"Bay of Pigs" Saga Revolting

OK, I have to admit Red Zone Cuba (aka Night Train to Mundo Fine) was so staggeringly bad, I had to consult IMDB and Wikipedia to help me sort things out. Let’s just say convict Coleman Francis (yes, the same fellow featured in two of the three Lemon Grove Kids films) goes to Cuba with his two pals, then returns. Occasionally they are on or in a train, but not always. In the interim, we witness several crimes (mostly by Coleman) and firing squad executions (mostly by Cubans). Fidel Castro looks like a shaved Gabe Kaplan with a fake beard glued back on. At least John Carradine is not a doctor in this picture.

“The Skydivers” will complete my Coleman Francis education (Yucca Flats was Coleman’s masterpiece). Perhaps I can use my fear of heights as an excuse to avoid it?

ALSO, if anyone has The Last of the American Hoboes, PLEASE CONTACT ME! I referred to this film in an earlier Coleman Francis entry. Hoboes was directed by none other than Titus Moede who played Boo Boo in Rat Pfink A Boo Boo.

A Pair of Paracinema Definitions

I accidentally DVR’d Haxan from IFC (Independent Film Channel) not TCM. I visited the IFC Web site later, I noticed that the network is celebrating “Grindhouse” month; three horror films every Thursday in June. Although this isn’t Lang’s cup of tea (rather slickly done slasher fare, or “para-paracinema” -- more on that later), I thought it appropriate to advertise, should anyone have an interest. And though several of the films are not technically “Grindhouse” (Scream 3 and a few others on the bill were made after the Slasher Sweetspot of the 1970’s and 80’s), I might advise you to at least watch “The Evil Dead”, co-starring Berkley neighbor Ellen Sandweiss.

Film scholars have coined the term “Paracinema” to describe cult films or films that live “outside of the mainstream”. Exploitation films (like Mom and Dad) made between 1918 and 1960 fall into the Paracinema category. Early Drive-in horror films like “Blood Feast” (1963), too gory at the time of release to be considered mainstream, fall into the category of Paracinema. But as tastes changed in the late 60’s, audiences adjusted to graphic violence (as they adjusted to pornography), and the border between cult and mainstream became blurred. Films like “Friday the 13th”, because of their professional production qualities, were considered mainstream by Paracinemasts, and hence, did not qualify as Paracinema. Debate about the classification of these films continues, and film scholars have recently rebranded the genre as “Para-paracinema”. (Really!)

At any rate, information on Paracinema on the Internet aligns more to the IFC Grindhouse era versus the Exploitation era (1918 to 1960), which means the IFC films are really more Para-paracinema than Paracinema. I also subscribe to Paracinema Magazine which recently contained features on “A Clockwork Orange” (Mainstream), Divine (Paracinema), and Herschel Gordon Lewis (Paracinema)

"Time for Go To Bed!"

So commanded Tor Johnson in the classic "The Unearthly" (Hats off to Mace Bacon who recommended this 1957 stinker). The line is emotionally delivered by "Lobo" (Tor) after Dr. Conway (John Carradine -- who always plays a crummy scientist) asks him to direct the patients to their rooms for the evening. Doc just polished off a sweet Toccata and Fugue to divert attention while Lobo was hiding the Shredded Wheat lady.

Of John Carradine's 339 appearances in movies in television, he was a doctor in 23 of those appearances (including Dr. DeMarco in The Astro Zombies!). I have to believe this film was the inspiration for Carradine's character Dr. Bernardo in Woody Allen's 1972 "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex..." -- ("They called me mad at Masters and Johnson"). At any rate, we get to see Tor's full spectrum as an actor as he sets a personal record for dialogue in a film.

Would y'all mind passin' the ammo, baby?

