to Eastern Europe will not resume for several weeks yet. Even though the embargo is impacting hundreds of thousands who depend on heating oil, and millions who can't get access to gasoline for their cars, Baltic boy-toys are now complaining that the lack of petroleum jelly has impacted their love lives as well. Limp-wristed rooskies pranced around Pink Square -- many in high-heels -- to create an awareness that the lack of petroleum jelly is leaving hundreds "bone dry".

Spokesperson Ivan Tukissue who represents the light-in-the-loafer contingent called "Soviet Union", sums it up: "We have trouble because Medved thinks he is big oil cowboy. He knows you can't launch Russian missile in desert." The problem is so severe that Ukrainian dairy farms are working three shifts to produce enough butter to accommodate the shortage.

Graffiti Spelling Improves

In December, Johns Hopkins University completed a comprehensive four year study that demonstrates that toilet stall graffiti writers (aka “those who write on sh*t-house walls”) are improving their spelling skills.

As part of his doctoral thesis, Associate Professor James Bernard has been tracking graffiti on walls in fourteen different restrooms in the Baltimore area. His hypothesis -- that stall squatters are improving their English skills -- seems to be proving correct. Prior studies have blamed poor spelling on complications caused by the simultaneous action of writing and performing a bowel movement, an action known in the academic world as “sh*t ‘n scribe”. But Bernard postulates that, “as part of the gradual rise in high school graduation rates, we expect better graffiti spelling, and we are seeing it in action in the real world.”

Bernard cites the following two examples of past common misspellings that are now being written correctly (bold type shows the words that are now being spelled correctly):
“Here I sit, broken hearted…”
“Words on Epileptic’s Medical Alert Tag: I’m not Break-dancing now.”

Bernard also noted that “the standard four-letter words have been spelled correctly from the beginning. But in the last two years, we have noted improvements when these words are accompanied with donkey or doughnut, particularly in reference to ex-girlfriends, bosses, and “Roger”.

Ray Dennis Steckler is Dead

Ray Dennis Steckler passed away on Wednesday, January 7th in his sleep. He was 70 years old.

Coincidentally, I was recently gifted on Christmas Eve with an autographed copy of "One More Time", Ray's follow-up to "Incredibly Strange Creatures..." (three cheers to Tea Lady a Boo Boo!)

On the back of the DVD case, he had asked that I send him an email with a review of the "2 pix" (also included was Reading Pennsylvania). I was tempted, but felt a little guilty, nagged by my "high-brow" attitude toward his work. I was impressed, however, by the note, and will treasure it always. I haven't viewed the DVD's yet -- he had actually autographed those as well.

To ensure I was getting the latest news on RDS, I had created a Google alert with "Ray Dennis Steckler" as the search criteria. Believe it or not, I set it up on Monday. I about soiled my diaper when I read the search results this morning. Stunned.

This blog didn't review his oeuvre favorably, but after taking in a few hours worth of Steckler interviews, I can say with honesty that Ray took his career and his films seriously, and seemed to be pretty good guy.

Cash, we are expecting footage of your final trip soon, with Saint Peter wearing a bedsheet from Wal Mart, being chased through the Pearly Gates by Torgo. Although your budgets you small, you were anything but an "amatuer" (spelling taken from end sequence of a The Lemon Grove Kids short).

2008 CAHTF Year In Review

Everyone else seems to be doing it, might as well throw my two cents in.

2008 Headlines:

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick gets jail time for perjury. Even though he’s out of office, Ben n’ Jerry names an ice cream flavor after him: Great Big A**hole.

Automobile companies ask for bail-out, but get two-hour Air Supply concert instead.

Economy goes down the sh*thole after Bernanke says he “forgot to carry the one.”

John McCain and Sarah Palin not only lose the election, but are also kicked off “Dancing with the Stars”.

Man can recite plots of 96% of Seinfeld re-runs.

Russians invade Georgia, then leave after big keg party.

People Who Did Not Die in 2008

Nancy Reagan: The ripest of the grim reaper’s crop, Nancy managed to hang on for another year after being mistaken for a medical school cadaver.

Carole Burnett: Burnett’s 2008 plastic surgery makes her look like Wayne Newton.

Dustin Diamond: TV’s “Screech” made some desperate attempts to get back in the limelight. Despite being given sage advice to commit suicide, Diamond made a porn movie instead.

Carol Channing: When will we say, “Goodbye, Dolly?”

Keith Richards: This Rolling Stone seems to be gathering moss, black mold, and other forms of bacteria. Fortunately, the high level of formaldehyde in his bloodstream keeps him from bursting into spontaneous rigor mortis.