Man Claims His Ponzi Scheme Will Really Work

Despite recent bad press regarding phony hedge funds and fake real estate scams, Mike Churnley says his Islands Investment Fund is the "real ponzi scheme deal."

"Ponzi schemes have been under attack lately because of negative news articles about Bernie Madoff and other crooks," state Churnley. "But my ponzi scheme is purely above board and openly illegal."

Churnley based his operation loosely on the Amway business model, where people can make more money by integrating friends and relatives into the scam than by selling real estate. "I've got over 300 people in the organization, each investing $5,000 to get in on the action, and I haven't sold a doghouse!" Churnley encourages his "associates" to recruit new investors -- each new investor results in a $500 commission for the associate. The rest of the dough is rolled up to Churnley. "I've made a ton of easy money, and you can too!" he brags.

"This is real gravy compared to the sh*tty old fashioned way of making money -- by working for it," Churnley chuckles. "Just keep your g*ddam traps shut before somebody rats on us!"

Sales Hit by Errant Pie

It was no laughing matter when ailing comedian Soupy Sales was recently hit in the face by a pie. The custard cream special was thrust into the air when a waitress tripped on a rug at Del’s Restaurant in Tampa. The pie landed square on Soupy’s kisser, clogging his nostrils, and sending the octogenarian into a seizure. Nearby patrons laughed heartily at the antics, oblivious to his struggle for life. Paramedics arrived shortly on the scene and found Sales in near comatose state. They rushed Soupy into critical at the hospital where he remained on life support for two days.

Close relatives who were asked whether to continue mechanical support of the comedian’s life were spared a decision when Soupy began breathing on his own late last week. “Please don’t tell Uncle Soupy I said it was OK to pull the plug,” said fifty-four year-old nephew Warren Hines.

Republican Stimulus Package Will Save $900 billion

A counter stimulus package proposed by House republicans would result in a savings of $900 Billion dollars, according to sources. The package -- called "G*ddam it, get out there and Spend" -- features a half dozen public service announcements that will be run during prime time television. The spots will un-subtly suggest that consumers "get off their *ss and buy something!"

Representative Marv Wankler (R-Tennessee) pointed out that the current Obama plan requires further government spending at a time when budget woes are already threatening the viability of the U.S. Economy. "We give people a thousand bucks and we think they'll go and spend it. These days, people are more likely to tuck it into their mattress until things get rosy. So what's the point?"

The public service spots cost less than a million to make and the message is loud and clear. "Spend some loot or I'll come and eat your children!" threatens one of the ads. Focus group studies have shown that people are more willing to open up their pocket books when their lives are threatened.

Wankler says House republicans will present the plan early at the next session. "When someone threatens to blow your face off with a double-barrel shotgun, that's stimulus!" says Wankler.

Kiddie Kasino WIll Augment Greektown Revenues

Teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, the executive team at Greektown Casino has come up with a guaranteed moneymaker to bring in much needed revenue. Beginning this weekend, Greektown will open its "Kiddie Kasino," a 4,000 square foot facility that will cater to the elementary school crowd. The kids pile into the car with their parents and their allowance and drive downtown to the action. While Mom and Dad are gambling their mortgage away at the Hold 'em table, sis and little brother will be dumping their coin in the Fisher Price one-armed bandits designed especially for them. While gambling, the tots can sip free kool-aid and munch on cookies while watching SpongeBob on a 72" Plasma HDTV screen. Even the little ones are welcome, with a special "craps" table to help with toilet training.

Although the idea has come under some criticism, the Casino is quick to point out the math advantage these kiddie kardsharps gain. According to Pit Manager Bill Yardley, most of these high-chair high rollers can count to 21 before they reach kindergarten.

On opening weekend, Greektown will be passing out free bumper stickers that say, "I've been a good kid this week, so HIT ME!"

Nazi Clowns Forced Kids to Laugh

As the notorious legacy of the Nazi party continues to unfold, new evidence has been uncovered that exposes yet another atrocity -- the ruthless treatment of children at the hands of Nazi clowns.

