After an intensive three-month study, scientists at the University of Maryland concluded that an empty mustard bottle was marginally funnier than Dick Van Dyke. Researchers at the university confirmed that the mustard bottle performed slightly better than the Fitzwilly star in five out of the seven comprehensive tests. Of the two remaining tests, one was a tie, and the other– who could act more like a funny drunk – went to Van Dyke.
Dr. Richard Lesnar who led the study said that Van Dyke’s role as “Bert” in Mary Poppins caused irreparable damage. “Van Dyke’s affected cockney accent sent an embarrassing shiver down our collective spines. At that point, it was all mustard bottle.”
2 comments:
Please leave mustard alone!! It's an innocent condiment, only trying to make hotdogs somewhat more palatable. To bring in comedic performers, who do nothing for sausage improvement is a disgrace. Please desist from further attempts at condimedy.
Dear Heinz,
I am certainly sympathetic to your appreciation for mustard, and had no intent to "poupon" this noble condiment.
However, you must respect the Langfilms journalistic ethic; we report the truth when we see it. And for cryin' out loud, with 56 other varieties, couldn't you afford to make one slight exception in this case?
Respectfully, Lang Jr.
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