Israeli Commander Claims: "I Was Just Getting My Ball"

Israeli raids that have left hundreds dead in the Gaza Strip seem to have stemmed from a small misunderstanding. Israeli Colonel Yahim Broda explained to the press this morning that the incessant tank shelling and torpedo attacks were ordered simply to get his ball back.

"I threw my ball over the fence," explained Broda. "I'm just trying to get it back."

Palestian Hammas leader Yemas Chadury called the action "a little overzealous". "If he had called," Chadury stated, "we would have just kicked it back."

"Too late now, I guess," sighed Colonel Broda.

What’s a seven-letter word that means ‘Big Jerk’? It starts with ‘A’ and ends with ‘h-o-l-e’?

My wife is filling out a crossword puzzle and just asked for my help. “What’s a seven-letter word that means ‘Big Jerk’? It starts with ‘A’ and ends with ‘h-o-l-e’”, she said. She said if anyone knows, I should know. Well, I don’t know, so I’m asking for help.

Last week she asked for a four-letter word that means ‘complete raving dipsh*t’. It starts with a ‘G’ and ends in ‘a-r-y’. The only word I could think of was Gary, which is my name. But I couldn’t think of any other words. Maybe someone could help me with that one as well.

Existence of Regis Philbin Casts Intelligent Design Theory in Doubt

Hundreds of religious leaders from around the globe are converging in Geneva this week to address recent attacks on the Intelligent Design (ID) theory, fueled by new evidence of the existence of Regis Philbin. The jolting discovery could jeopardize the popular ID movement. The ID theory has gained momentum in recent years as the counter-argument to the generally accepted Theory of Evolution. Religious leaders supporting Intelligent Design claim that the creation and order of all things could not have happened by accident; some “intelligent” or “divine” being had purposefully designed the universe and its inhabitants.


But in a recent Scientific American article, Dr. Ronald Derek of Johns Hopkins University debunks the theory by proving the existence of talk show host Philbin. “The religious community cannot deny the existence of Regis Philbin.”


Reverend D. Thomas Fitzgerald, considered an expert in ID theory, agreed that the Philbin argument was difficult to resolve. “It certainly shoots down the whole ‘intelligent’ part of the theory,” admitted Fitzgerald. “We’ll need to come up with a new line of bullsh*t.”


But not all religious leaders are giving up so easily. Monsignor Edward Cotton of St. James Parish in Joplin, Missouri claims that the Philbin discovery actually invalidates the Theory of Evolution. “Archeologists are obsessed about finding the famous missing link; the cornerstone of the Theory of Evolution. Well, gentlemen, here he is, and it’s 2008. Explain that,” counters Monsignor Cotton.

My Rotten Boss Gives Me Too Much Work and Keeps Me from Blogging

My boss Stan sure has his nerve. Right when I’m hitting my stride, providing my loyal and intelligent readers with the most up-to-date, hard-hitting news reporting on the web, Stan starts dumping the work on my plate. Do this, do that. What the hell, Stan – am I your g*ddam slave? Stan has loaded so much work on my shoulders that I feel like Dominic the Christmas donkey. I’m so piled up, that my two hour lunch is down to a mere ninety minutes -- I practically have to gulp the third martini down. If I choke on an olive, Stan, it’s your fault! And if that’s not bad enough, the jerk has left me no time for blogging.

Apparently he has no desire to improve the general literacy of the nation. If Stan ruled the world, he would keep us all in darkness. The dumbbell thinks it’s more important for me to inventory the tool crib for nth time versus saving soldiers by forwarding critical chain-emails to seven of my friends. His priorities are all screwed up.

Well now I’m fighting back. This morning I hid in the john (stall 3) for over two hours. Sure my buns were aching, but it’s worth it because I’m teaching Stan a lesson. I didn’t see him this morning anyways; the taskmaster is probably in slave training school.

So Stan, if you’re out there listening, take this blog entry and shove it!

I guess I told him.

PLINKO Saves Auto Industry

Like a cliche in a courtroom drama, Victor Payton, Director of Purchasing at the Chevrolet division of General Motors, burst into the congressional chamber waving a folder in his upraised fist. "F*ck the loan," shouted Payton, "we just integrated Plinko into our supply chain!" Most of the observers stood and cheered, a few looked stunned, and one guy sh*t his pants. For years, the domestic automakers have been searching for the silver bullet that would make them competitive with foreign companies who don't have to deal with health care, unions, safety and environmental regulations, and protective trade laws. Although exact details are sketchy, most analysts feel that having Plinko integrated into the business model will make the domestics competitive once again. Plinko was first introduced on the Price is Right TV game show and has since gained wordlwide fame. Congressional leaders were invited to "try their luck" (although no cars were awarded during the program). First, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) dropped the plinko puck and scored 250. Then Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky), a staunch opponent to the bailout package, was given a plinko puck and scored 1000. "This is great! I stand corrected -- I didn't realize how big an *sshole I was." McConnell wrote a check to GM on the spot for a whopping $15 billion dollars. "Who's next?" asked the smiling senator, checkbook in hand.

Fantastic Voyage Crew Stuck in Man’s Anus

The National Inner Human Space Agency (NIHSA) reported today that the crew of Fantastic Voyage spaceship Uranus XIII was lodged precariously in a patient’s anus. Rescue teams have been miniaturized and are currently sailing to the scene. The emergency teams have less than 24 hours to save the crew before the marooned spaceship grows to normal size, potentially enlarging the patient’s anus to a size “not yet seen in any federal prison,” according to Dr. Lionel Bentley, head of the mission.

The problem started when the crew had to be diverted from the normal location of disembarkation -- the tear duct -- because of the patient’s sinus condition. When Dr. Bentley notified Uranus XIII Captain Frank Wilson that the spaceship would have to disembark through the intestines, rectum and anus, the captain replied, “Are you shittin’ me?”

Dr. Bentley said, “Yes.”

The identity of the patient – rumored to be a famous celebrity -- is concealed from the public as required by federal HIPAA laws regarding patient privacy, although a slip-up by Dr. Bentley provided a clue to the patient’s identity. After reporting the case, the doctor reported that the spaceship, now currently the size of a pickle, should be causing the patient some discomfort. Dr, Bentley then stated that, “Mr. Aiken actually seems to be enjoying it.”

Captain Wilson reported that he didn’t think the crew of the spaceship were the first to visit the area. “Apparently, there have been people here before. From my guess, many people.”