In a new book published posthumously by a former Nazi clown, Henrik VonGaber recounts a chilling tale of humor forced upon the innocent. VonGaber was part of Hitler's Schitzengiggles Korps, or SGK, an elite team of circus clowns assembled for the purpose of providing levity in a wartime environment. "Our goal was to lift the spirits of families and children throughout Germany. When they weren't entertained, we went into action," confesses VonGaber.

According to the author, the SKG would march into town, usually univited, and begin attacking hassidic citizens with a live-action "Punch and Jüden" show. One of their specialties was to have twenty seven clowns file out of a Panzer tank. If the reaction wasn't uproarious laughter, the tank would fire live rounds into the audience. "The camera was on," said VonGaber. "We could not afford to be unfunny."

NASCAR Shocker: "In 2009, we race clockwise"

In an attempt to give the stock car racing circuit a much-needed boost, NASCAR officials stated yesterday that beginning in 2009, the cars will run in a clockwise direction.

Starting with the Budweiser Shoot-out in early February, the cars will begin crossing the finish line from right to left, as opposed to left to right. With the move, NASCAR CEO Brian France stated that, "We will be moving in a bold new direction. Clockwise." France pointed out that the unusual wear on tires would now be evened out, saving racing teams millions in rubber every year.

The move has stunned racing purists who view the change as a stunt. "Jeesus Kee-rist!" hollered fan Lee Harvey Kershaw. "My neck ain't used to moving in that deerection!" The school janitor recently installed a 42-inch plasma HDTV in his double-wide but is now considering returning it. "Or mebbe I just installs it upside down."

Man Wonders: Should I Race Home Like A Madman, or Just Sh*t Myself Now?

Fred Cameron is usually more decisive, but last night's attack of slider-inspired diarrhea pushed him to the brink: Should I risk a ticket by flying through traffic like some NASCAR speed freak, or should I just let loose in my pants?

"I should know better," Cameron admitted later. "I always do this to myself. Most of the time the urge to purge happens at home, but this time I didn't play it safe."

The decision? Let's put it this way: he crapped in his Corolla.

Balloon Animal Zoo Closes

Owners of the Decatur Balloon Animal Zoo posted a "closed" sign on their front door last Thursday. CEO Fred Kinglsey said that the concept never quite caught on, as the projected target of 50,000 annual zoo-goers fell short by 49,989. Kingsley recalls the short history of the project: "My wife and I were in Vegas, watching this magician create these balloon animals: giraffes and such. And he says, 'I bet you never seen animals like this in a zoo!'. Well, my wife thought that that would be a cute idea, to have a balloon animal zoo. So I just decided, what the heck, let's go for it!"

Kingsley, a school janitor for thirty-five years, dumped his life savings into the project. He leased a 2000 square foot store front, built custom-made cages and paid a professional $500 to blow up his first set of zoo animals -- almost two hundred of them. "But after a few weeks," Kinglsey laments ,"the damn things started to wilt. We had to create a new set of animals every month." After eight months of dismal attendance, the Kingsleys couldn't afford the magician anymore, so they left the animals in their limp state. By the end of the year, they just looked like empty balloons with a few knots in them. "What the hell," says Kingsley. "Nobody came anyways."

Ukrainian Homosexuals Chafe at the idea of a Petroleum Shortage

KIEV, UKRAINE -- It was a mass hissy-fit in Kiev's Pink Square this morning, after Moscow announced that oil shipments to Eastern Europe will not resume for several weeks yet. Even though the embargo is impacting hundreds of thousands who depend on heating oil, and millions who can't get access to gasoline for their cars, Baltic boy-toys are now complaining that the lack of petroleum jelly has impacted their love lives as well. Limp-wristed rooskies pranced around Pink Square -- many in high-heels -- to create an awareness that the lack of petroleum jelly is leaving hundreds "bone dry".

Spokesperson Ivan Tukissue who represents the light-in-the-loafer contingent called "Soviet Union", sums it up: "We have trouble because Medved thinks he is big oil cowboy. He knows you can't launch Russian missile in desert." The problem is so severe that Ukrainian dairy farms are working three shifts to produce enough butter to accommodate the shortage.

Graffiti Spelling Improves

In December, Johns Hopkins University completed a comprehensive four year study that demonstrates that toilet stall graffiti writers (aka “those who write on sh*t-house walls”) are improving their spelling skills.