A book documenting the story of Dr. Gatling’s 1861 sinister invention, the Gatling Gun, has recently been published. Foreshadowing the rapid technical advance in weapons of warfare, this device, first used in the Civil War, fired continuous rounds of bullets using a manual crank, and is considered the first “machine gun”. An unfortunate side effect of the weapon’s dark legacy was the tepid 1973 western “The Gatling Gun”, which, among other failings, featured a dreadfully miscast Phil Harris.

Phil was a burly, boozing bandleader/singer from the Bing Crosby generation who spoke in a hepcat, jazzy slang. He did not bother to alter this style for the film. As I remember it, Phil had the Gatling crank in one hand and a tumbler of scotch in the other, mowing down hordes of confederate soldiers while yelling “Come and get it, baby!”

Reason enough to rent the film. And if this performance touches you, may I suggest viewing the “Lucy Show” episode (please note, not “I Love Lucy”, but its shark-jumped successor) featuring Phil. He sings a love song to Lucy -- something to the effect of : “You were the moon, I was out of tune, You were the stars, I was drivin’ cars”. The song is so desiccated, it dries the tomato soup right off Lucy’s lips. Phil is so taken by his own drivel that he actually starts crying. My God, this is great stuff!

2008 EDFEST SOLD TO CONGLOMERATE; SHAREHOLDERS MEETING TO TAKE PLACE THURSDAY JUNE 19, IN BERKLEY MI.

BERKLEY (AP): On June 19, World-renowned EdFest® is morphing into LANG FEST! The oldest continuous EdFest in the United States (source: Encyclopaedia Brittanica) is transitioning ownership to Lang Jeffries, Jr. owner and administrator of crummyandhardtofind.blogspot.com, (this excellent website!) Rest assured, Ed didn’t do this for the money. “I’m looking to raise general awareness of the festival, and I don’t have the deep pockets or distribution capability of crummyandhardtofind,” stated Ed. EdFesters will have lots of questions about the transition, so Ed has put together this FAQ. If you have any further questions, please leave a comment!

What happened to EdFest?
Nothing! It’s still the best après-work event in the country. All that’s changed is the name! In the future, you will just enjoy it as “LangFest”. In return for his investment, all Lang Jeffries is asking is that we rechristen the event. This is similar to Comerica buying the naming rights to the Tigers’ baseball stadium.

Where is it?
The Blarney Stone Pub, 5:00 p.m. on Thursday, June 19th. The Blarney Stone is on the west side of Woodward, just north of 11 Mile. About a mile north of I696.

Thursday? What is that all about? I do my laundry on Thursday!
Ed and Lang agreed that summer weekends – particularly Fridays -- are difficult to coordinate what with vacations and all. The place should also be less crowded on Thursday.

So is this just a sh*tty, underhanded way of getting people to get to this friggin' blog site?
Ha Ha.

What if I can’t make it?
With the way Ed’s been coordinating things, the next LangFest won’t be until Fall 2010. So I would move h*ll and high water to get there.

Oh, Ok.

New Flick "Zero Comments" in Theaters Soon!

IN THE TRADITION OF CITIZEN KANE, THE GODFATHER and GONE WITH THE WIND, world-famous scenarist Lang Jeffries Jr. announces the next ground-breaking American classic: "Zero Comments"

"Zero Comments" is a taut, edge-of-your-seat, new-age thriller about a blogger (Lang Jeffries Jr.) who mysteriously and consistently receives no comments on his blog! Why?! Is it a ghost that haunts the blog? A mysterious relative from the past prohibiting the transmission of comments via vast cyber-powers? Is a demented Colonel Sanders cruelly deploying his new chipotle-flavored crispy chicken as a strategic diversion to otherwise interested bloggers?

At any rate, SEE how intriguing and controversial posts are incredibly re-channeled to other, less interesting blogs (Care to see my used tires?, and The Official Al Lewis Web Shrine, to name but a few!).

An FBI cover-up? Bloggers still reeling from the TOO HOT Klinger/Nesor controversy?!

YOU be the judge!

SEE: "ZERO COMMENTS" -- the first picture filmed in stomach-churning 4D CYBERVISION! (Special glasses required)

Think you know these guys? Look again!