Link's Early Retirement Over

Not only is the depressed economy impacting business and consumer spending, now the branches of the U.S. Military and the CIA are seeing their budgets slashed in response to dramatic reductions in defense spending. The cuts have gone so deep that virtually all CIA ground operations have been terminated, including operations in political hotbeds all over the Mideast. Over the past two months, the number of agents deployed in Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan has shrunk from over three hundred to less than twenty, leaving only the minimal number of agents required to enforce treaties.

To stay in the spy game, the CIA has been forced to be creative in recruiting top talent. Last week, the CIA coerced former star agent Lancelot Link back into service. The sixty-three year old chimp, already setting world records for longevity, agreed to patrol unstable Afghanistan and assist where he can.

“I owe a lot to this country,” Lance appeared to say, although his lips were obviously being manipulated by a banana being held out of camera range. As a bonus, the CIA gets a two-for-one deal, as long time helpmate Mata Hairy was thrown in with the deal.

“Hey, Lance! These overzealous Muslim extremists are crazier than a barrel full of monkeys!” chuckled Mata.

Although the CIA could not state exactly how the pair of primates would be dispatched, rumors in Washington have the two involved in the extermination of Bin Laden. Since 9/11, the elusive Al Qaeda leader has avoided justice by hiding out in several of the thousands of caves that lie in the rocky hills of western Afghanistan. The area is ideal for monkey infiltration, although one famous ape casualty has already been reported. Clyde – of “Every Which Way But Loose” fame -- bought the farm when the “gun” pointing at him was a loaded 45 magnum pistol, and not some hillbilly’s index finger.

It's Official: Mustard Bottle Funnier Than Dick Van Dyke

After an intensive three-month study, scientists at the University of Maryland concluded that an empty mustard bottle was marginally funnier than Dick Van Dyke. Researchers at the university confirmed that the mustard bottle performed slightly better than the Fitzwilly star in five out of the seven comprehensive tests. Of the two remaining tests, one was a tie, and the other– who could act more like a funny drunk – went to Van Dyke.

Dr. Richard Lesnar who led the study said that Van Dyke’s role as “Bert” in Mary Poppins caused irreparable damage. “Van Dyke’s affected cockney accent sent an embarrassing shiver down our collective spines. At that point, it was all mustard bottle.”

Guttenberg Hasn’t Left ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Set Yet.

“It’s OK,” Steve “the Goot” Guttenberg told the “Dancing with the Stars” audience after getting the hook in October 2007. “I’ve made so many good friends, I really hate to leave.”

And he wasn’t kidding. The Goot has been sleeping in vacated dressing rooms and munching on rehearsal buffets at ABC studios for the last fourteen months. Last Friday the producers took action and called in security guards to physically remove him from the premises.

Guttenberg, who starred in such pictures as Police Academy, Police Academy 2, Police Academy 3, and Police Academy 4 was elated to be asked on the show in 2007. However, by the fourth week, he was voted off.

Prior to receiving an invitation to compete on the show, the Goot was fighting a year-long battle with depression, realizing that neither Single Santa Meets Mrs. Claus (2004) or Meet the Santas (2005) -- he played the role of “Nick” in both films – would have the holiday impact of “The Grinch” or “A Christmas Carol”. So after joining “Dancing”, the Goot immersed himself into learning the Tango and Paso Doblé moves that could launch a potential second career in the world of dance. Unfortunately, an abject lack of talent led to an early exit on the program.

However, the Goot expressed no sorrow in losing; in fact, his demeanor remained so rosy that the judges apologized for their negative, but fully justified, criticism.

“E’s a great bloke!” said Len Goodman, one of the judges. “Bit of a shame ‘e couldn’t cut the bangers and mash, eh Guvner?”

But the Goot is not washed up, like everybody thinks. He has come to terms with his Santa trauma, and has even volunteered to star as Nick again, if anyone wants to make another Christmas special.

No replies as yet.

Rob Gulley's "The Cemetery Precincts" Debuts in Royal Oak

SHOCKING!

FRIGHTENING!

BONE-CHILLING!

Yes, these are words used to describe former Match Game 74 "celebrity" Marcia Wallace.

However, if you've got the nerve for something ALMOST as horrific, I urge you to double park your hearse in front of the Main Theater in Royal Oak this Tuesday (11/11) to witness the ZOMBIE show, sponsored by the Mitten Movie project. This post-Halloween collection of over 13 local shockshorts is guaranteed to soil your diaper!

Rob Gulley, who directed arguably the best episode of the local cult sci-fi hit "InZero" teams up with Michael Einheiser to bring you the first politico / zombie horror picture ever made: The Cemetery Precincts. Find out what happens when a couple of political dirty-tricksters try to exploit the real "silent majority" for their nefarious deeds.

For further info on this fright night, click here:
http://www.absolutemichigan.com/dig/michigan/spotlight-the-mitten-movie-project-presents-zombie-night-a-night-of-independent-zombie-films/

LangFilms is currently working with the Gulley / Einheiser team to bring the Gene Rayburn Branch Chipper story to the scream screen (see below). So keep this BLOGSPOT BOOKMARKED!

LangFilms Publishes New Bush Autobiography

NOVEMBER 2008 -- The multimedia conglomerate LangFilms will publish President George W. Bush's autobiography entitled "Things Like God and Such of Which I am Thankful For".

According to sources near Bush, the President was envious of the books President-elect Obama had authored, and decided he could whip one up just as good, if not better. "Mine will have much bigger letters for easier reading," boasted Bush.

The twenty-nine page work recounts Bush's childhood, his college days, his three days in the Air Force National Guard, his family life, and his utterly failed presidency.

You may not know that Bush, a deeply religious man, wrote several personal prayers, many of which are sprinkled throughout the book. Here is a sample:

"Every night I pray to you, hoping that you hear me, too. If you're not too busy and have some time, howzabout a miracle, that would be fine."

Bush hopes that nuggets like these inspire people to greater things. In fact, Bush is donating all proceeds from the book to the U. S. Treasury. At $10 a pop, he expects to sell over 70 billion, which would get us out of our current financial crisis.

On his website, the President hints that these books would make great Xmas stocking stuffers. Most agree that this book should be stuffed.

Weekend At Rayburn's

Lang Jeffries Jr., noted scenarist and CEO of entertainment empire LangFilms announced today that he has completed his latest script entitled “Lemon Grove Kids Screw Around With a Branch Chipping Machine”. The short will begin production late November.

