The National Inner Human Space Agency (NIHSA) reported today that the crew of Fantastic Voyage spaceship Uranus XIII was lodged precariously in a patient’s anus. Rescue teams have been miniaturized and are currently sailing to the scene. The emergency teams have less than 24 hours to save the crew before the marooned spaceship grows to normal size, potentially enlarging the patient’s anus to a size “not yet seen in any federal prison,” according to Dr. Lionel Bentley, head of the mission.
The problem started when the crew had to be diverted from the normal location of disembarkation -- the tear duct -- because of the patient’s sinus condition. When Dr. Bentley notified Uranus XIII Captain Frank Wilson that the spaceship would have to disembark through the intestines, rectum and anus, the captain replied, “Are you shittin’ me?”
Dr. Bentley said, “Yes.”
The identity of the patient – rumored to be a famous celebrity -- is concealed from the public as required by federal HIPAA laws regarding patient privacy, although a slip-up by Dr. Bentley provided a clue to the patient’s identity. After reporting the case, the doctor reported that the spaceship, now currently the size of a pickle, should be causing the patient some discomfort. Dr, Bentley then stated that, “Mr. Aiken actually seems to be enjoying it.”
Captain Wilson reported that he didn’t think the crew of the spaceship were the first to visit the area. “Apparently, there have been people here before. From my guess, many people.”
The problem started when the crew had to be diverted from the normal location of disembarkation -- the tear duct -- because of the patient’s sinus condition. When Dr. Bentley notified Uranus XIII Captain Frank Wilson that the spaceship would have to disembark through the intestines, rectum and anus, the captain replied, “Are you shittin’ me?”
Dr. Bentley said, “Yes.”
The identity of the patient – rumored to be a famous celebrity -- is concealed from the public as required by federal HIPAA laws regarding patient privacy, although a slip-up by Dr. Bentley provided a clue to the patient’s identity. After reporting the case, the doctor reported that the spaceship, now currently the size of a pickle, should be causing the patient some discomfort. Dr, Bentley then stated that, “Mr. Aiken actually seems to be enjoying it.”
Captain Wilson reported that he didn’t think the crew of the spaceship were the first to visit the area. “Apparently, there have been people here before. From my guess, many people.”
5 comments:
Mr Toothy Tile wishes to comment: It seems that there may be a misunderstanding. The patient wished to have a submarine sandwich placed in the orifice in question, not a submarine. In the interest in accurate and fair blogging, please take heed.
Can I have Kroger Butts, instead of 100 Bucks?
I will now reveal the TRUE identity of TOOTHY TILE --and remember you heard it HERE first at CAHTF!
Mr. Toothy Tile, the MAJOR film star who can't out himself because the admission would ruin his marketability IS NONE OTHER THAN...
MR. ED!
That's right, the talking horse from the 60's sitcom of the same name is reluctant to come out the his stable for fear that his real "orientation" may impact his box office draw.
Even though he isn't featured in big pictures anymore (who could forget the Chariot scene in Ben Hur!), Mr. Ed still has a fan base that believes him to be a real stud.
So there you have it.
And no, you can't have 100 Kroger Butts.
Lang,
I also heard there was another object found in the lower regions of Mr. Aiken . . . a white loafer! Not sure what that means, but the American Idol singer did say he loved to fish - for "Bass"!
As for the shocking secret life of Mr. Ed, who we thought was certainly glue by now, it makes one wonder why the man of the house was in the barn so much. "oh, Wilbur!" takes on a whole new meaning. Too bad he was closeted for so long. A gay horse may have actually made that TV show interesting.
Actually, I think the white loafer may have been Steve Guttenberg.
And yes, there are many not-so-subtle references of "orientation" in the old Mr. Ed show. These include:
-The famous steam bath scene with Mr. Ed and Wilbur
-The incredible "missing kilt" sequence, when Wilbur and Mr. Ed dress up like Scotsmen
-The notorious "musical" production where Mr. Ed and Jim Bailey impersonate famous female film stars
Yes, I'm afraid the evidence is overwhelming!
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