No, that isn’t Martin and Lewis, it’s Mitchell and Petrillo, as in Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo. The two starred in the classic, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, which also features “Cheetah” -- the original chimp from Tarzan. Sammy Petrillo is eight years younger than Jerry Lewis, and once played his “baby” on a Colgate Comedy Hour sketch. Lewis, impressed by Petrillo’s mimicking talents, signed the young comic. Petrillo claims it was a preventive measure: Lewis was more interested in keeping Petrillo out of the public eye rather than promoting him. Petrillo’s father sued Lewis, releasing him -- Sammy was only a minor when the contract was signed.

As a “one-trick” showman, Petrillo’s career never took off. He had occasional TV and night club gigs, and eventually paired up with singer Duke Mitchell. Other than “Brooklyn Gorilla”, the cut-rate Wal-Martin and Lewis never repeated their earlier “success”. Petrillo claims Jerry Lewis threatened to boycott big clubs in Vegas if anyone hired the team. Eventually (and coincidentally), Petrillo starred in two Doris Wishman nudies: Shangri-la and Keyholes are for Peeping. That was about it. Duke Mitchell, is no longer among the living, but Petrillo is still with us.

Petrillo also claims having the same haircut and pointed boots that the Beatles wore years before the Fab Four made them popular. If given the forum, he may also tell us how he invented the Internet.

HOT DVD's OUT THIS WEEK! Be the first on the block to buy these beauties!

The Lemon Grove Kids Meet Elliot Spitzer: The Lemon Grove Kids travel to Albany to cheer up the ex-Gov of New York. The shenanigans start when Slug tricks Gopher into taking part in a blindfolded cucumber tasting contest. What a dilly!

Press a Button, Something Happens: A Tor Johnson Retrospective. Tor appeared in over 30 films and this special set contains his most brilliant moments. Three and a half-minutes in length. Contains the famous “Walk for Your Life” scene from “Beast of Yucca Flats”.

Doris Wishman’s controversial 1990 political porn film Charlie Wilson’s Whore. Banned until 2005, the film was pulled during its original release due to the inflammatory dialogue aimed at the Soviets (Vic Tayback, as President Ronald Reagan, says “Stuff it, Gorby!”)

Lang Jr., host of this site and proud owner of Javorsky Jems Video offers these precious pix at popular prices! Kudos to Lang!

Decapitated? I said I wanted "Decaffeinated!" The Trouble with Astro Zombies

Dr. DeMarco isn't having a great day! The CIA has been spying on him, suspecting his involvement in a a series of mutilation murders. DeMarco has successfully constructed an "Astro Man", but like Dr. Frankenstein, had to settle for a defective brain (probably director Ted V. Mikels's). There are two protagonists, a horny third-rate James Bond type who drives around in a hot paneled station wagon, and his pal, horny Dr. Porter who likes to pinch his girlfriend's behind. A foreign government is interested in DeMarco's achievement, and their lead agent (Faster Pussycat's Tura Satana) is a chain-smoking Geisha who shoots everything in sight. Her character's name is "Satana". DeMarco's Astro Zombies (he ends up with a pair) run amok in Hollywood, and strip their victims before killing them. DeMarco patiently imparts his theory on mute assistant Franchot, who tests the doctor's theories on one of Dean Martin's Gold diggers. The film features a topless snake-lady dance and a synthetic heart that runs on solar power.



Click on graphic for bigger view!

Klinger Kontroversy! Was Jamie Farr Stobo?!?

Once again, crummyandhardtofind.blogspot.com delivers the kind of hard-hitting investigative journalism that can only be found on this site!

In an earlier posting, I had referred to reviews I had on IMDB.com. Up until a year ago (since I had last checked), my review for xmas stinker Santa Claus Conquers the Martians had appeared under the title: Jamie Farr Keeps Martian Hams at Bay. Mysteriously, the review had vanished (Don’t worry folks, the others are still there!).