In this hilarious installment, Gene Rayburn plays Bernie McGuffin, a local candy shop owner who dies of a heart attack in his store. The twist here is that Rayburn is really dead (1999). The kids drag the Match Game corpse all around Los Angeles and place him in all sorts of crazy, outrageous situations (restaurant, hardware store, etc.). Gene accidentally ends up being shredded to pieces in a branch chipping machine when the boys forget to remove him from the front lawn.

It’s a laff riot from start to finish! Ray Dennis Steckler has been signed to star as “Old Gopher”. A special song called “Pieces of Gene” has been written especially for this Oscar-worthy picture.

Gene Facts:
Name Change: Gene Rayburn’s real name is Eugene Rubessa; his father was an immigrant from Croatia

Paging Gene! Gene was one of the first NBC TV Studio pages (as was Dave Garroway!)

Pre-Rock Era: Gene was the original announcer on the Tonight Show (with Steve Allen)

Got a light? The first version of Match Game debuted in 1962 and ran until 1969

De Plane, De Boat! Gene starred in one episode of Fantasy Island and three episodes of The Love Boat.

Let’s Get Hitched: Gene was married for 56 years. His wife died in 1992

Kids Prefer Santa over Jesus Ten to One

Parents, keep those receipts! You may be surprised about what the kids want in their Christmas socks this year.

As the 2009 Holiday season approaches, retailers need to know whether they should stock more religious products or toys. June Fredley, Senior Vice President of Purchasing at Target stores states, "With the belt-tightening going on, we don't have the luxury of being wrong this year."

A recent Harris poll shows that kids prefer Santa to Jesus by a stunning 10 to one margin. Most kids aged five to twelve aren't even sure who Jesus is; 23% per cent of the respondents thought Jesus Christ was cable TV's Dog Whisperer.

In practical terms, the research means retailers will replace their shelves of crucifixes and bibles with video games and Spongebob Squarepants merchandise. "It's a shame, really," said Kmart Toy Department Manager Sid Beltman. "We thought the manger scenes were going to sell like hotcakes this year."

Experts explain that the recent trend from religious products to secular goods is due to several factors:

• Religious shows on TV have been replaced with secular programs like CSI, America's Next Top Model, and Deal or No Deal


• Parents prefer go to shopping malls instead of church during the holiday season


• Scientific evidence shows that Christmas should take place in May instead of late December

"I think when a kid prefers a Bratz doll to a ceramic statue of the Virgin Mary, we have to ask ourselves if the spirit of Christmas has taken the wrong direction," lamented Father John Renzi of Saint James Church in Pittsburgh.

"Deal or No Deal" Banker Implicated in Market Collapse

He lurks on the second floor of an NBC sound stage. No one has seen him; no one knows his name. He communicates only by telephone. A shadowy stranger whose secret identity is maintained by those who profit from his activity.

But now the House subcommittee on Financial oversight would like to have a few words with the mystery financier. Allegations have placed the man known only as "the Banker", co-star of the hit TV game show "Deal or No Deal", at the heart of the financial mess that has caused the stock market to drop to levels not seen since the depression.

A letter sent from Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) to House Finance Committee Chairman Henry Waxman (D-District of Columbia), urged that the probe should focus on the banker's irresponsible spending. According to the letter, NBC claims that the Banker has given away over $20 million dollars to perfect strangers -- without checking collateral. When this website asked NBC how much of the $20 million they expect to get back, the spokesman, plainly embarrassed, said "Nothing. Not a dime."

Experts blame the market collapse on three critical factors:

• Large financial companies holding a significant amount of securities backed by sub-prime mortgages
• Lack of administrative oversight over both the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae agencies
• The urge to hang with Howie Mandel

Treasury Secretary Pauslon has taken steps to ensure that the billions earmarked for the bail-out don't wind up on the show. "We don't want to put taxpayer's money in some poor shlep's case," stated Paulson.

In Memoriam:

Dolemite star Rudy Ray Moore received the Lord’s final kung-fu chop and passed away from complications due to diabetes on October 19. He was 81 years old.

Although already a star on the adult comedy LP circuit, Rudy struck black gold with his 1975 epic “Dolemite”, a film based on a character he created in his comedy routine.

The title character Dolemite, is a pimp, released from prison to help clean-up his crime-ridden neighborhood. Dolemite wants to pick up where he left off, but gangsta Willie Green, played by director D’urville Martin, is muscling in on his territory. The struggle becomes an ordeal, as corrupt white cops try to frame him back into the pen.

In the middle of the film, Moore performs one of his old comedy bits called “Shine and the Titanic”. This is classic Moore: almost unintelligible and wholly unfunny in a jaw-dropping way.

Based on the success of the Dolemite, Moore completed several other pictures in the 70’s including “Disco Godfather”, and “Petey Wheatstraw, the Devil’s Son-in-law”. All of Moore’s films feature cheap production, monumentally bad acting (particularly Moore’s), dialog sprinkled heavily with four-letter words, and kung-fu.

Prior to movie stardom, Moore made his mark with the adult comedy LP, wih such classics as: “This Ain’t No White Christmas”, and “Sweet Peter Jeeter”. Noted rappers such as Snoop Dogg and Big Daddy Kane cite Moore as the inspiration for their careers.

Memories of Rudy Ray Moore:
Lang Jr.:
“Dolemite played a prominent role during one of our golf trips, as the charming chant “G*ddam Willie Green!” could be heard over four fairways away. He will be missed!”

Glenn E. recollects:
“…if I hear anyone criticizing Rudy's acting, that motherf***** will receive a karate blow right between the crotch of their leisure suit.”

Jim Z. notes:
“[Moore] was an historic figure in our lives…”

Please use this blog to post any additional personal memories of this unheralded legend.

Elvis: What Happened?

I just finished this tell-all book based on stories from three of Elvis’s personal friends and bodyguards, Red West, his brother Sonny West, and Dave Hebler. This insider’s view of the very eccentric Elvis is fascinating. (The photo shows Red West watching while Elvis signs an autograph).

In the book, we learn:
· After his stint in the Army, Elvis got hooked on uppers. Later in the sixties, he started taking downers to get to sleep. At the time he died, he was a veritable mixing bowl of prescription drugs.
· Once, when he was high, Elvis ordered a “hit” on Mike Stone, the man Priscilla Presley left Elvis for.
· Elvis often went on car buying sprees giving new Cadillacs away to total strangers.
· Elvis was a certifiable gun nut.

