Think you've screwed your chance to get to Heaven? Think again, says agent Bill Hawthorne of Old Mutual Insurance Company. "Our policy guarantees your admittance to the the Garden of Eden, no questions asked," claims Bill.
Old Mutual has worked out a deal through the Vatican that ensures your passageway through the pearly gates regardless of the number or gravity of your transgressions. Of course, those at greater risk -- murderers, rapists, and other felons-- will pay significantly higher premiums.
A typical family of four will pay roughly $360 a month. "It seemed a bit high, initially. But when you think you've secured a final resting place in the hereafter with the Lord Almighty, it's really quite a bargain," says new customer Dawn Harris.
The monthly premium covers sins like basic lying and tax cheating. An additional $10 monthly rider will take care of shoplifting, extra-marital affairs, and insurance fraud (unless perpetrated against Old Mutual, which ensures full policy eradication along with a one way ticket to Hell).
"Of course, if Armageddon should happen over the next year or two, we're screwed," said Mrs. Harris. "But I think it's worth taking that chance."
2 comments:
Lang,
Welcome back! When the tea blog has more updates than CAHTF, we worry.
Anyway, thanks for bringing this fine service to our attention. I'm saving up, but I blew my last paycheck on the exciting new bump-it. Some say it's a waste of money, but how can you put a price tag on the illusion of thick hair achieved by an 8" inch bouffant?
LC
LC,
Thanks -- I didn't recognize you at first -- you are indeed hairy as a caveman now, so your investment paid off. I'm still using that spray paint stuff that washes down your back after a light rain.
Yes, Lang is back after a mini-hiatus, working on a few small projects. I am now again focused on bringing the truths to the masses.
Lang Jr.
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