I hadn’t given the disappearance much thought until recently. I happened to scan the actors on the IMDB entry for SCCTM and noticed no credit for Jamie Farr. Hmmm, could my eyes be deceiving me? I was certain he was in this crummy classic! But according to IMDB, the character Farr allegedly portrays – Stobo – is credited to a certain “Al Nesor”, a Broadway character actor whose most famous role was Fleagle Eyed Eagle in Li'l Abner. Not completely satisfied with the answer, I probed further. Googling “Santa Claus Conquers” and “Jamie Farr”, I uncovered some very interesting stuff!

The website badmovieplanet.com claims: “The Martian playing Stobo is not Jamie Farr, as some would have you think. It was Al Nesor, who also played a character in the Li'l Abner musical - who everyone also mistakes as being Farr.”

And this from the NY Times: “Farr was not in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians during this period, as has often been reported; the cast of that turkey included a Broadway actor named Al Nesor, who bore a startling resemblance to Farr and played many of the same type roles.”

Seems like the case was settled. But then I stumbled upon this nugget on: www.alamedatv.org/programs/monster_santa.html

Author Ed Schneider claims: “There has been much debate over whether Jamie Farr (from M*A*S*H) actually appeared in this film. He denies it, but the truth may be he is just ashamed.” Schneider has him credited as “Stobo”.

To support Schneider’s theory, Jamie Farr’s Wikipedia entry confirms: “He may also have played a bit part in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”

Who to believe?

Investigative work is never pretty, and investigating Jamie Farr is not prettier still. I went to http://www.jamiefarr.com/ . The site suspiciously lacks a filmography, usually an indication that there is some work better left “undiscussed“. In fact, the site contains only a few references to his early career before he charges into M*A*S*H.

A “Klinger Cover-up?“ You can’t dress this one up, Farr!

As they say the proof is in the puddin’. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is now in the public domain and available for viewing over the web from many sites for free. So I reviewed the film in detail on http://www.archive.org/.

I urge you to scan the film for yourself (you don’t have to sit through the whole debacle). Find “Stobo“ (he appears several times during the last twenty-five minutes) and tell me: is that Jamie Farr or not?

Here is another interesting fact: according to IMDB.com, Nesor was born in 1911, which would make him 54 years old when Santa was made. The sprightly Stobo was more likely played by someone much younger.

However, my mind was made up after scrutinizing stills from Li’l Abner. I have included a few vidcaps of Al Nesor from that film as well as Stobo pix from SCCTH. It was difficult to nail Stobo to Farr or Nesor vocally, as Stobo mostly giggles through Claus; the few lines he did have were delivered at a high, goofy pitch.

But although Nesor and Farr are doppelgangers, there are slight physical differences that can be detected, specifically around the lines of the mouth (Farr’s are not pronounced), and the sharpness of the nose (Farr’s is rounder). The lines and nose of Nesor match those of Stobo.
As a result, I agree with the Times assessment: Stobo is played by Al Nesor.

My next steps are to ensure the Wikipedia entry for Farr is corrected.

Once again, crummyandhardtofind.blogspot.com is on the job, and justice is served!

Om Pax Om!

Was perusing the TCM Underground offerings in May and stumbled across a Danish silent film made in 1922 called "Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages". The IMDB comments were strikingly positive, and most comments assessed the film as "amazing", "innovative" and "fascinating". "Way ahead of its time" another reviewer commented, surprised by scenes of nudity and torture for a film made over 85 years ago (Doris Wishman was only 10 years old at the time!) I'm certain TCM will show the "restored" version, which apparently is the one to watch. At any rate, set your DVR's for 2:00 a.m. on May 30th.

Also, I'll put in a plug for "High as a Kite" Night on TCM this Friday (5/9). The joint is rockin' with Reefer Madness at 2:00 a.m., Marihuana at 3:15 and Cocaine Fiends at 4:30 a.m.