Red West wrote several songs for Elvis. Who can forget:
· That’s Someone You Never Forget
· You’ll Be Gone
· Seeing is Believing
And these seasonal favorites:
· Holly Leaves and Christmas Trees
· If Every Day Was Like Christmas
You can listen to samples of both songs at:
http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Peace/dp/B00138F2V0/ref=pd_sim_dmt_dmusic_1


You can get the full Red West songwriting story from:
http://www.elvis.com.au/presley/red_west_writing_for_the_king.shtml

Believe it or not, this book is difficult to obtain -- it was released about week before the King passed away! If you want to read it, please let me know!

Surprisingly, Red (still with us!) wrote no songs for the Turkish Wizard of Oz. But if you want to see how awful that film is, I recommend you follow this link. The Wizard’s lair is not to be believed!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7a5DCuxJP4

ALVIN SUES THIS BLOGSITE!

On October 20, Alvin Seville filed a libel suit against this blog site http://crummyandhardtofind.blogspot.com . Seville, former lead singer of the group “Alvin and the Chipmunks” is seeking damages of $300,000, claiming the website has been publishing false statements that have impacted his solo nightclub act. Alvin also accuses site owner Lang Jeffries Jr. of ruining his dry cleaning business. According to Jeffries, the site does not carry adequate blogging insurance

Word on the street is that Langfilms, the motion picture distribution company owned by Lang Jeffries Jr., refused to buy Alvin’s self-serving autobiographical screen treatment titled “Alvin:That’s the Way it is”. Per the screen play, Alvin himself had masterminded the trio’s success but was eventually “pushed out” by bad decisions made by others, including gay brother Simon.

However, Alvin’s former bodyguard Red “Nutty” East confirms the statements made in Lang’s blog with his own recent tell-all book, “Alvin: What Happened”. Nutty paints a picture of a spoiled superstar who had the spotlight way too early in life. As the trio’s popularity waned in the mid-seventies, Alvin went deep into booze and drugs, and was ultimately arrested for beating his wife while intoxicated. Nutty also claims to possess videos of Alvin hibernating with married Chippettes. The book further accuses Seville of digging up other rodent’s nuts.

Singing Chipmunk Dead at 58

After a five-year battle with AIDS, Simon Seville passed away on October 9th. He was fifty-eight (in human years).

Seville was one third of the famous "Alvin and the Chipmunks" singing trio, the most widely known cartoon act in the entertainment business. In Spring 1958, the group scored a major hit with "The Witch Doctor", followed by "The Chipmunk Song (or "Christmas Don't Be Late") that fall.

Alvin and the Chipmunks became megastars with their own hit TV show in 1961. Their success was compounded with several follow-up TV series, recordings and personal appearances. Licensing deals, negotiated by their human father, netted the group millions of dollars in the early sixties. It seemed everything they touched turned to Chipmunk gold.

However, in the 1970's, their popularity began to sink, and things began to unravel. In 1972, Theodore was busted for smuggling dope from Mexico and served six months in federal prison. Alvin, unaccustomed to being out of the limelight, took to boozing heavily and in 1974, was arrested for DUI. A few months later, the former leader of the trio was charged with domestic abuse. Then in Fall 1976, the three chipmunks sued former manager and "Dad" David Seville for misuse of funds and embezzlement. The case was settled out of court, but Dad was out.

With this bedlam taking place, Simon, the "thoughtful" chipmunk, came out of the closet. He held a press conference in June 1977, informing his fans that he was gay.

Friends and family reacted to the news sympathetically with the exception of Alvin who accused Simon of being a "fruit" and a "nut gatherer". Friends close to Simon said he was hurt deeply by Alvin's cruelty. The brothers became estranged, with Theodore acting as the go-between on several occasions. They grudgingly reconciled to eke out a meager living on the nightclub circuit.

The trio that had once been coined the "Cartoon Kings of America", were now working lounges to make ends meet. Occasionally, they were booked as a novelty act in Vegas. Still, Alvin refused to sleep in the same room as Simon, complaining he could not sleep with his butt down all night, "for his protection".

Then in 2003, Simon was diagnosed with the HIV virus and began taking medication to stave off the inevitable. Alvin went on record to say that this was a sign from God punishing Simon for his deviate behavior. Without the support of his brother, insiders say Simon was giving up.

However in 2005, the Chipmunks were offered a movie deal. Alvin, now desperate for cash, jumped at the offer. But Simon, barely able to keep his head upright, refused to participate if Alvin was involved. Alvin quickly apologized to Simon for his former actions, claiming he was under the influence of alcohol when he made the remarks. Friends of Simon claim Alvin was acting insincerely and made the apology just to get the gig. But Simon forgave his brother wholeheartedly, and the movie, which grossed over eighty million dollars, nearly brought the trio back to their former status.

But it was too late for Simon to enjoy the resurgence. Friends say that the movie took a lot out of him, and he collapsed two months after the film was released. His closest pals, Snagglepuss and Leonardo (of "Clyde Crashcup" fame), were at his deathbed, and wept as their friend passed gently to the next world.

"He was one hell of a rodent," whimpered Snagglepuss. "He held on to the end. That Alvin business took a lot out of him and I think in the end, he just gave up. Exit, stage north!"

“Santa Lang” to the rescue: Early Xmas for Sudanese Orphans!

Responding to a United Nations plea to support Sudanese orphans displaced by the country’s devastating civil war, Lang Jeffries Jr., chairman of the vast entertainment conglomerate Langfilms, is doing his part. “Never too busy to pitch in,” claims the modest multimedia mogul.

Exploiting his network of famous celebrities, Lang Jr, discovered that Bob Denver’s web site was running a surplus of “Skipper” Christmas Ornaments in its inventory. Round-the-clock negotiations were fruitful; Lang was able to obtain several million of the ornaments for pennies on the dollar. In early December, he will begin airlifting crates chock-full of these Xmas goodies into the country, distributing to any and all children who escape the potential crippling effects caused by the Xmas goody crate-dropping.

The Sudanese government, oblivious to this show of magnanimity, has requested much-needed food instead of xmas tree decorations. But leave it to Lang to defend his action. “How can you decorate your Tannenbaum with a few cups of dried rice?”

Lang, you've stumped us there!

Free Beer, Free Alcohol

Lang Jr. Here -- I'm intrigued by the way Google AdSense scours my blog for keywords which in turn trigger related ads to appear on the blog. When I wrote about Tea Cozies, I got Tea ads, when I wrote about Jesus, I got religious ads. When I wrote about TCM, I got TCM ads.