As part of his doctoral thesis, Associate Professor James Bernard has been tracking graffiti on walls in fourteen different restrooms in the Baltimore area. His hypothesis -- that stall squatters are improving their English skills -- seems to be proving correct. Prior studies have blamed poor spelling on complications caused by the simultaneous action of writing and performing a bowel movement, an action known in the academic world as “sh*t ‘n scribe”. But Bernard postulates that, “as part of the gradual rise in high school graduation rates, we expect better graffiti spelling, and we are seeing it in action in the real world.”

Bernard cites the following two examples of past common misspellings that are now being written correctly (bold type shows the words that are now being spelled correctly):
“Here I sit, broken hearted…”
“Words on Epileptic’s Medical Alert Tag: I’m not Break-dancing now.”

Bernard also noted that “the standard four-letter words have been spelled correctly from the beginning. But in the last two years, we have noted improvements when these words are accompanied with donkey or doughnut, particularly in reference to ex-girlfriends, bosses, and “Roger”.

Ray Dennis Steckler is Dead

Ray Dennis Steckler passed away on Wednesday, January 7th in his sleep. He was 70 years old.

Coincidentally, I was recently gifted on Christmas Eve with an autographed copy of "One More Time", Ray's follow-up to "Incredibly Strange Creatures..." (three cheers to Tea Lady a Boo Boo!)

On the back of the DVD case, he had asked that I send him an email with a review of the "2 pix" (also included was Reading Pennsylvania). I was tempted, but felt a little guilty, nagged by my "high-brow" attitude toward his work. I was impressed, however, by the note, and will treasure it always. I haven't viewed the DVD's yet -- he had actually autographed those as well.

To ensure I was getting the latest news on RDS, I had created a Google alert with "Ray Dennis Steckler" as the search criteria. Believe it or not, I set it up on Monday. I about soiled my diaper when I read the search results this morning. Stunned.

This blog didn't review his oeuvre favorably, but after taking in a few hours worth of Steckler interviews, I can say with honesty that Ray took his career and his films seriously, and seemed to be pretty good guy.

Cash, we are expecting footage of your final trip soon, with Saint Peter wearing a bedsheet from Wal Mart, being chased through the Pearly Gates by Torgo. Although your budgets you small, you were anything but an "amatuer" (spelling taken from end sequence of a The Lemon Grove Kids short).

2008 CAHTF Year In Review

Everyone else seems to be doing it, might as well throw my two cents in.

2008 Headlines:

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick gets jail time for perjury. Even though he’s out of office, Ben n’ Jerry names an ice cream flavor after him: Great Big A**hole.

Automobile companies ask for bail-out, but get two-hour Air Supply concert instead.

Economy goes down the sh*thole after Bernanke says he “forgot to carry the one.”

John McCain and Sarah Palin not only lose the election, but are also kicked off “Dancing with the Stars”.

Man can recite plots of 96% of Seinfeld re-runs.

Russians invade Georgia, then leave after big keg party.

People Who Did Not Die in 2008

Nancy Reagan: The ripest of the grim reaper’s crop, Nancy managed to hang on for another year after being mistaken for a medical school cadaver.

Carole Burnett: Burnett’s 2008 plastic surgery makes her look like Wayne Newton.

Dustin Diamond: TV’s “Screech” made some desperate attempts to get back in the limelight. Despite being given sage advice to commit suicide, Diamond made a porn movie instead.

Carol Channing: When will we say, “Goodbye, Dolly?”

Keith Richards: This Rolling Stone seems to be gathering moss, black mold, and other forms of bacteria. Fortunately, the high level of formaldehyde in his bloodstream keeps him from bursting into spontaneous rigor mortis.

Israeli Commander Claims: "I Was Just Getting My Ball"

Israeli raids that have left hundreds dead in the Gaza Strip seem to have stemmed from a small misunderstanding. Israeli Colonel Yahim Broda explained to the press this morning that the incessant tank shelling and torpedo attacks were ordered simply to get his ball back.

"I threw my ball over the fence," explained Broda. "I'm just trying to get it back."