Not too fast, not too furious -- on TCM Underground Tonight

Not technically in the “crummy” category, teen movie The Fast and the Furious is featured tonight (4/25) on Turner Classic Movies (12:30 a.m.). The Fast and the Furious was co-written by low-budget maestro Roger Corman, and is notable as the first release from American International Pictures (AIP). AIP made its fortune by exploiting the teen audience (specifically the nineteen year-old male) beginning in the mid-fifties, and continuing into the late 1970’s. A typical 60’s AIP release – Pajama Party -- is featured earlier at 7:00 p.m.

Corman went on to produce the famous “Poe” cycle of films at AIP (The Pit and the Pendulum, The Raven, Masque of the Red Death) and countless others, and he helped launch the careers of directors Martin Scorsese and Francis Ford Coppola. Corman had a cameo as a senator in the congressional investigation sequence in The Godfather 2.

Man, oh Manos! What a Picture!

I would like to kindle the debate regarding “the worst film of all time”, now that “Manos: the Hands of Fate” has been submitted as a candidate. Certainly, there is plenty of evidence to support the nomination. For those unfamiliar with the film, the story starts when a small family gets lost on the outskirts of El Paso, Texas. Of course, Dad won’t stop for directions, and that’s how the whole mess begins. They end up at what looks like a deserted HoJo’s and are greeted by the local satyr, Torgo. As befits his mythological character, Torgo’s lower extremities are goat-like, and he talks like a goat as well. In the first half of the film, he shuttles the family luggage from the car to the ranch and back again and does not get tipped. He constantly rants about the “Master” whose paint-by-number portrait hangs in the living room. Then Torgo gets it in his head to take Mom as his wife, (frustrated apparently with the 0 for 28 match analysis on his eHarmony.com personality profile. Sample: “Do you like cloven feet? Y or N”). The second half of the film contains a prolonged catfight involving the Master’s six wives. Later, the Master cleverly uses Torgo’s severed hand to start a barbecue. In the end, it’s not apparent who is alive or dead or even half-dead, but that’s OK, because it’s over.

Although bad, I’m not sure I’d even place it in my top three. First, unlike Plan 9, all the actors survived the filming. (Torgo, played by the great John Reynolds, was considerate enough to commit suicide after the filming took place – and who can blame him?). Second, unlike “Clambake,” there was neither a Will Hutchins nor any crummy musical number (although it would be a gas to hear the Master sing “Confidence”!). And third, unlike Robot Monster, there were no gorillas (not even a Kogar!) And the first twenty minutes of highway scenery -- which looked eerily like the 8mm film my brother shot out of the car window while we were driving to Washington D. C. -- was more nostalgic than boring. So, like the family itself, Manos lies outside of my top three, somewhere on the outskirts of El Paso.

And like mom always says, make sure you wash your “hands of fate” before dinner. Your father may need one of them to ignite the pilot in the furnace!

Lang Jr. Finishes New Lemon Groves Kids Script!

Hey, everyone! Lang Jr. is at it again. He just finished his latest Lemon Grove Kid's treatment and is ready to share it with the world.

This edition, called "Lemon Grove Kids do an Atomic Sit-up", features all the characters you've come to know and love! Slug, Fatso, and the others teach Gopher how to do an "Atomic Sit-up!"

Thanks, again, Lang Jr.! Your talent is astounding!

http://home.comcast.net/~eengman/site/?/page/Atomic/



Lang Jeffries, Sr.

Timothy Farrell Trailer-Fest: Comcast On Demand

Hey gang! I'm always promoting On Demand -- Cutting Edge -- Something Weird, and in this week's trailer trash, check out the 1950's Exploitation selection. Of the four movie previews offered in this collection, no less than 3 feature B-Movie legend Timothy Farrell!