So now I'm performing a little test to see if there are any ads for free beer or free alcohol. Free Beer. Free Booze. Free alcohol. I'm pasting it all over the site. Free Free Free. Booze Booze Booze. My graphic sez it all: Free Beer!

Advertise here! Free Beer. Free booze -- let's see what happens!

New Puzzle Sensation: Ed-Oku!

A Puzzlement. When you run a vast entertainment conglomerate, you can’t waste precious time on newspaper puzzles that take hours to complete. Such was the issue faced by Lang Jeffries, Jr., Board Chairman of Langfilms, Inc. “I love Sudoku,” admitted Lang. “But I can’t waste hours solving puzzles when I have a vast entertainment conglomerate to run.” So Lang did what any board chairman of a vast entertainment conglomerate would do: he hired a mathematical and linguistic über-genius to create a brand new puzzle that would fit his busy lifestyle.

Enter Ed-oku. So the über-genius went to work. After thousands of hours of laborious research, mathematical and linguistic über-genius Ed Engman created a new spin on the Sudoku puzzle. By eliminating eight of the nine 9 X 9 cell squares, and then placing subtle hints in the remaining cells, a Sudoku puzzle that used to take an hour to complete now takes about ten minutes. Lang was so taken with the new puzzle, he christened it “Ed-oku” in honor of the inventor. “I’m flattered, said über-genius Engman.

Instructions: Like Sudoku, the object is to fill the empty cells with numbers, one through nine, and each number can only be used once. With subtle hints (usually three of four numbers, depending on the complexity of the puzzle), the user tries to determine how to fill in the other squares. According to Lang, “It only took minutes to learn”.

The Next Rubik’s Cube. Like its ancestor, Sudoku, Ed-oku is poised to be the next big thing. Puzzle experts say it has the potential of becoming the next Rubik’s cube. Regardless of the runaway success of the puzzle, inventor Engman remains modest. “I’m just like any other über-genius,” says Ed, modestly.

For Those Who Think Dumb

I caught the last hour of the 1964 classic "For Those Who Think Young" tonight on TCM. Generously awarded one star, this teenage drive-in pic features fey fussbudget Paul Lynde, a young Ellen Burstyn (using the name Ellen McRae), the spectacularly unfunny Woody Woodbury ("It's Woody's Weedin' Time") and an unbilled combo whose 30 second number sets a record for forgetability. Not enough? How about a brunette Nancy Sinatra, a hot Tina Louise, and Bob Denver as "Kelp"?

And like seaweed, this film belongs at the bottom of the ocean floor. Highlight is Denver's face-painted "singing" chin filmed upside down (inspiration for Sir Ghastly's "The Blob"?). According to Denver, his head was wrapped in so many towels, he had trouble lip-syncing because he couldn't hear the music. What price Hollywood?

I urge you to get pencil and paper and record this important information: You can purchase a Christmas ornament with the Skipper's caricature on it from Bob's website (in the Gilligan's Gift Gallery, of course!)! Here's where to order:

http://www.bobdenver.com/Gilligan_s_Gift_Gallery/Gilligan_Goodies/castawaygilligan_goodies.html

POLISH ASTRONAUTS CAN'T FIND MOON

HOUSTON (API) -- NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that Poland’s first lunar mission was terminated after the astronauts got lost on their way to the moon.

“When we left, it was crescent shaped,” said a bewildered Stosh Jaworski, captain of the wayward Polish Spaceship Jablonski III. The U.S. Air Force fished Jaworski and co-pilot Lech Wisznewski out of Lake Erie after the duo failed to navigate back to their home base in Warsaw. “We couldn't find dat, eeder,” said Wisznewski.

U.S. Air Force Captain A. Stephen McNeil tracked the entire mission from NASA Space Control in Houston. “First, they had to scrub the original launch last Monday because Kowalski forgot his helmet. Then on Tuesday there was a two-hour delay because they got stuck at seventeen during the countdown,” said McNeil. “It’s like watching 2001: A Space Odyssey. Not the space part, the part when the chimps see the big black door.”

Poland’s space program has had its fits and starts since 1972 when they first attempted the launch of a spy satellite. “They had invented a camera that could focus on the end of a pin from 100 miles into space,” claims McNeil. “They launched the satellite, and then realized they forgot to load film into the camera.”

Poland has planned a re-launch for next fall. “We got new maps,” said Dr. Josef Javorsky, Chief Rocket Scientist at Krakow University.

Turkish Wizard of Oz

Gang: I came across this rare lobby card of "The Turkish WIzard of Oz".

Enjoy!

Exploitation Film Treasure Chest!

Occasionally, I pop by one of my sponsors to check out the goods. Recently, I've been getting ads from "Lago Video Entertainment", so I thought I'd make a visit.

This online alternative vid store features about forty of the goofiest titles I've ever seen. I'm familiar with a few of them (for example, The Wild, Wild World of Jayne Mansfield), but most of them I'd never seen or heard of.

How about the Turkish Wizard of Oz, or The Green Slime? They specialize in hard to find, made-for-TV movies (maybe a non-home-recorded version of Condominium? Alas, no). But if you are trying to track down Killdozer, Manbeast or The Arousers (with Tab Hunter!), you've found your source!

At any rate, there are enough great obscure titles to satiate the taste of any jaundiced exploitation fan. Check them out at: http://www.lagovideodvd.com/

FIRST DOCUMENTARY RELEASE BY LANGFILMS!

Langfilms, a division of the incredibly vast entertainment conglomerate owned and operated by Lang Jeffries, Jr., proudly announces their first foray into documentary filmmaking with the inaugural release, “Sam Sphincter: Man of Vision”.

The fantastic story follows the life of Samuel P. Sphincter, the famous prognosticator whose predictions came true with an incredible accuracy rate of 98%! This modern-day Nostradamus had a twist: he predicted things that would happen in the PAST.

The adventure begins after Sam was struck on the head with a rock – thrown by his mother. “I was aiming at his a*shole father,” claims Mom. After the accident, Sam began seeing visions (mainly from his television set). Shortly thereafter, he began astounding friends with his uncanny ability to predict past events with pinpoint precision. Among his many incredible visages:

· The United States will engage in a War Between the States which will end in 1865 with many lives lost.

· The Japanese will bomb Pearl Harbor in or around December, 1941.

· There will be a fast food restaurant called McDonalds. One day they will serve Chicken NcNuggets – all white meat.

Despite his unusual ability, he did mess up on a few facts. He stated that the huge ocean liner that would sink in 1912 would be called the “Atlantic” (actually, it was the “Titanic” -- it did however sink in the Atlantic Ocean!)