Palestian Hammas leader Yemas Chadury called the action "a little overzealous". "If he had called," Chadury stated, "we would have just kicked it back."

"Too late now, I guess," sighed Colonel Broda.

What’s a seven-letter word that means ‘Big Jerk’? It starts with ‘A’ and ends with ‘h-o-l-e’?

My wife is filling out a crossword puzzle and just asked for my help. “What’s a seven-letter word that means ‘Big Jerk’? It starts with ‘A’ and ends with ‘h-o-l-e’”, she said. She said if anyone knows, I should know. Well, I don’t know, so I’m asking for help.

Last week she asked for a four-letter word that means ‘complete raving dipsh*t’. It starts with a ‘G’ and ends in ‘a-r-y’. The only word I could think of was Gary, which is my name. But I couldn’t think of any other words. Maybe someone could help me with that one as well.

Existence of Regis Philbin Casts Intelligent Design Theory in Doubt

Hundreds of religious leaders from around the globe are converging in Geneva this week to address recent attacks on the Intelligent Design (ID) theory, fueled by new evidence of the existence of Regis Philbin. The jolting discovery could jeopardize the popular ID movement. The ID theory has gained momentum in recent years as the counter-argument to the generally accepted Theory of Evolution. Religious leaders supporting Intelligent Design claim that the creation and order of all things could not have happened by accident; some “intelligent” or “divine” being had purposefully designed the universe and its inhabitants.


But in a recent Scientific American article, Dr. Ronald Derek of Johns Hopkins University debunks the theory by proving the existence of talk show host Philbin. “The religious community cannot deny the existence of Regis Philbin.”


Reverend D. Thomas Fitzgerald, considered an expert in ID theory, agreed that the Philbin argument was difficult to resolve. “It certainly shoots down the whole ‘intelligent’ part of the theory,” admitted Fitzgerald. “We’ll need to come up with a new line of bullsh*t.”


But not all religious leaders are giving up so easily. Monsignor Edward Cotton of St. James Parish in Joplin, Missouri claims that the Philbin discovery actually invalidates the Theory of Evolution. “Archeologists are obsessed about finding the famous missing link; the cornerstone of the Theory of Evolution. Well, gentlemen, here he is, and it’s 2008. Explain that,” counters Monsignor Cotton.

My Rotten Boss Gives Me Too Much Work and Keeps Me from Blogging

My boss Stan sure has his nerve. Right when I’m hitting my stride, providing my loyal and intelligent readers with the most up-to-date, hard-hitting news reporting on the web, Stan starts dumping the work on my plate. Do this, do that. What the hell, Stan – am I your g*ddam slave? Stan has loaded so much work on my shoulders that I feel like Dominic the Christmas donkey. I’m so piled up, that my two hour lunch is down to a mere ninety minutes -- I practically have to gulp the third martini down. If I choke on an olive, Stan, it’s your fault! And if that’s not bad enough, the jerk has left me no time for blogging.

Apparently he has no desire to improve the general literacy of the nation. If Stan ruled the world, he would keep us all in darkness. The dumbbell thinks it’s more important for me to inventory the tool crib for nth time versus saving soldiers by forwarding critical chain-emails to seven of my friends. His priorities are all screwed up.

Well now I’m fighting back. This morning I hid in the john (stall 3) for over two hours. Sure my buns were aching, but it’s worth it because I’m teaching Stan a lesson. I didn’t see him this morning anyways; the taskmaster is probably in slave training school.

So Stan, if you’re out there listening, take this blog entry and shove it!

I guess I told him.

PLINKO Saves Auto Industry

Like a cliche in a courtroom drama, Victor Payton, Director of Purchasing at the Chevrolet division of General Motors, burst into the congressional chamber waving a folder in his upraised fist. "F*ck the loan," shouted Payton, "we just integrated Plinko into our supply chain!" Most of the observers stood and cheered, a few looked stunned, and one guy sh*t his pants. For years, the domestic automakers have been searching for the silver bullet that would make them competitive with foreign companies who don't have to deal with health care, unions, safety and environmental regulations, and protective trade laws. Although exact details are sketchy, most analysts feel that having Plinko integrated into the business model will make the domestics competitive once again. Plinko was first introduced on the Price is Right TV game show and has since gained wordlwide fame. Congressional leaders were invited to "try their luck" (although no cars were awarded during the program). First, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) dropped the plinko puck and scored 250. Then Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), a staunch opponent to the bailout package, was given a plinko puck and scored 1000. "This is great! I stand corrected -- I didn't realize how big an *sshole I was." McConnell wrote a check to GM on the spot for a whopping $15 billion dollars. "Who's next?" asked the smiling senator, checkbook in hand.

