Help the Homeless Help Themselves: Maximize Your Begging Revenue

In his new book, “The Prosperous Panhandler”, author Johnny “Hobo” Harris guarantees a 20 to 30% increase in begging revenue just by employing a few simple techniques. A professional bum for over twenty years, Harris offers straightforward advice on how to maximize panhandling profits. “I average over three dollars and five cigarettes more per day than the average tramp,” boasts Harris. Below is a short summary of his system.
Fake Blindness: Using his “Slumdog” technique, the average derelict can squint his way to extra cash. “A sightless beggar usually makes twice the income,” advises Harris. “But keep an eye out for other tramps – they’ll steal you blind.”
Drool: A constantly flowing river of saliva maximizes “pathetic potential” and will keep business brisk. Too dry? You can purchase (at a discount) Harris’s “Drool Tool” to keep the juices flowing.
Signage: “The message needs to be short and to the point,” says Harris. “'Help Homeless, God Bless' works well.” But don’t forget, misspell as many words as possible. “You don’t want your customers thinking you’re educated.”
Street Corner Selection: “Location, location, location!” says Harris. Picking the right street corner is critical. And forget the urine puddle -- your customers can’t see it driving by at 30 mph. “Make it easy for them to toss things at you. Wave a bucket if you have access to one,” Harris states. “But make sure you haven’t sh*t in it recently.”