According to the film, which is currently being edited, Sphincter parlayed his prognostications into a successful career with the circus. His famous “Abe Lincoln will be assassinated” proclamation in 1965 stunned many, as it occurred exactly 100 years after the event took place!

‘It was a chilling moment,” recalled former ringmaster Johnny Tremayne.

Langfilms has already shot several hundred minutes of documentary footage, including interviews with close friends and associates. Per Lang, the documentary will shed new light on the mysterious career of this amazing oracle. Worldwide excitement is mounting, and producer Jeffries is being flooded daily with phone calls and emails regarding the film’s release.

“We’re trying hard to squeeze as much through this Sphincter thing that we can,” said the famous filmmaker.

NEW BIBLE BOOK TELLS ALL!

It's no secret that the chroniclers of the New Testament -- Matthew, Mark, Luck, and John -- have focused on "the juicy parts" of the story of Jesus; there are places all over the bible where we witness their lack of interest in the more mundane aspects of Jesus's life. Take for example this excerpt from John 11:44-45:

"And Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, etc., etc."

As the world knows, there are entire years of his life that go undocumented in the good book, particularly that segment when he wanders into the desert.

But recently, rigorous research into these missing years have been unearthed in the Dead Sea Scrolls. And a new book documenting that research, "Forgotten Miracles of Jesus" gives us the whole story!

After his failed apprenticeship in carpentry (he constantly complained about removing slivers), Jesus went into the desert to refine his God-given talents. Not satisfied with bending spoons and guessing people's weight, Jesus worked diligently on perfecting increasingly more difficult miracles. Among those newly revealed miracles, we discover that Jesus:

• Received a radio signal through a kid's tooth filling
• Made a circus elephant take a bow
• Created Tide with Super-stain Fighting Bleach Particles

Although not as complex as feeding 5,000 followers with a single fish and a loaf of bread, Christ's early works clearly indicate he was on the path to greater things.

The book contains over twenty-seven action packed miracles and features a "Christ Challenges" Sudoku puzzle. Makes a great stocking-stuffer!

CONTEST OVER: NO WINNER THIS TIME!

Nobody guessed the correct answer to the Kissin’ Cousins Song Contest, so the $1,000 prize will be awarded at a contest some time in the future.

The correct answer was “Let’s Get Hitched”, which is an Elvis-movie like song penned by yours truly. All the other songs (including the awful ‘Pappy, Won’t You Please Come Home’) were featured in the movie.

Now, I’m no Red West, but I think this song is real ear-candy; it’s also generic enough to have been included (and immediately forgotten) in any Elvis film.

Lyrics from the song "Let's Get Hitched"

by Lang Jeffries, Jr.

You and me, we should get married
Better do it before we’re buried
Two lovebirds, that’s me and you
Let’s get hitched, it’s what lovebirds do
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched

You be the goat, I’ll be the goat herder-er
Don’t worry, babe, I’m no ax murderer
I did kill a guy once, his name was Fred Maxident
Let’s get hitched, cuz that was an accident
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched

Let’s get hitched, it’s really cool
Let’s get hitched, don’t be a fool
Let’s get hitched,
Does that look like blood in my stool?

Fred’s wife just called, I’m getting sued
So don’t give me any sh*t about not being in the mood,
Unless you’d like your head split with an ax,
Let’s get hitched, cuz I’m hearing voices now
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched
Let’s get hitched
Baby, baby, let’s get hitched!

Copyright 2008 Jenius-at-work Music

Go West, young man! Red West, that is!

If you've seen as many Elvis films as I have, certain patterns begin to expose themselves. One of these patterns is Elvis's pal and bodyguard, Red West.

Robert "Red" West appeared in sixteen of Elvis' 33 feature films, all in some minor role. In "Harum Scarum", Red played one of the assassins (he would eventually be karate-chopped into submission by the King). In "Tickle Me" he plays a jealous boyfriend who starts a bar fight. (Ambivalence about a "Deliverance" type of role must have kept him out of "Kissin' Cousins.") West also wrote songs for Elvis, Pat Boone, Ricky Nelson and Johnny Rivers! (credit to IMDB).

Red was unforgettable in Clambake. During the worst Elvis musical number ever recorded -- Confidence -- he played a Good Humor man who takes a rubber-tipped arrow in the forehead (maybe it was headed for Elvis). That's what I call a pal.

Pal or not, Elvis's dad eventually canned West and two of his bodyguard buddies as being a little too aggressive in beating Presley's crazed fans back. You can read about it in Red's book: "Elvis: What Happened" (seriously!). Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Elvis-What-Happened-Sonny-Hebler/dp/B000I17ZIQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219624457&sr=8-2

Red has an entry in Wikipedia, in which we learn he is also good friends with Robert Conrad. Quite a coincidence, as I've been told I look like William Conrad (with glasses).

Why You Gotta Love Sam Katzman!

More to come on the Elvis / Sam Katzman collaborations, but here's a sample of producer Katzman's notorious frugality.

In "Kissin' Cousins" Elvis played Lieutenant Josh Morgan AND his country cousin Jody (in his fey Charles Nelson Reilly-inspired look from the film, below right).

In order to make the effect believable, doubles had to be used. But in the musical finale, they weren't trying very hard. Notice "Jody" in the red circle. Christ, they didn't even try to match hairstyles! (Click to enlarge photo).

Steckler SeQUAL

Sorry for the lack of recent posts; on vacation and whatnot. I'm also working on a dynamite piece featuring BOTH Elvis and Sam Katzman -- NOT TO BE MISSED!

Exciting news to report on, however! Even though no one entered the contest for the free T-shirt, Lang scored his own personal t-shirt ("The Master Would Not Be Pleased"), a birthday gift from the Tea Lady herself...therefore a plug is in order! Visit her at: http://barbsteashop.blogspot.com/

The T-shirt enhances my svelte figure, particularly the beer gut, which expands this website's URL (very handy!)

TCM note: Though TCM has dumped their usual Friday night goodies in August, they pick up again in September. Set the DVR for 2:00 a.m. on Friday September 5, and record the DOUBLE STECKLER BILL of Incredibly Strange Creatures, followed immediately by Rat Pfink a Boo Boo.

ALSO, the picture above is taken from Steckler's latest Opus, "One More Time", a non-sequal sequal [the Steckler spelling of "sequel"] to Incredibly Strange (that's Steckeler himself in the blue hoodie). The non-autographed version is $20.00 plus $3.00 shipping, while the autographed version is...oh, $20.00, plus $3.00 shipping. Go directly to http://www.raydennissteckler.com/ , if you dare!