Fun facts about Farrell:

• He played the character "Umberto Scalli" in three different pictures
• He appeared in four films that contained either the word "Girl" or "Girls"
  
• He was in two movies that contain the word "Racket"
  
• In "Test Tube Babies" he did not wear his trademark mustache
  
• He appeared in two Ed Wood films: Glen or Glenda and Jailbait
  
• When he wasn't starring in low-budget Adults-only films, he was a bailiff in the LA Sheriff's Department. One of his films (Paris After Midnight) was seized during a police raid, causing him a bit of professional embarrassment.
• Farrell appeared in 1954 (Judy Garland) version of A Star is Born...as a bailiff!
  
• He played a doctor in three different films
  
• His real name is Timothy Sperl

And this in a career of only twelve films over a span of ten years!

SIN-A-RAMA - This Week, Plan 9!

Folks, it's only proper that I present the grandaddy of all time and the inspiration to us all -- Plan 9 From Outer Space! What more can be said?

The screening to the left presents the full feature, the first part of the film, or the trailer, if that's all you can take in one setting.

On deck: R.D. Steckler montage!

Lang Jr. Presents: SIN-A-RAMA!

View the worst in Cinema RIGHT FROM THIS BLOG! Not content to just TALK about bad cinema, I have personally taken the steps necessary to actually BRING THESE MOVIES DIRECTLY to YOU the VIEWER without ever having to leave this blog!

Playing this week: The Coleman Francis classic The Beast From Yucca Flats!

On Deck: Plan Nine from Outer Space!

Plus, other goodies from the big bad world of crummyandhardtofind!


Be my guest!

Adults Only: Indecent Doris

For those of you that have access to On Demand (Comcast Channel 1), I encourage you to visit the The Cutting Edge / Something Weird / Retro Erotica channel and view Indecent Desires, a 1967 release by notorious female filmmaker Doris Wishman. I had only seen excerpts of Doris' work (Nude on the Moon) in other compilation videos, and Something Weird delivers only 30 minutes of the seventy-five minute release, but it's enough. The story concerns a nerdy guy who finds a doll in a wastebasket, and uses it to perform a kind of sexual voodoo. Although the movie is bad, calling Doris Wishman the Female Ed Wood does her a disservice. Although light in the story line, it is coherent, and even predictable.

I advise you to view it while you can; Something Weird turns their videos over every month. And take the opportunity to explore the other categories in Something Weird -- the movie trailers are not to be believed!

"Nothing bothers some people; not even flying saucers"

For those of you who enjoyed the Lemon Groves Kids films, you should note that "Big Ed" was played by none other than the great B-film director, Coleman Francis. Coleman's legacy includes "Beast of Yucca Flats", "The Skydivers", and "Night Train to Mondo Fine". I have only seen the first of these cinema classics (Yucca Flats) and can attest to its awfulness. I am told (and will have no trouble believing) the others are equally as bad. The dialog (or should I say monologue, see title above) -- done entirely through voice over -- should give you an indication of the film's quality. Coleman also starred in "The Last American Hobo"; a film about hobos. Poor Coleman was eventually "caught up in the wheels of progress" and passed away in 1973.

For those interested in seeing Yucca, let me know. You can borrow my copy.

New Local Horror TV Show offers fun and life-altering traumatic experiences for Future Generations!

For those local Detroiters who have been clamoring for a crummy sci-fi fim fix, a new pusher has arrived! Beginning in March, you can see Wolfman Mac and Nightmare Sinema on MyTV20 at 1:00 a.m. on Friday nights. The show features the best of the worst in sci-fi and horror, along with old commercials and music videos. The following website contains all the information you need to know:

http://www.nightmaresinema.com/index.html




I recall fondly the wonderful Sir Graves shows that used to be on Saturday afternoons. However, I have to admit I had to see a psychiatrist to help me get over my crush on Tillie. And even though I sent several crayon drawings to Sir Graves, none were ever displayed (those, too, went straight to the shrink). I truly believe we need to extend these peculiar experiences to our children.

At any rate, let's support the Wolfman and keep horror on local TV!