Fantastic Voyage Crew Stuck in Man’s Anus

The National Inner Human Space Agency (NIHSA) reported today that the crew of Fantastic Voyage spaceship Uranus XIII was lodged precariously in a patient’s anus. Rescue teams have been miniaturized and are currently sailing to the scene. The emergency teams have less than 24 hours to save the crew before the marooned spaceship grows to normal size, potentially enlarging the patient’s anus to a size “not yet seen in any federal prison,” according to Dr. Lionel Bentley, head of the mission.

The problem started when the crew had to be diverted from the normal location of disembarkation -- the tear duct -- because of the patient’s sinus condition. When Dr. Bentley notified Uranus XIII Captain Frank Wilson that the spaceship would have to disembark through the intestines, rectum and anus, the captain replied, “Are you shittin’ me?”

Dr. Bentley said, “Yes.”

The identity of the patient – rumored to be a famous celebrity -- is concealed from the public as required by federal HIPAA laws regarding patient privacy, although a slip-up by Dr. Bentley provided a clue to the patient’s identity. After reporting the case, the doctor reported that the spaceship, now currently the size of a pickle, should be causing the patient some discomfort. Dr, Bentley then stated that, “Mr. Aiken actually seems to be enjoying it.”

Captain Wilson reported that he didn’t think the crew of the spaceship were the first to visit the area. “Apparently, there have been people here before. From my guess, many people.”

Link's Early Retirement Over

Not only is the depressed economy impacting business and consumer spending, now the branches of the U.S. Military and the CIA are seeing their budgets slashed in response to dramatic reductions in defense spending. The cuts have gone so deep that virtually all CIA ground operations have been terminated, including operations in political hotbeds all over the Mideast. Over the past two months, the number of agents deployed in Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan has shrunk from over three hundred to less than twenty, leaving only the minimal number of agents required to enforce treaties.

To stay in the spy game, the CIA has been forced to be creative in recruiting top talent. Last week, the CIA coerced former star agent Lancelot Link back into service. The sixty-three year old chimp, already setting world records for longevity, agreed to patrol unstable Afghanistan and assist where he can.

“I owe a lot to this country,” Lance appeared to say, although his lips were obviously being manipulated by a banana being held out of camera range. As a bonus, the CIA gets a two-for-one deal, as long time helpmate Mata Hairy was thrown in with the deal.

“Hey, Lance! These overzealous Muslim extremists are crazier than a barrel full of monkeys!” chuckled Mata.

Although the CIA could not state exactly how the pair of primates would be dispatched, rumors in Washington have the two involved in the extermination of Bin Laden. Since 9/11, the elusive Al Qaeda leader has avoided justice by hiding out in several of the thousands of caves that lie in the rocky hills of western Afghanistan. The area is ideal for monkey infiltration, although one famous ape casualty has already been reported. Clyde – of “Every Which Way But Loose” fame -- bought the farm when the “gun” pointing at him was a loaded 45 magnum pistol, and not some hillbilly’s index finger.

It's Official: Mustard Bottle Funnier Than Dick Van Dyke

After an intensive three-month study, scientists at the University of Maryland concluded that an empty mustard bottle was marginally funnier than Dick Van Dyke. Researchers at the university confirmed that the mustard bottle performed slightly better than the Fitzwilly star in five out of the seven comprehensive tests. Of the two remaining tests, one was a tie, and the other– who could act more like a funny drunk – went to Van Dyke.

Dr. Richard Lesnar who led the study said that Van Dyke’s role as “Bert” in Mary Poppins caused irreparable damage. “Van Dyke’s affected cockney accent sent an embarrassing shiver down our collective spines. At that point, it was all mustard bottle.”

Guttenberg Hasn’t Left ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Set Yet.

“It’s OK,” Steve “the Goot” Guttenberg told the “Dancing with the Stars” audience after getting the hook in October 2007. “I’ve made so many good friends, I really hate to leave.”

And he wasn’t kidding. The Goot has been sleeping in vacated dressing rooms and munching on rehearsal buffets at ABC studios for the last fourteen months. Last Friday the producers took action and called in security guards to physically remove him from the premises.

Guttenberg, who starred in such pictures as Police Academy, Police Academy 2, Police Academy 3, and Police Academy 4 was elated to be asked on the show in 2007. However, by the fourth week, he was voted off.

Prior to receiving an invitation to compete on the show, the Goot was fighting a year-long battle with depression, realizing that neither Single Santa Meets Mrs. Claus (2004) or Meet the Santas (2005) -- he played the role of “Nick” in both films – would have the holiday impact of “The Grinch” or “A Christmas Carol”. So after joining “Dancing”, the Goot immersed himself into learning the Tango and Paso Doblé moves that could launch a potential second career in the world of dance. Unfortunately, an abject lack of talent led to an early exit on the program.

However, the Goot expressed no sorrow in losing; in fact, his demeanor remained so rosy that the judges apologized for their negative, but fully justified, criticism.

“E’s a great bloke!” said Len Goodman, one of the judges. “Bit of a shame ‘e couldn’t cut the bangers and mash, eh Guvner?”

But the Goot is not washed up, like everybody thinks. He has come to terms with his Santa trauma, and has even volunteered to star as Nick again, if anyone wants to make another Christmas special.