Shocking NBC Study Exposed! The Truth Behind the Leno Departure!

"A Slap in the face of every corpse in America!"

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Crummyandhardtofind has uncovered shocking evidence behind next summer’s sacking of Tonight Show host Jay Leno. According to a confidential study obtained by CAHTF, NBC is dumping the lantern-jawed host because demographics show his viewership is dying off at an alarming rate. The network predicts that by March 2009, only 1,840 Leno fans are expected to be alive, and by the July transition, only 57 senior stragglers will still be drawing breath.

Leno was Johnny Carson’s hand-picked successor for the popular Tonight Show when Carson retired in 1992. It was a controversial choice, as Carson bypassed the funnier, edgier Dave Letterman, who would have brought with him a younger demographic. According to the study, the few people who found Leno funny in 1992 were already in their seventies and most didn’t get Letterman’s jokes.

But NBC seems to be neglecting Leno’s potential larger audience – dead people. Former Love Boat star Bernie Kopell is the spokesman for Silent Majority, a Political Action Group based in Washington, D.C. which champions the rights of dead people. (Kopell was selected because of his death-like appearance).

“It’s all about the money,” stated Kopell. “The big networks are unashamedly pandering to living viewers in response to recent consumer studies that show that living viewers outspend their dead counterparts by a ratio of 100 to 0. If you ask me, this is a slap in the face to every corpse in America.”

NBC Vice-president of Programming Bill Fredly responded to the accusation. “Dead people still have The Price is Right and Jimmy Kimmel. As such, we don’t feel we need to compete for that market at this time.”

Silent Majority is considering litigation against NBC to test recent legislation that prohibits discrimination against the dead.

CAHTF will stay on top of this burning controversy and bring you the latest news at it happens.

Lang Accepts Honor

HOLLYWOOD (AP) -- If you're driving through Tinseltown, looking for Hollywood and Vine, then reload your GPS -- you won't find it. To honor the world famous scenarist, the Mayor of Hollywood, Johnny Grant, has decreed that "henceforth from this day forward, we are changing Vine Street to Lang Jeffries Jr. Avenue."

According to Grant, the honor recognizes Lang's contribution to the motion picture industry. "His legacy, particularly the Lemon Grove Kids's scripts, will live on in perpetuity," said Grant at a press conference today.

After the announcement, several Japanese tourists took photos of the newly minted street sign. "Langee Junior big genius boss!" exclaimed one of the happy orientals.

After the parade, a humble Lang Jr. thanked the Mayor and the several thousand that came to cheer. "It's quite a thrill," stated Lang, who had earlier that month recommended that they change the city name from Jeffrieswood back to Hollywood.

Steak -- Rare!

How many times has Ray Dennis Steckler lost a leading man? We learned in "Wild Guitar" that the actor signed to play tough guy "Steak" walked out at the last minute; Steckler had to step in. Now we find out in Steckler's 1969 abomination "Body Fever", that again his leading man walked off the set. Fortunately, Steckler was there again to save the day. Was it coincidence that the lead character, Private Eye Charlie Smith, made love to three separate women in the film (including wife Carolyn Brandt?)

"Body Fever" -- which for some reason is titled "Super Cool" in the film -- is, like the recent "No Country for Old Men", a story about a drug deal gone wrong. The lead baddie is named "Big Mack" (Steckler apparently was eating at McDonalds while writing the script). Like Coleman Francis's "Red Zone Cuba", the film is pretty much a mess, but about two thirds of the way through, Steckler voices over an explanation of what's been going on (Coleman, incidentally, plays "Coley", Smith's friend, who used to own a laundromat. The business is closed and the washers and dryers are gone, but Coley, nostalgic for clean underwear and the smell of bleach, can't seem to leave the place).

There's much to send an embarrassing chill down your spine. At one point, Steckler/Smith walks past a movie theater with pictures of Humphrey Bogart on display. Charlie Smith asks himself, "What would Bogie do?" Well, first, Bogie would file suit against Stecker for un-authorized use of his image.

I rented the film from Netflix because it contained the rare Steckler's short entitled "Goof on the Loose" (not to be confused with the Three Stooges's short "Goofs on the Loose"). This is an eight minute film made by Steckler in 1964, dedicated to the silent film comedians of yesteryear. The short starts out with "goof" (Bert Van Leu) looking over the fence of "Mrs. Bait's [sic] Home for the Fruity". It's supposed to be a take-off on "Psycho", but "Psycho" was funnier. The film then becomes an idiotic home-movie with all the Steckler Lemon Grove regulars making an appearance, including Carolyn Brandt. (Based on Stecker's commentary, the "Cee Bee" in her Cee Bee Beaumont character stands for Brandt's initials).

In other news, the seventy year-old Steckler has completed an "extension" to his 1964 Classic "Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living". According to his website, Stecker "has made this movie for his fans, friends and family. Steckler never wanted to make a sequal [sic] to "Incredibly Strange Creatures"...would Orsen [sic] Wells [sic] want to make a sequal [sic] to "Citizen Kane"?”Of course not!!! Originals should be left alone. This movie is just an extension of Steckler's life and work 45 years later." Whatever.

Contest Winner!!!

OK, folks -- Manos won "Hands-down" in our crummyandhardtofind T-shirt contest. Unfortunately, the only suggestion I received was for a New Year's Hat. I also received a comment from "Sackmouth", but apparently he was only making "comments". (Oh, Ya!)

But for those who have collected enough Kroger Bux, now is the time to cash them in! This beautiful shirt featuring everyone's favorite Satyr "Torgo" is available to the first blogger who has collected 5,000 Kroger Bux.

The shirt is made of 100% cotton with the crummyandhardtofind URL prominently displayed. Makes a great Christmas gift!

HOMICIDAL on TCM this month

Gimmick-meister William Castle produced and directed the Psycho rip-off Homicidal in 1961. In this picture, Castle inserted a 45-second "fright break" prior to the climactic scene in the picture. For those who couldn't stand the shock, yellow arrows were painted on the theater floor showing wimpy patrons the way to the "coward's corner" where they could get a refund.

The film is actually not bad, and the tension does mount prior to the "fright break". However, Castle missed the real opportunity; had he combined his efforts with the producers of the previously posted picture (see below), he would have created "Everything's Homicidal", the first film about a deranged duck named Scuttlebutt who murders people that make fun of his quack.

