READ ALL ABOUT IT! EXPLOITATION BLOG MORPHS INTO "THE NATIONAL SPATULA"

THIS MESSAGE IS OF VITAL IMPORTANCE TO VIEWERS OF THIS SITE!

MARCH 23, 2009

Lang Jeffries Jr., CEO of vast entertainment empire Langfilms, announced today that news updates from this day forward would be posted in the sensational Internet newspaper:

THE NATIONAL SPATULA

The National Spatula, called "the hottest online newspaper on the Internet" by Langfilms Reviews was launched as a "no-expense spared" effort by the vast Langfilms empire. CEO Lang Jeffries Jr. told reporters that millions had been spent for the deployment. In a statement made only hours ago, Jeffries told the media:

"What the hell are you waiting for? SET YOUR BOOK MARKS TO THE NATIONAL SPATULA! NOW!

Obscure College Makes NCAA Playoffs

After ninety-three years of obscurity, proud alumni of little known Play-In-Winner College are thrilled that their basketball team is bringing much-needed exposure to the school. The Fightin’ Obscurians won the Hilltop Basketball League championship last Sunday, beating the Dick York School of Optometry 36 to 18, in a game fans called “a bit more exciting than breakfast”.

Last year, Play-In-Winner College raised almost enough cash to buy matching uniforms, but the players, most of whom hale from college home town Oatmeal, Nebraska, decided to blow the funds on an Air Supply concert in Omaha. 5’ 10” center Marvin Mooch called the show the most important event of his life, but that was before the championship. “I wasn’t sure anything could beat hearing ‘Lost in Love’ in concert. But this is way better!” said Mooch.

Play-In-Winner College has been hampered by its remoteness until the recent NCAA berth. Dean Robert Bradenton stated that applications to the school have increased “to over 19”.
Although few people have heard of Play-In-Winner College, the school has produced many famous alumni, including George Lindsay (Goober from ‘The Andy Griffith Show’), noted blogger and Langfilms CEO Lang Jeffries Jr., and Carl Wentslap who owns a used car dealership in Florida.

Although most experts predict that the Fightin’ Obscurians will be out of the game before tip-off, the player’s excitement can’t be contained. “I’m wearing a diaper, just in case,” admits point guard Milton Shenk.

Help the Homeless Help Themselves: Maximize Your Begging Revenue

In his new book, “The Prosperous Panhandler”, author Johnny “Hobo” Harris guarantees a 20 to 30% increase in begging revenue just by employing a few simple techniques. A professional bum for over twenty years, Harris offers straightforward advice on how to maximize panhandling profits. “I average over three dollars and five cigarettes more per day than the average tramp,” boasts Harris. Below is a short summary of his system.
Fake Blindness: Using his “Slumdog” technique, the average derelict can squint his way to extra cash. “A sightless beggar usually makes twice the income,” advises Harris. “But keep an eye out for other tramps – they’ll steal you blind.”
Drool: A constantly flowing river of saliva maximizes “pathetic potential” and will keep business brisk. Too dry? You can purchase (at a discount) Harris’s “Drool Tool” to keep the juices flowing.
Signage: “The message needs to be short and to the point,” says Harris. “'Help Homeless, God Bless' works well.” But don’t forget, misspell as many words as possible. “You don’t want your customers thinking you’re educated.”
Street Corner Selection: “Location, location, location!” says Harris. Picking the right street corner is critical. And forget the urine puddle -- your customers can’t see it driving by at 30 mph. “Make it easy for them to toss things at you. Wave a bucket if you have access to one,” Harris states. “But make sure you haven’t sh*t in it recently.”

Heaven Insurance Now Available

Think you've screwed your chance to get to Heaven? Think again, says agent Bill Hawthorne of Old Mutual Insurance Company. "Our policy guarantees your admittance to the the Garden of Eden, no questions asked," claims Bill.

Old Mutual has worked out a deal through the Vatican that ensures your passageway through the pearly gates regardless of the number or gravity of your transgressions. Of course, those at greater risk -- murderers, rapists, and other felons-- will pay significantly higher premiums.

A typical family of four will pay roughly $360 a month. "It seemed a bit high, initially. But when you think you've secured a final resting place in the hereafter with the Lord Almighty, it's really quite a bargain," says new customer Dawn Harris.

The monthly premium covers sins like basic lying and tax cheating. An additional $10 monthly rider will take care of shoplifting, extra-marital affairs, and insurance fraud (unless perpetrated against Old Mutual, which ensures full policy eradication along with a one way ticket to Hell).

"Of course, if Armageddon should happen over the next year or two, we're screwed," said Mrs. Harris. "But I think it's worth taking that chance."