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Rob Gulley's "The Cemetery Precincts" Debuts in Royal Oak

SHOCKING!

FRIGHTENING!

BONE-CHILLING!

Yes, these are words used to describe former Match Game 74 "celebrity" Marcia Wallace.

However, if you've got the nerve for something ALMOST as horrific, I urge you to double park your hearse in front of the Main Theater in Royal Oak this Tuesday (11/11) to witness the ZOMBIE show, sponsored by the Mitten Movie project. This post-Halloween collection of over 13 local shockshorts is guaranteed to soil your diaper!

Rob Gulley, who directed arguably the best episode of the local cult sci-fi hit "InZero" teams up with Michael Einheiser to bring you the first politico / zombie horror picture ever made: The Cemetery Precincts. Find out what happens when a couple of political dirty-tricksters try to exploit the real "silent majority" for their nefarious deeds.

For further info on this fright night, click here:
http://www.absolutemichigan.com/dig/michigan/spotlight-the-mitten-movie-project-presents-zombie-night-a-night-of-independent-zombie-films/

LangFilms is currently working with the Gulley / Einheiser team to bring the Gene Rayburn Branch Chipper story to the scream screen (see below). So keep this BLOGSPOT BOOKMARKED!

LangFilms Publishes New Bush Autobiography

NOVEMBER 2008 -- The multimedia conglomerate LangFilms will publish President George W. Bush's autobiography entitled "Things Like God and Such of Which I am Thankful For".

According to sources near Bush, the President was envious of the books President-elect Obama had authored, and decided he could whip one up just as good, if not better. "Mine will have much bigger letters for easier reading," boasted Bush.

The twenty-nine page work recounts Bush's childhood, his college days, his three days in the Air Force National Guard, his family life, and his utterly failed presidency.

You may not know that Bush, a deeply religious man, wrote several personal prayers, many of which are sprinkled throughout the book. Here is a sample:

"Every night I pray to you, hoping that you hear me, too. If you're not too busy and have some time, howzabout a miracle, that would be fine."

Bush hopes that nuggets like these inspire people to greater things. In fact, Bush is donating all proceeds from the book to the U. S. Treasury. At $10 a pop, he expects to sell over 70 billion, which would get us out of our current financial crisis.

On his website, the President hints that these books would make great Xmas stocking stuffers. Most agree that this book should be stuffed.

Weekend At Rayburn's

Lang Jeffries Jr., noted scenarist and CEO of entertainment empire LangFilms announced today that he has completed his latest script entitled “Lemon Grove Kids Screw Around With a Branch Chipping Machine”. The short will begin production late November.

In this hilarious installment, Gene Rayburn plays Bernie McGuffin, a local candy shop owner who dies of a heart attack in his store. The twist here is that Rayburn is really dead (1999). The kids drag the Match Game corpse all around Los Angeles and place him in all sorts of crazy, outrageous situations (restaurant, hardware store, etc.). Gene accidentally ends up being shredded to pieces in a branch chipping machine when the boys forget to remove him from the front lawn.

It’s a laff riot from start to finish! Ray Dennis Steckler has been signed to star as “Old Gopher”. A special song called “Pieces of Gene” has been written especially for this Oscar-worthy picture.

Gene Facts:
Name Change: Gene Rayburn’s real name is Eugene Rubessa; his father was an immigrant from Croatia

Paging Gene! Gene was one of the first NBC TV Studio pages (as was Dave Garroway!)

Pre-Rock Era: Gene was the original announcer on the Tonight Show (with Steve Allen)

Got a light? The first version of Match Game debuted in 1962 and ran until 1969

De Plane, De Boat! Gene starred in one episode of Fantasy Island and three episodes of The Love Boat.

Let’s Get Hitched: Gene was married for 56 years. His wife died in 1992

Kids Prefer Santa over Jesus Ten to One

Parents, keep those receipts! You may be surprised about what the kids want in their Christmas socks this year.

As the 2009 Holiday season approaches, retailers need to know whether they should stock more religious products or toys. June Fredley, Senior Vice President of Purchasing at Target stores states, "With the belt-tightening going on, we don't have the luxury of being wrong this year."

A recent Harris poll shows that kids prefer Santa to Jesus by a stunning 10 to one margin. Most kids aged five to twelve aren't even sure who Jesus is; 23% per cent of the respondents thought Jesus Christ was cable TV's Dog Whisperer.

In practical terms, the research means retailers will replace their shelves of crucifixes and bibles with video games and Spongebob Squarepants merchandise. "It's a shame, really," said Kmart Toy Department Manager Sid Beltman. "We thought the manger scenes were going to sell like hotcakes this year."

Experts explain that the recent trend from religious products to secular goods is due to several factors:

• Religious shows on TV have been replaced with secular programs like CSI, America's Next Top Model, and Deal or No Deal


• Parents prefer go to shopping malls instead of church during the holiday season


• Scientific evidence shows that Christmas should take place in May instead of late December

"I think when a kid prefers a Bratz doll to a ceramic statue of the Virgin Mary, we have to ask ourselves if the spirit of Christmas has taken the wrong direction," lamented Father John Renzi of Saint James Church in Pittsburgh.