Everything's Fowl

I was lucky(?) to get home last night to catch the 1961 ham-a-thon Everything’s Ducky. This low-budget comedy features Buddy Hackett and Mickey Rooney as sailors who befriend a talking duck named “Scuttlebutt”. The duck has memorized the formula for a special rocket fuel, and the Navy brass want to extract it from Scuttlebutt’s brain.

Predictably, Hackett and Rooney do their best to save the duck. They hide from their superior officers, lie to them, and fool them; but instead of waterboarding the two tars, their commanders allow them to wander around the base, at one point even recruiting their secretary to “spy” on the pair.

There are funny parts: when Hackett and Rooney try to teach the duck to swim, someone is obviously pulling the duck’s head in the water with a string. But mostly there are unfunny parts. Particularly dull is when the boys try to teach Scuttlebutt to quack.

Richard Deacon (Lumpy’s dad) finally decodes the formula, saving Scuttlebutt’s life, but too late -- the duck has been selected as a test animal for a space mission. Still intent on saving the bird, Hackett and Rooney slip past NASA security (please don’t show the Al-Qaeda how this is done!) and end up in the space capsule with Scuttlebutt. The movie abruptly ends as Rooney, Hackett and Scuttlebutt float around weightless. They apparently survive, as they team up two years later in Mad Mad World (except for Scuttlebutt).

Contest and Book Review

Well, folks -- the contest is going along SWIMMINGLY although we have yet to receive any comments or recommendations about other lines that would fit this site. Voting is strong; the only featured line from "Manos" is leading the voting right now.

BOOK REVIEW: For those who can't get enough Ed Wood, I recommend Ed's sin city primer "Hollywood Rat Race". Written circa 1965, this is a slim volume of advice for those who are considering moving to Hollywood to make it big as a movie star. To save you the reading, Ed's advice is: Don't.

I had my suspicions about whether or not Wood had actually written the book. It was published in 1998, four years after the release of the Tim Burton movie -- the "peak" of the Wood resurgence. There is a line in the book that predicts the moon landing "in a few years" (maybe Criswell helped). And there are several odd references to Angora sweaters, which seems to be overdoing it a bit.

But the book is goofy in the right places: Regardless of the subject of the chapter, Wood will interject some story of one of his actor pals that may or may not be relevant. In the chapter called "Hate" (the theme of the chapter is about those snobby "stage" actors who "condescend" to play in pictures) Wood describes a public appearance of Bela Lugosi that he managed late in the actor's career. In the chapter called "How to live without Money in Hollywood", we hear the story of "famous" actor Tom Keene who supplemented his acting earnings by running an insurance agency. Playing roles like Colonel Tom Edwards in "Plan 9", I am not surprised he needed to moonlight.

Wood is also not afraid to plug his work (who can forget "Final Curtain?"), and he refers to himself several times as a "writer". Well, writer he is -- quality aside. If you would like a glance inside Wood's mind, I'll be happy to lend you the book.

Crummyandhardtofind T-Shirt Contest!

Here’s your chance to WIN BIG in the first annual crummyandhardtofind T-shirt contest!

I am soliciting your input in selecting a theme for the first crummyandhardtofind T-shirt, and would like you to vote for the line that best fits this website!

If you don’t like any of these great lines, submit one of your own!!! Every entry is worth 100 Kroger Bux, and the GRAND PRIZE is…well, it’s a secret!!!

Celebrity Lang Jeffries Jr. will select the winner on FRIDAY JULY 11, and will post the winning entry on this site!

For those of you who are creative, Lang Jr. would also like to see YOUR ideas for a crummyandhardtofind logo for the T-Shirt. All artistic submissions will be posted as part of this exciting contest!!!

"Bay of Pigs" Saga Revolting

OK, I have to admit Red Zone Cuba (aka Night Train to Mundo Fine) was so staggeringly bad, I had to consult IMDB and Wikipedia to help me sort things out. Let’s just say convict Coleman Francis (yes, the same fellow featured in two of the three Lemon Grove Kids films) goes to Cuba with his two pals, then returns. Occasionally they are on or in a train, but not always. In the interim, we witness several crimes (mostly by Coleman) and firing squad executions (mostly by Cubans). Fidel Castro looks like a shaved Gabe Kaplan with a fake beard glued back on. At least John Carradine is not a doctor in this picture.

“The Skydivers” will complete my Coleman Francis education (Yucca Flats was Coleman’s masterpiece). Perhaps I can use my fear of heights as an excuse to avoid it?

ALSO, if anyone has The Last of the American Hoboes, PLEASE CONTACT ME! I referred to this film in an earlier Coleman Francis entry. Hoboes was directed by none other than Titus Moede who played Boo Boo in Rat Pfink A Boo Boo.

A Pair of Paracinema Definitions

I accidentally DVR’d Haxan from IFC (Independent Film Channel) not TCM. I visited the IFC Web site later, I noticed that the network is celebrating “Grindhouse” month; three horror films every Thursday in June. Although this isn’t Lang’s cup of tea (rather slickly done slasher fare, or “para-paracinema” -- more on that later), I thought it appropriate to advertise, should anyone have an interest. And though several of the films are not technically “Grindhouse” (Scream 3 and a few others on the bill were made after the Slasher Sweetspot of the 1970’s and 80’s), I might advise you to at least watch “The Evil Dead”, co-starring Berkley neighbor Ellen Sandweiss.

Film scholars have coined the term “Paracinema” to describe cult films or films that live “outside of the mainstream”. Exploitation films (like Mom and Dad) made between 1918 and 1960 fall into the Paracinema category. Early Drive-in horror films like “Blood Feast” (1963), too gory at the time of release to be considered mainstream, fall into the category of Paracinema. But as tastes changed in the late 60’s, audiences adjusted to graphic violence (as they adjusted to pornography), and the border between cult and mainstream became blurred. Films like “Friday the 13th”, because of their professional production qualities, were considered mainstream by Paracinemasts, and hence, did not qualify as Paracinema. Debate about the classification of these films continues, and film scholars have recently rebranded the genre as “Para-paracinema”. (Really!)

At any rate, information on Paracinema on the Internet aligns more to the IFC Grindhouse era versus the Exploitation era (1918 to 1960), which means the IFC films are really more Para-paracinema than Paracinema. I also subscribe to Paracinema Magazine which recently contained features on “A Clockwork Orange” (Mainstream), Divine (Paracinema), and Herschel Gordon Lewis (Paracinema)