Shocking NBC Study Exposed! The Truth Behind the Leno Departure!

"A Slap in the face of every corpse in America!"

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Crummyandhardtofind has uncovered shocking evidence behind next summer’s sacking of Tonight Show host Jay Leno. According to a confidential study obtained by CAHTF, NBC is dumping the lantern-jawed host because demographics show his viewership is dying off at an alarming rate. The network predicts that by March 2009, only 1,840 Leno fans are expected to be alive, and by the July transition, only 57 senior stragglers will still be drawing breath.

Leno was Johnny Carson’s hand-picked successor for the popular Tonight Show when Carson retired in 1992. It was a controversial choice, as Carson bypassed the funnier, edgier Dave Letterman, who would have brought with him a younger demographic. According to the study, the few people who found Leno funny in 1992 were already in their seventies and most didn’t get Letterman’s jokes.

But NBC seems to be neglecting Leno’s potential larger audience – dead people. Former Love Boat star Bernie Kopell is the spokesman for Silent Majority, a Political Action Group based in Washington, D.C. which champions the rights of dead people. (Kopell was selected because of his death-like appearance).

“It’s all about the money,” stated Kopell. “The big networks are unashamedly pandering to living viewers in response to recent consumer studies that show that living viewers outspend their dead counterparts by a ratio of 100 to 0. If you ask me, this is a slap in the face to every corpse in America.”

NBC Vice-president of Programming Bill Fredly responded to the accusation. “Dead people still have The Price is Right and Jimmy Kimmel. As such, we don’t feel we need to compete for that market at this time.”

Silent Majority is considering litigation against NBC to test recent legislation that prohibits discrimination against the dead.

CAHTF will stay on top of this burning controversy and bring you the latest news at it happens.

Lang Accepts Honor

HOLLYWOOD (AP) -- If you're driving through Tinseltown, looking for Hollywood and Vine, then reload your GPS -- you won't find it. To honor the world famous scenarist, the Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, has decreed that "henceforth from this day forward, we are changing Vine Street to Lang Jeffries Jr. Avenue."

According to Grant, the honor recognizes Lang's contribution to the motion picture industry. "His legacy, particularly the Lemon Grove Kids's scripts, will live on in perpetuity," said Grant at a press conference today.

After the announcement, several Japanese tourists took photos of the newly minted street sign. "Langee Junior big genius boss!" exclaimed one of the happy orientals.

After the parade, a humble Lang Jr. thanked the Mayor and the several thousand that came to cheer. "It's quite a thrill," stated Lang, who had earlier that month recommended that they change the city name from Jeffrieswood back to Hollywood.

Steak -- Rare!

How many times has Ray Dennis Steckler lost a leading man? We learned in "Wild Guitar" that the actor signed to play tough guy "Steak" walked out at the last minute; Steckler had to step in. Now we find out in Steckler's 1969 abomination "Body Fever", that again his leading man walked off the set. Fortunately, Steckler was there again to save the day. Was it coincidence that the lead character, Private Eye Charlie Smith, made love to three separate women in the film (including wife Carolyn Brandt?)

"Body Fever" -- which for some reason is titled "Super Cool" in the film -- is, like the recent "No Country for Old Men", a story about a drug deal gone wrong. The lead baddie is named "Big Mack" (Steckler apparently was eating at McDonalds while writing the script). Like Coleman Francis's "Red Zone Cuba", the film is pretty much a mess, but about two thirds of the way through, Steckler voices over an explanation of what's been going on (Coleman, incidentally, plays "Coley", Smith's friend, who used to own a laundromat. The business is closed and the washers and dryers are gone, but Coley, nostalgic for clean underwear and the smell of bleach, can't seem to leave the place).

There's much to send an embarrassing chill down your spine. At one point, Steckler/Smith walks past a movie theater with pictures of Humphrey Bogart on display. Charlie Smith asks himself, "What would Bogie do?" Well, first, Bogie would file suit against Stecker for un-authorized use of his image.

I rented the film from Netflix because it contained the rare Steckler's short entitled "Goof on the Loose" (not to be confused with the Three Stooges's short "Goofs on the Loose"). This is an eight minute film made by Steckler in 1964, dedicated to the silent film comedians of yesteryear. The short starts out with "goof" (Bert Van Leu) looking over the fence of "Mrs. Bait's [sic] Home for the Fruity". It's supposed to be a take-off on "Psycho", but "Psycho" was funnier. The film then becomes an idiotic home-movie with all the Steckler Lemon Grove regulars making an appearance, including Carolyn Brandt. (Based on Stecker's commentary, the "Cee Bee" in her Cee Bee Beaumont character stands for Brandt's initials).

In other news, the seventy year-old Steckler has completed an "extension" to his 1964 Classic "Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living". According to his website, Stecker "has made this movie for his fans, friends and family. Steckler never wanted to make a sequal [sic] to "Incredibly Strange Creatures"...would Orsen [sic] Wells [sic] want to make a sequal [sic] to "Citizen Kane"?”Of course not!!! Originals should be left alone. This movie is just an extension of Steckler's life and work 45 years later." Whatever.

