Free Beer, Free Alcohol

Lang Jr. Here -- I'm intrigued by the way Google AdSense scours my blog for keywords which in turn trigger related ads to appear on the blog. When I wrote about Tea Cozies, I got Tea ads, when I wrote about Jesus, I got religious ads. When I wrote about TCM, I got TCM ads.

So now I'm performing a little test to see if there are any ads for free beer or free alcohol. Free Beer. Free Booze. Free alcohol. I'm pasting it all over the site. Free Free Free. Booze Booze Booze. My graphic sez it all: Free Beer!

Advertise here! Free Beer. Free booze -- let's see what happens!

New Puzzle Sensation: Ed-Oku!

A Puzzlement. When you run a vast entertainment conglomerate, you can’t waste precious time on newspaper puzzles that take hours to complete. Such was the issue faced by Lang Jeffries, Jr., Board Chairman of Langfilms, Inc. “I love Sudoku,” admitted Lang. “But I can’t waste hours solving puzzles when I have a vast entertainment conglomerate to run.” So Lang did what any board chairman of a vast entertainment conglomerate would do: he hired a mathematical and linguistic über-genius to create a brand new puzzle that would fit his busy lifestyle.

Enter Ed-oku. So the über-genius went to work. After thousands of hours of laborious research, mathematical and linguistic über-genius Ed Engman created a new spin on the Sudoku puzzle. By eliminating eight of the nine 9 X 9 cell squares, and then placing subtle hints in the remaining cells, a Sudoku puzzle that used to take an hour to complete now takes about ten minutes. Lang was so taken with the new puzzle, he christened it “Ed-oku” in honor of the inventor. “I’m flattered, said über-genius Engman.

Instructions: Like Sudoku, the object is to fill the empty cells with numbers, one through nine, and each number can only be used once. With subtle hints (usually three of four numbers, depending on the complexity of the puzzle), the user tries to determine how to fill in the other squares. According to Lang, “It only took minutes to learn”.

The Next Rubik’s Cube. Like its ancestor, Sudoku, Ed-oku is poised to be the next big thing. Puzzle experts say it has the potential of becoming the next Rubik’s cube. Regardless of the runaway success of the puzzle, inventor Engman remains modest. “I’m just like any other über-genius,” says Ed, modestly.

For Those Who Think Dumb

I caught the last hour of the 1964 classic "For Those Who Think Young" tonight on TCM. Generously awarded one star, this teenage drive-in pic features fey fussbudget Paul Lynde, a young Ellen Burstyn (using the name Ellen McRae), the spectacularly unfunny Woody Woodbury ("It's Woody's Weedin' Time") and an unbilled combo whose 30 second number sets a record for forgetability. Not enough? How about a brunette Nancy Sinatra, a hot Tina Louise, and Bob Denver as "Kelp"?

And like seaweed, this film belongs at the bottom of the ocean floor. Highlight is Denver's face-painted "singing" chin filmed upside down (inspiration for Sir Ghastly's "The Blob"?). According to Denver, his head was wrapped in so many towels, he had trouble lip-syncing because he couldn't hear the music. What price Hollywood?

I urge you to get pencil and paper and record this important information: You can purchase a Christmas ornament with the Skipper's caricature on it from Bob's website (in the Gilligan's Gift Gallery, of course!)! Here's where to order:

http://www.bobdenver.com/Gilligan_s_Gift_Gallery/Gilligan_Goodies/castawaygilligan_goodies.html

POLISH ASTRONAUTS CAN'T FIND MOON

HOUSTON (API) -- NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that Poland’s first lunar mission was terminated after the astronauts got lost on their way to the moon.

“When we left, it was crescent shaped,” said a bewildered Stosh Jaworski, captain of the wayward Polish Spaceship Jablonski III. The U.S. Air Force fished Jaworski and co-pilot Lech Wisznewski out of Lake Erie after the duo failed to navigate back to their home base in Warsaw. “We couldn't find dat, eeder,” said Wisznewski.

U.S. Air Force Captain A. Stephen McNeil tracked the entire mission from NASA Space Control in Houston. “First, they had to scrub the original launch last Monday because Kowalski forgot his helmet. Then on Tuesday there was a two-hour delay because they got stuck at seventeen during the countdown,” said McNeil. “It’s like watching 2001: A Space Odyssey. Not the space part, the part when the chimps see the big black door.”

Poland’s space program has had its fits and starts since 1972 when they first attempted the launch of a spy satellite. “They had invented a camera that could focus on the end of a pin from 100 miles into space,” claims McNeil. “They launched the satellite, and then realized they forgot to load film into the camera.”

Poland has planned a re-launch for next fall. “We got new maps,” said Dr. Josef Javorsky, Chief Rocket Scientist at Krakow University.

Turkish Wizard of Oz

Gang: I came across this rare lobby card of "The Turkish WIzard of Oz".

Enjoy!

Exploitation Film Treasure Chest!

Occasionally, I pop by one of my sponsors to check out the goods. Recently, I've been getting ads from "Lago Video Entertainment", so I thought I'd make a visit.

This online alternative vid store features about forty of the goofiest titles I've ever seen. I'm familiar with a few of them (for example, The Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfield), but most of them I'd never seen or heard of.

How about the Turkish Wizard of Oz, or The Green Slime? They specialize in hard to find, made-for-TV movies (maybe a non-home-recorded version of Condominium? Alas, no). But if you are trying to track down Killdozer, Manbeast or The Arousers (with Tab Hunter!), you've found your source!

At any rate, there are enough great obscure titles to satiate the taste of any jaundiced exploitation fan. Check them out at: http://www.lagovideodvd.com/

FIRST DOCUMENTARY RELEASE BY LANGFILMS!

Langfilms, a division of the incredibly vast entertainment conglomerate owned and operated by Lang Jeffries, Jr., proudly announces their first foray into documentary filmmaking with the inaugural release, “Sam Sphincter: Man of Vision”.

The fantastic story follows the life of Samuel P. Sphincter, the famous prognosticator whose predictions came true with an incredible accuracy rate of 98%! This modern-day Nostradamus had a twist: he predicted things that would happen in the PAST.

The adventure begins after Sam was struck on the head with a rock – thrown by his mother. “I was aiming at his a*shole father,” claims Mom. After the accident, Sam began seeing visions (mainly from his television set). Shortly thereafter, he began astounding friends with his uncanny ability to predict past events with pinpoint precision. Among his many incredible visages:

· The United States will engage in a War Between the States which will end in 1865 with many lives lost.

· The Japanese will bomb Pearl Harbor in or around December, 1941.

· There will be a fast food restaurant called McDonalds. One day they will serve Chicken NcNuggets – all white meat.

Despite his unusual ability, he did mess up on a few facts. He stated that the huge ocean liner that would sink in 1912 would be called the “Atlantic” (actually, it was the “Titanic” -- it did however sink in the Atlantic Ocean!)

According to the film, which is currently being edited, Sphincter parlayed his prognostications into a successful career with the circus. His famous “Abe Lincoln will be assassinated” proclamation in 1965 stunned many, as it occurred exactly 100 years after the event took place!

‘It was a chilling moment,” recalled former ringmaster Johnny Tremayne.

Langfilms has already shot several hundred minutes of documentary footage, including interviews with close friends and associates. Per Lang, the documentary will shed new light on the mysterious career of this amazing oracle. Worldwide excitement is mounting, and producer Jeffries is being flooded daily with phone calls and emails regarding the film’s release.

“We’re trying hard to squeeze as much through this Sphincter thing that we can,” said the famous filmmaker.