Israeli Commander Claims: "I Was Just Getting My Ball"

Israeli raids that have left hundreds dead in the Gaza Strip seem to have stemmed from a small misunderstanding. Israeli Colonel Yahim Broda explained to the press this morning that the incessant tank shelling and torpedo attacks were ordered simply to get his ball back.

"I threw my ball over the fence," explained Broda. "I'm just trying to get it back."

Palestian Hammas leader Yemas Chadury called the action "a little overzealous". "If he had called," Chadury stated, "we would have just kicked it back."

"Too late now, I guess," sighed Colonel Broda.

What’s a seven-letter word that means ‘Big Jerk’? It starts with ‘A’ and ends with ‘h-o-l-e’?

My wife is filling out a crossword puzzle and just asked for my help. “What’s a seven-letter word that means ‘Big Jerk’? It starts with ‘A’ and ends with ‘h-o-l-e’”, she said. She said if anyone knows, I should know. Well, I don’t know, so I’m asking for help.

Last week she asked for a four-letter word that means ‘complete raving dipsh*t’. It starts with a ‘G’ and ends in ‘a-r-y’. The only word I could think of was Gary, which is my name. But I couldn’t think of any other words. Maybe someone could help me with that one as well.

Existence of Regis Philbin Casts Intelligent Design Theory in Doubt

Hundreds of religious leaders from around the globe are converging in Geneva this week to address recent attacks on the Intelligent Design (ID) theory, fueled by new evidence of the existence of Regis Philbin. The jolting discovery could jeopardize the popular ID movement. The ID theory has gained momentum in recent years as the counter-argument to the generally accepted Theory of Evolution. Religious leaders supporting Intelligent Design claim that the creation and order of all things could not have happened by accident; some “intelligent” or “divine” being had purposefully designed the universe and its inhabitants.


But in a recent Scientific American article, Dr. Ronald Derek of Johns Hopkins University debunks the theory by proving the existence of talk show host Philbin. “The religious community cannot deny the existence of Regis Philbin.”


Reverend D. Thomas Fitzgerald, considered an expert in ID theory, agreed that the Philbin argument was difficult to resolve. “It certainly shoots down the whole ‘intelligent’ part of the theory,” admitted Fitzgerald. “We’ll need to come up with a new line of bullsh*t.”


But not all religious leaders are giving up so easily. Monsignor Edward Cotton of St. James Parish in Joplin, Missouri claims that the Philbin discovery actually invalidates the Theory of Evolution. “Archeologists are obsessed about finding the famous missing link; the cornerstone of the Theory of Evolution. Well, gentlemen, here he is, and it’s 2008. Explain that,” counters Monsignor Cotton.

My Rotten Boss Gives Me Too Much Work and Keeps Me from Blogging

My boss Stan sure has his nerve. Right when I’m hitting my stride, providing my loyal and intelligent readers with the most up-to-date, hard-hitting news reporting on the web, Stan starts dumping the work on my plate. Do this, do that. What the hell, Stan – am I your g*ddam slave? Stan has loaded so much work on my shoulders that I feel like Dominic the Christmas donkey. I’m so piled up, that my two hour lunch is down to a mere ninety minutes -- I practically have to gulp the third martini down. If I choke on an olive, Stan, it’s your fault! And if that’s not bad enough, the jerk has left me no time for blogging.

Apparently he has no desire to improve the general literacy of the nation. If Stan ruled the world, he would keep us all in darkness. The dumbbell thinks it’s more important for me to inventory the tool crib for nth time versus saving soldiers by forwarding critical chain-emails to seven of my friends. His priorities are all screwed up.

Well now I’m fighting back. This morning I hid in the john (stall 3) for over two hours. Sure my buns were aching, but it’s worth it because I’m teaching Stan a lesson. I didn’t see him this morning anyways; the taskmaster is probably in slave training school.

So Stan, if you’re out there listening, take this blog entry and shove it!

I guess I told him.

PLINKO Saves Auto Industry

Like a cliche in a courtroom drama, Victor Payton, Director of Purchasing at the Chevrolet division of General Motors, burst into the congressional chamber waving a folder in his upraised fist. "F*ck the loan," shouted Payton, "we just integrated Plinko into our supply chain!" Most of the observers stood and cheered, a few looked stunned, and one guy sh*t his pants. For years, the domestic automakers have been searching for the silver bullet that would make them competitive with foreign companies who don't have to deal with health care, unions, safety and environmental regulations, and protective trade laws. Although exact details are sketchy, most analysts feel that having Plinko integrated into the business model will make the domestics competitive once again. Plinko was first introduced on the Price is Right TV game show and has since gained wordlwide fame. Congressional leaders were invited to "try their luck" (although no cars were awarded during the program). First, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) dropped the plinko puck and scored 250. Then Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), a staunch opponent to the bailout package, was given a plinko puck and scored 1000. "This is great! I stand corrected -- I didn't realize how big an *sshole I was." McConnell wrote a check to GM on the spot for a whopping $15 billion dollars. "Who's next?" asked the smiling senator, checkbook in hand.