Contest Winner!!!

OK, folks -- Manos won "Hands-down" in our crummyandhardtofind T-shirt contest. Unfortunately, the only suggestion I received was for a New Year's Hat. I also received a comment from "Sackmouth", but apparently he was only making "comments". (Oh, Ya!)

But for those who have collected enough Kroger Bux, now is the time to cash them in! This beautiful shirt featuring everyone's favorite Satyr "Torgo" is available to the first blogger who has collected 5,000 Kroger Bux.

The shirt is made of 100% cotton with the crummyandhardtofind URL prominently displayed. Makes a great Christmas gift!

HOMICIDAL on TCM this month

Gimmick-meister William Castle produced and directed the Psycho rip-off Homicidal in 1961. In this picture, Castle inserted a 45-second "fright break" prior to the climactic scene in the picture. For those who couldn't stand the shock, yellow arrows were painted on the theater floor showing wimpy patrons the way to the "coward's corner" where they could get a refund.

The film is actually not bad, and the tension does mount prior to the "fright break". However, Castle missed the real opportunity; had he combined his efforts with the producers of the previously posted picture (see below), he would have created "Everything's Homicidal", the first film about a deranged duck named Scuttlebutt who murders people that make fun of his quack.

Everything's Fowl

I was lucky(?) to get home last night to catch the 1961 ham-a-thon Everything’s Ducky. This low-budget comedy features Buddy Hackett and Mickey Rooney as sailors who befriend a talking duck named “Scuttlebutt”. The duck has memorized the formula for a special rocket fuel, and the Navy brass want to extract it from Scuttlebutt’s brain.

Predictably, Hackett and Rooney do their best to save the duck. They hide from their superior officers, lie to them, and fool them; but instead of waterboarding the two tars, their commanders allow them to wander around the base, at one point even recruiting their secretary to “spy” on the pair.

There are funny parts: when Hackett and Rooney try to teach the duck to swim, someone is obviously pulling the duck’s head in the water with a string. But mostly there are unfunny parts. Particularly dull is when the boys try to teach Scuttlebutt to quack.

Richard Deacon (Lumpy’s dad) finally decodes the formula, saving Scuttlebutt’s life, but too late -- the duck has been selected as a test animal for a space mission. Still intent on saving the bird, Hackett and Rooney slip past NASA security (please don’t show the Al-Qaeda how this is done!) and end up in the space capsule with Scuttlebutt. The movie abruptly ends as Rooney, Hackett and Scuttlebutt float around weightless. They apparently survive, as they team up two years later in Mad Mad World (except for Scuttlebutt).

Contest and Book Review

Well, folks -- the contest is going along SWIMMINGLY although we have yet to receive any comments or recommendations about other lines that would fit this site. Voting is strong; the only featured line from "Manos" is leading the voting right now.

BOOK REVIEW: For those who can't get enough Ed Wood, I recommend Ed's sin city primer "Hollywood Rat Race". Written circa 1965, this is a slim volume of advice for those who are considering moving to Hollywood to make it big as a movie star. To save you the reading, Ed's advice is: Don't.

I had my suspicions about whether or not Wood had actually written the book. It was published in 1998, four years after the release of the Tim Burton movie -- the "peak" of the Wood resurgence. There is a line in the book that predicts the moon landing "in a few years" (maybe Criswell helped). And there are several odd references to Angora sweaters, which seems to be overdoing it a bit.

But the book is goofy in the right places: Regardless of the subject of the chapter, Wood will interject some story of one of his actor pals that may or may not be relevant. In the chapter called "Hate" (the theme of the chapter is about those snobby "stage" actors who "condescend" to play in pictures) Wood describes a public appearance of Bela Lugosi that he managed late in the actor's career. In the chapter called "How to live without Money in Hollywood", we hear the story of "famous" actor Tom Keene who supplemented his acting earnings by running an insurance agency. Playing roles like Colonel Tom Edwards in "Plan 9", I am not surprised he needed to moonlight.

Wood is also not afraid to plug his work (who can forget "Final Curtain?"), and he refers to himself several times as a "writer". Well, writer he is -- quality aside. If you would like a glance inside Wood's mind, I'll be happy to lend you the book.

Crummyandhardtofind T-Shirt Contest!

Here’s your chance to WIN BIG in the first annual crummyandhardtofind T-shirt contest!

I am soliciting your input in selecting a theme for the first crummyandhardtofind T-shirt, and would like you to vote for the line that best fits this website!

If you don’t like any of these great lines, submit one of your own!!! Every entry is worth 100 Kroger Bux, and the GRAND PRIZE is…well, it’s a secret!!!

Celebrity Lang Jeffries Jr. will select the winner on FRIDAY JULY 11, and will post the winning entry on this site!

For those of you who are creative, Lang Jr. would also like to see YOUR ideas for a crummyandhardtofind logo for the T-Shirt. All artistic submissions will be posted as part of this exciting contest!!!