Fantastic Voyage Crew Stuck in Man’s Anus

The National Inner Human Space Agency (NIHSA) reported today that the crew of Fantastic Voyage spaceship Uranus XIII was lodged precariously in a patient’s anus. Rescue teams have been miniaturized and are currently sailing to the scene. The emergency teams have less than 24 hours to save the crew before the marooned spaceship grows to normal size, potentially enlarging the patient’s anus to a size “not yet seen in any federal prison,” according to Dr. Lionel Bentley, head of the mission.

The problem started when the crew had to be diverted from the normal location of disembarkation -- the tear duct -- because of the patient’s sinus condition. When Dr. Bentley notified Uranus XIII Captain Frank Wilson that the spaceship would have to disembark through the intestines, rectum and anus, the captain replied, “Are you shittin’ me?”

Dr. Bentley said, “Yes.”

The identity of the patient – rumored to be a famous celebrity -- is concealed from the public as required by federal HIPAA laws regarding patient privacy, although a slip-up by Dr. Bentley provided a clue to the patient’s identity. After reporting the case, the doctor reported that the spaceship, now currently the size of a pickle, should be causing the patient some discomfort. Dr, Bentley then stated that, “Mr. Aiken actually seems to be enjoying it.”

Captain Wilson reported that he didn’t think the crew of the spaceship were the first to visit the area. “Apparently, there have been people here before. From my guess, many people.”

Link's Early Retirement Over

Not only is the depressed economy impacting business and consumer spending, now the branches of the U.S. Military and the CIA are seeing their budgets slashed in response to dramatic reductions in defense spending. The cuts have gone so deep that virtually all CIA ground operations have been terminated, including operations in political hotbeds all over the Mideast. Over the past two months, the number of agents deployed in Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan has shrunk from over three hundred to less than twenty, leaving only the minimal number of agents required to enforce treaties.

To stay in the spy game, the CIA has been forced to be creative in recruiting top talent. Last week, the CIA coerced former star agent Lancelot Link back into service. The sixty-three year old chimp, already setting world records for longevity, agreed to patrol unstable Afghanistan and assist where he can.

“I owe a lot to this country,” Lance appeared to say, although his lips were obviously being manipulated by a banana being held out of camera range. As a bonus, the CIA gets a two-for-one deal, as long time helpmate Mata Hairy was thrown in with the deal.

“Hey, Lance! These overzealous Muslim extremists are crazier than a barrel full of monkeys!” chuckled Mata.

Although the CIA could not state exactly how the pair of primates would be dispatched, rumors in Washington have the two involved in the extermination of Bin Laden. Since 9/11, the elusive Al Qaeda leader has avoided justice by hiding out in several of the thousands of caves that lie in the rocky hills of western Afghanistan. The area is ideal for monkey infiltration, although one famous ape casualty has already been reported. Clyde – of “Every Which Way But Loose” fame -- bought the farm when the “gun” pointing at him was a loaded 45 magnum pistol, and not some hillbilly’s index finger.

It's Official: Mustard Bottle Funnier Than Dick Van Dyke

After an intensive three-month study, scientists at the University of Maryland concluded that an empty mustard bottle was marginally funnier than Dick Van Dyke. Researchers at the university confirmed that the mustard bottle performed slightly better than the Fitzwilly star in five out of the seven comprehensive tests. Of the two remaining tests, one was a tie, and the other– who could act more like a funny drunk – went to Van Dyke.

Dr. Richard Lesnar who led the study said that Van Dyke’s role as “Bert” in Mary Poppins caused irreparable damage. “Van Dyke’s affected cockney accent sent an embarrassing shiver down our collective spines. At that point, it was all mustard bottle.”