Man Claims His Ponzi Scheme Will Really Work

Despite recent bad press regarding phony hedge funds and fake real estate scams, Mike Churnley says his Islands Investment Fund is the "real ponzi scheme deal."

"Ponzi schemes have been under attack lately because of negative news articles about Bernie Madoff and other crooks," state Churnley. "But my ponzi scheme is purely above board and openly illegal."

Churnley based his operation loosely on the Amway business model, where people can make more money by integrating friends and relatives into the scam than by selling real estate. "I've got over 300 people in the organization, each investing $5,000 to get in on the action, and I haven't sold a doghouse!" Churnley encourages his "associates" to recruit new investors -- each new investor results in a $500 commission for the associate. The rest of the dough is rolled up to Churnley. "I've made a ton of easy money, and you can too!" he brags.

"This is real gravy compared to the sh*tty old fashioned way of making money -- by working for it," Churnley chuckles. "Just keep your g*ddam traps shut before somebody rats on us!"

Sales Hit by Errant Pie

It was no laughing matter when ailing comedian Soupy Sales was recently hit in the face by a pie. The custard cream special was thrust into the air when a waitress tripped on a rug at Del’s Restaurant in Tampa. The pie landed square on Soupy’s kisser, clogging his nostrils, and sending the octogenarian into a seizure. Nearby patrons laughed heartily at the antics, oblivious to his struggle for life. Paramedics arrived shortly on the scene and found Sales in near comatose state. They rushed Soupy into critical at the hospital where he remained on life support for two days.

Close relatives who were asked whether to continue mechanical support of the comedian’s life were spared a decision when Soupy began breathing on his own late last week. “Please don’t tell Uncle Soupy I said it was OK to pull the plug,” said fifty-four year-old nephew Warren Hines.

Republican Stimulus Package Will Save $900 billion

A counter stimulus package proposed by House republicans would result in a savings of $900 Billion dollars, according to sources. The package -- called "G*ddam it, get out there and Spend" -- features a half dozen public service announcements that will be run during prime time television. The spots will un-subtly suggest that consumers "get off their *ss and buy something!"

Representative Marv Wankler (R-Tennessee) pointed out that the current Obama plan requires further government spending at a time when budget woes are already threatening the viability of the U.S. Economy. "We give people a thousand bucks and we think they'll go and spend it. These days, people are more likely to tuck it into their mattress until things get rosy. So what's the point?"

The public service spots cost less than a million to make and the message is loud and clear. "Spend some loot or I'll come and eat your children!" threatens one of the ads. Focus group studies have shown that people are more willing to open up their pocket books when their lives are threatened.

Wankler says House republicans will present the plan early at the next session. "When someone threatens to blow your face off with a double-barrel shotgun, that's stimulus!" says Wankler.

Kiddie Kasino WIll Augment Greektown Revenues

Teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, the executive team at Greektown Casino has come up with a guaranteed moneymaker to bring in much needed revenue. Beginning this weekend, Greektown will open its "Kiddie Kasino," a 4,000 square foot facility that will cater to the elementary school crowd. The kids pile into the car with their parents and their allowance and drive downtown to the action. While Mom and Dad are gambling their mortgage away at the Hold 'em table, sis and little brother will be dumping their coin in the Fisher Price one-armed bandits designed especially for them. While gambling, the tots can sip free kool-aid and munch on cookies while watching SpongeBob on a 72" Plasma HDTV screen. Even the little ones are welcome, with a special "craps" table to help with toilet training.

Although the idea has come under some criticism, the Casino is quick to point out the math advantage these kiddie kardsharps gain. According to Pit Manager Bill Yardley, most of these high-chair high rollers can count to 21 before they reach kindergarten.

On opening weekend, Greektown will be passing out free bumper stickers that say, "I've been a good kid this week, so HIT ME!"